Still blocking my own recovery...and riding the rollercoaster.

It's so hard NOT to do.  I obsess on the ridiculously outrageously dangerous and wrong things he does and it completely derails my recovery.  How can I not?  He passed out with a nearly .25 blood alcohol level WHILE THE KIDS WERE WITH HIM!  He tells our daughter that "mommy is filing motions to make the divorce take longer" and then he points the finger and tells ME I'm the one not in recovery?  Even though I KNOW I am right, it is so infuriating.  And, you know what's even MORE infuriating than all that?!

His probation officer has been given proof positive that he has consumed alcohol while on probation and there is still NOTHING on the docket to address the issue.  That is so ludicrous.  Once again, he is not held accountable for his actions.  I am so stinking frustrated by it all.  People have gone to jail for much less than he has done and he doesn't even get the proverbial "slap on the wrist."  People are on the news for the things he has done to our children, but he is "fine.  Nothing wrong."

So in a matter of 2.5 months, he will be "free."  No more probation hanging over his head.  No restrictions (though there really are none) for driving.  Nothing.  Just his freedom to continue to mentally and emotionally abuse the children and me.  The schools are working so hard on fighting bullying yet this adult is allowed to continue his abusive tendancies.

The kids deserve so much better than this.  They should not have to be subjected to his need for promises - "You know I'm your daddy, right?  You promise?"  They should not have to be subjected to his propensity (and all-natural lifestyle) to lie - "I agreed to keeping the holidays the way they were." 

Really?  This is actually a good one for the "ride."  There is no record of his being the one to agree to keeping Christmas the same as they grew up with it.  Now he blames my alleged inflexibility last Thanksgiving (2010) for the fact that he's not holding true to this assertion.  The ironic thing is that I have kept a journal that indicates he is LYING!  I offered to let him hang with the kids while the kids and I were at the house the day after Thanksgiving.  I can't wait for our new court date.  Keep on giving me the evidence!

Another step...Let's Rejoice!

Easter Sunday, yesterday, brought another round of cleansing and another step in my journey.  I let go of more toxicity in my life.  While I had held on for about a year to those who used to be a part of my circle of friends and family, I let go of some of them yesterday as I purged them from my Facebook account.  Some may think it is mean, malicious and vindictive.  However, for me, it is a cleansing.  These people are not good for my life right now.  I chose to void this one connection amongst us.  Though they are making choices that are not in the best interest of the kids right now, I continue to choose to keep that door open.  Whenever the kids want to contact any of these toxic individuals, I allow them to do so.  I, however, choose to keep my distance so I may keep my health and recovery.

They are still too entrenched in the denial and enabling.  I understand that they do not see it.  Or, if they do, they may feel helpless and unable to escape.  I've been there...I understand!  They, however, do not.  From what I get from them, they feel I am to blame, that I am being mean and vindictive, that I do not see the recovery of Rob.  What they do not see is that the veil of denial is no longer clouding my judgment as it clouds theirs.  I do not hate them for this.  Again, I understand.  I have decided not to invite that toxicity into my life any longer.

They have my phone number.  They have my email address.  If they need or want to contact me, they know how to accomplish that.  I have found that as I cleanse my life of the toxicity that is still present, I become more and more healthy, emotionally, mentally and physically.  I have decided today to take a step in the physical health realm.  It is the one area where I have not focused during the first year of my recovery.  I must begin now so I can take advantage of the wonderful opportunities and positivity that are in my life right now.

This IS the day the Lord has made.  Let us rejoice and be glad in Him.

Hey, I can still post, even if y'all read it later!

Hello, all.  It has been about a month since I last posted.  Unfortunately, I was advised not to continue posting online because of the possible legal implications.  However, I feel that my posts are non-incriminating and they help my recovery in such a profound way that I am going to continue posting.  When the time comes, I will make these public again so that you may read them.

I am thrilled to announce that life is great today.  I still have my great family and friends surrounding me daily with love, support and reality checks.  I also have my former soulmate who continues to surround me with chaos, insanity and jabs which try to elicit a negative response from me.  Thankfully, I have reached a place in my recovery where I am letting go more and more.  I am less and less resentful of his stupid choices that are not in the best interest of the children.  I will continue to let him make choices that benefit him and his girlfriend (whom, he told the custody investigator, he is not sure he wants to marry).  What a hoot!

Anyway, I am so very, very thankful for the serenity, calm and peace to which God leads me on a nearly daily basis.  I am thankful for the new job I have for next fall.  I am thankful (and thrilled) that I have an exciting project at school which the girls have helped me to plan.  They have come up with some really neat ideas - I can't wait to see them implemented.

I will post again later.  I have some important emails to send tonight so I don't forget:)

One Year Ago...the final unravel began in March, 2010

On Sunday, March 14, his "open book" (to "prove" he was telling me the truth) backfired when I found more IM's between him and his concubine.  Because he refused to leave the house, I left with our daughter and went to my parents' home.  Our son wanted to stay with daddy.  Not wanting to upset him anymore than necessary, I allowed him to stay.

Later in the afternoon, I received a call from a police station nearly 2 jurisdictions over, "You need to come get your son (what?! how did he get there?!  he doesn't drive; he can't ride his bike that far; he's only 6!...), we have arrested your husband."  The tornadic spin really went haywire.  I will not post all the details here...suffice it to say that it started with our son's being 2 seconds from being put in the system because Rob wouldn't (couldn't?) give them a number to contact me.  It is but by the grace of God that the officers found my parents' number.  Once he was arraigned the following morning, he was on house arrest and was not welcome in our house.  From that day on, he stayed with his parents, and at one point, with his concubine, all while claiming that he wanted to "fix the marriage."

The kids and I stayed at the house and we were able to keep things relatively "normal."  They were at the same school, had their same friends and activities, same schedules and routines.  It was as normal as life could be with their daddy on house arrest and unable to drive and see them whenever he or they wanted.

After a business trip to Atlanta just before Easter, he announced to his parents and to me that he wanted to fix the marriage.  I do not know what he said to his parents, but on the Thursday before Easter, he said to me, "I will dump her on Sunday and move home on Monday."  Pause.  Did I really hear him correctly?  Yes, I did, so..."No, you will dump her now or it's no deal.  Dissolution on the table, divorce if you don't cooperate."  Are you kidding me?!  You need a few days to let her go when your wife is "so" important to you?  Obviously I was not.  So, with her he stayed until the beginning of May when I called him, angry, bitter, hurt to the core.  I had not really let him hear MY feelings until this day.

I went off - how could you do this?!  All you had to do was dump her and we could have worked on whatever the problem was.  On and on and on.  His reply was, "Come get me.  I will pack up and leave now."  Like hell I am going to drive to her place!  If you want me bad enough, you will get it done.  You will find a way just like you found the hundreds of ways to be with her without my finding out.  You will do everything in your power to prove to me that I am your one and only, your true soulmate.

Within the next couple of days, there was a lot of "sneaking" - he had her drop him off at work one day when he asked me to take him to his parents', allegedly with the intent of not returning to her place.  "She will destroy everything I own if she knows I am leaving."  What a bunch of bull, as I suspected then, and I now know for sure.  She is just as cowardly as he, if not more so.

Anyway,  he returned and stayed with his parents from the beginning until the end of May, still coniving, lying, pretending to want to fix the marriage.  He even attended two couples counseling sessions with me and we had a very "productive" 3rd one in his office parking lot one day.  It really seemed a very open, honest, constructive conversation.  What bullshit!  What manipulation.

All of this turmoil culminated in his choosing to move home, despite my argument that neither he (his alcoholism and drinking triggers) nor we (our relationship) were ready for him to move home.  It was not the right time.  However, both he and his mother insisted (she was tired of his living with them) and on Friday, May 28, he came to the house after work.  Within 3 hours, he was so wasted that he couldn't even walk straight - he had returned to his cave after a wonderful, "Ozzie and Harriet" dinner where we all pitched in, including the kids.

The kids saw him for the first time in all his drunken glory - in the past, he had kept it secret by drinking after the kids and I went to bed.  But, this time he couldn't.  His sponsor called and asked him to deliver a phone number to their Friday night meeting.  He didn't dare tell his sponsor he had been drinking.  Instead, he decided to get me to drive him there as he probably thought he could cover his intoxication.  I knew something was up the moment he got in the car.  His condition only worsened as we crossed the highway.  I stopped a few times, asking him to tell me the truth about drinking.  He refused.  At the last stop we made, where I was ready to turn around and go home, our son announced that he had pooped in his pants, obviously stressed by the conversations in the front seat.

At that point, I decided to drive to our final destination to take the kids to the bathroom.  While we were there cleaning up, he was kicked out of the meeting for inappropriate behavior and was stumbling and slurring as the kids had never seen or heard before.  What a horrible experience for the kids.  After too many details to write, we went home.  Our then 8-year-old daughter wanted so badly to help him into the house, but I insisted that he had to do it himself.

The next morning, we again had what seemed like a forward-moving conversation.  He implied that he had blacked out and didn't remember a thing.  He indicated that he was very remorseful for what he had done at the meeting and that he needed to apologize.  He never once mentioned that he needed to apologize to his own family for any wrong-doing.  The kids and I left for their counseling appointment.  When we returned, I asked for his "open book" and saw that just an hour before, while the kids were with their counselor, he had IM'd his concubine that she needed to "delete this as soon as you read it" and that his life was f'in horrible without her.  Her reply was something like, don't know how to answer.

Game over.  I calmly returned his blackberry to him and prepared the kids to leave.  That was the end.  I was no  longer taking this abuse.  All he needed to do was dump her.  And he couldn't even do that.  Maybe he had really dumped her as a sex partner and, thus, her response.  But, he was the one who initiated that IM and the one who had been involved in a word game at least the 2 days before that.  All the evidence showed that he had no intention of putting me and his family first.  No contact is no contact, period.

What turmoil and insanity to have in your life.  The details are even worse than the surface information.  The hurt, the tearing of the heart and soul.   It was a very dark time and place for me.  How could someone who claims to love you so much do these kinds of things to you?  However, while leaving that day, I felt a great weight lift off my shoulders.  Yes, I could physically feel myself become lighter, as I had a couple other times during the past 2-3 months.

That, too, is why I have posted the things I have - to work through the grief.  And, it has helped to lift even more weight off my shoulders.  By reaching out to my support system, blogging, attending my meetings and working the program, I have come so far in such a short time.  In a way, I had detached from him already, telling him that he was the only one who could change the parts of him he didn't like.  He was the only one who could stop the drinking.  He was the only one who could conquer the demons he claimed he had.

The really sad thing is that he couldn't and still doesn't admit to any wrong-doing.  In fact, when I was leaving that day, May 29, he said, "You're making a big mistake."  My reply was, "Yes, YOU made a big mistake."

Thanks Again

It's amazing how God steps in when you really need it.  It's amazing how He can even be obvious about it, on occasion.  Case in point - last night.  I had spoken with a social-worker friend about some divorce-related stuff and the information she gave me was not what I had hoped to hear.  I was mulling it over as I lay in bed last night, trying to fall asleep.  At almost 9:30 (well past my bedtime), my cell phone buzzed.  I couldn't imagine who would be calling me at that hour.  It was my sponsor.  She needs 2 boxes of Girl Scout cookies!

By that point, I was all stuffy and snot-nosed and I asked if she had a moment.  I explained to her the information I had received and she couldn't believe it, either.  We talked through different aspects of the situation and were still dumb-struck about how the pieces may fall, but we had talked about ways to make it through.

The good news, though, is that God sent me someone in my moment of need.  The other good news is that I was open to his message and asked to talk to her instead of keeping it to myself.  I thank Him for putting dear people like her in my life.  I thank Him for helping me get through this turmoil that I didn't and don't cause.  I thank Him for giving me the courage and strength to continue to do what is in the best interest of the children when few others do.  Doing what is best for them is not always the easiest thing to do, but I am doing my best, even when I do not agree with it.

Thanks, Lord, for surrounding me with caring individuals who truly have the best interest of the children and me at heart.  Thank you for surrounding me with people who are not just "yes men" in my life, but, rather, thinking individuals who force me to look at all the angles.

Thank you!

More Dreams to work thorugh it all - Asshole or Coward?

It's funny how dreams clarify things for you.  Recently, I've been dreaming about the reasons why choosing divorce was a good move for me.  The one answer that keeps coming up is that he was either too cowardly to tell me the truth or he was just an ass and wanted to make my life hell.  Let me explain:

Coward:
He may or may not have really loved me before, and had found that his relationship with her was what he really wanted.  Don't know why, but it was.  Or, maybe he was too cowardly to admit that he had screwed her over, I don't know.  Either way, he was too much of a coward to take responsibility for what he had done and make up for it.  He was, and still is, too weak to truly admit he was/is wrong, make up for it, and to stand up for what is right.

Asshole:
January 17, 2010, I found IM's between him and his then concubine.  They had never ended the affair that I had found back in late 2007.  In fact, they had been together much longer than he had let on originally ("I was protecting you."...coward, unwilling to tell the truth).  When I started clearing out the closet and indicated to him that I would leave if he continued the relationship, his answer was, "Do you really want to put us in bankruptcy?  Do you not realize how this will kill us financially?"  Really?!  You think finances are more important to me?  If you really loved me and wanted me, you would have fought to keep me, but you didn't.  What an ass!

March 14, 2010, I left after finding continued evidence that not only were they still together, but he was telling her things like, "She bought it.  She thinks I want to fix the marriage."  Our son wanted to stay with daddy so I let him.  Our daughter went with me.  That afternoon, I received a call from a police department 2 towns away, "We have your son (6 years old at the time), please come get him....[pause] we've arrested your husband."  Obviously, he was driving impaired.  Where was he driving, you ask?  To her place.  Problem was, he was too impaired to get there.  Was he begging me to take him back?  No.  Was he saying how sorry he was for what he did?  No.  In fact, after the arrest, he called her to get him a lawyer and called me to call his boss.  The saddest moment of that phone call - he didn't even ask how our son was doing.  What an ass!

May 29, 2010, the kids and I left for the final time.  We had been living in the house because his arrest had resulted in his being on house arrest for much of the time so he stayed other places, including his concubine's place.  He had "come home" against my wishes the night before and within 3 hours was shitfaced (after nearly 80 days dry).  The kids and I had been at their counselor's appointment the morning of the 29th and when we returned, I asked to see his "open" blackberry.  He begrudgingly handed it over and I found more evidence that he was lying - an IM while we were at the kids' counselor!!!  His life f'ing sucked without her in it.  His reply when I said, "Game over"?  "You are making a big mistake."  What an ass!

All three times (and other smaller moments along the way), he didn't once show remorse or regret for what he did to me.  He still hasn't.  However, he showed sadness to me for her and "what he did to her."  What an ass!

For years, he lived a lie instead of manning up and doing what was right...taking responsibility and letting us go.  I told him several times along the way just to let me go.  I would rather be told that I am not what he wants.  But, for some unknown reason - cowardice, assholeaness, I don't know - he didn't and still doesn't.  He even blamed me for an argument that took place the other day at our son's First Communion retreat - he brought girlfriend in with him and I called them both on it and told her to leave.  But, of course, it was my fault there was an argument because I opened my mouth.  It couldn't possibly have been his fault for bringing her in the first place - duh!  The divorce isn't final and you're NOT married to her!  This is what you want to teach our children is the right way to live?!  And just a reminder, she is not the agreed-upon supervisor, social worker or not.

What really makes me sad is that I not only believed him, I believed IN him.  I really thought there was a good person somewhere inside.  I believed that the good person had some serious demons to overcome and I knew that I couldn't do it for him.  I had backed off to let him face those demons and look what it got me.

He used to accuse me of thinking he was a bad person and all those years, it wasn't true.  I believed he could and would overcome whatever was ailing him.  Now, however, I no longer look for that.  He has shown me that only someone who is truly evil, hateful, super-self-centered, cowardly and assholean can do the things that he has and continues to do.  He still doesn't tell the truth, even the smallest truth.  According to him, every wrong choice he makes is someone else's fault ("You left me no choice.  I had to move in with her." "You are keeping me from seeing my kids" as he leaves for a vacation).

What else is sad is that I no longer want to be with the man whom, for nearly 20 years, I believed to be my soulmate.  I used to believe that he would come out of all this and realize the wrong he had done and be remorseful and become the man that I believed he was, the man I thought he was meant to be.  I believed that he would bust his ass not only to fix our marriage and our love, but to make it better than it ever had.  I believed we would be that couple who conquered this tragedy in life...but no more.  I used to tell him - "Let's get divorced and heal.  Then, in 5, 10, 15 years, we can try again."  After all that he has put me through, I don't wait for that anymore.  I used to want a whole family - mom, dad, kids.  As much as I used to want it, I am no longer waiting for it, either.

I even used to think he was capable of being an awesome father, regardless of what he had done to me.  I busted my ass to make sure the kids saw him while he was out of the house from March to May.  Even when he spent his 5 days in jail, I made sure he was able to call them.  Of course, that was bad, according to him, because he didn't want the kids to know he was in jail.  I would call him to see if he wanted visitors each time we were up on his side of town.  Stupid me.

I used to believe that he would be honest with them and put them first, but again, he has not.  Of course, he doesn't see it that way.  I don't think anyone who is in his inner circle sees it that way.  They support him in his new endeavors, regardless of the damage they bring to the kids.  And most of the adults do not see it.  Rather, they support it, at minimum, by ignoring the consequences to the kids.  It is really sad that the kids must endure this kind of treatment.  They may not know all the details now, but one day they will figure it out.  It was bad enough for me to find out the truth about my soulmate.  I can only imagine the depth of the hurt in finding out the truth about your own father and the others who supported his damaging choices.

Conclusion: cowardly asshole.  Assholean coward on a good day, maybe.

Why did I Stay so Long?

Once someone hears my story, they often ask, "Why did you stay for so long?"  I used to answer that it was because I loved him, but I now realize it was more than that.  I saw this quote in a recent email from one of my healing sources.  It sums it all up in this one sentence:

"Reconciliation was something I had wanted more than anything in my life, and until I realized I was the only person who wanted this reconciliation, I still held on to it."

Yes, I wrote about reconciliation about a week ago and mentioned that it doesn't mean that we have to get back together.  However, when it comes to my marriage, that is exactly what I wanted at the time.  I believed in my deepest of hearts that he could dump his sexual/emotional/feel good addiction and really want to be with me alone.

I believed in him.  I knew that anything was possible, if only he would choose to follow the right path.  Instead, he tried to continue his double life.  He even told me to stay at the house with him and the kids while the divorce was in process.  NOT!  I am done with your double life.

Once a full reconciliation was no longer an option, I still wanted the kind of reconciliation I mentioned before - that we can actually get along and parent together.  But, once again, I held onto that notion until I realized that this, too, is not what he wants.  He is making no attempts whatsoever to resolve the issues that pulled us apart or to become a true partner in parenting.

It is amazing how much lighter my heart and soul feel now that I am now weighed down by the worry of whether or not/when/how the reconciliation will occur.  It will happen if and when it is supposed to.  I cannot hold on when there is no hope of its happening.  He is not in a place where this is truly what he desires out of life and he might never reach that point.  I have accepted that.

So, I am finished holding on and staying.  I have finally realized and accepted that he does not want the same things I do, at any level - not just between us, but also where the kids are concerned.  He appears to be using them just as he used (and still tries to use) me.  I pray that he realizes what he is doing before they do.  He is heading down the same path with them as he did with me and may end up losing everything if/when they realize where they stand in his life...when they realize how used they have been in his life...when they realize that their importance in his life is based on what he wants or needs from them.

It's interesting...

It's interesting how certain individuals switch loyalties (and morals & values) as easily as one changes their clothing.  The journey that was thrust upon me has really opened my eyes to the reality of some of the people who were once in my life.  I didn't realize how "expendable" I was to them.

The journey that I am now embracing is showing me the reality of those who are still in my life, too.  I hadn't realized just how blessed I was (and still am) by the many sincere people He put in my life.  It is thanks to the hell (yes, hell) I was put through that I ended up on this path and am now able to appreciate the gifts He has given me.

It is interesting how life's difficulties can bring about positive change, if only we are open to it.  Our eyes must be open to see the possibilities; our ears must be open to hear the message; our hearts must be open to embrace the serenity, courage and wisdom that He has prepared for us.

It is interesting how the truth comes out in the end.  I used to worry, plan, worry some more and then obsess about things over which I had not control.  I used to be so frustrated that no one understood my plight; that his family didn't care about what he was and is doing to the kids.  The heck with me - I can take care of myself.  But, the kids?!  The truth will be seen one day, if not by them then by the kids.  And I do not have to worry or obsess or even shout from the rooftops what I see.

I was recently told by a fellow recovering anon'er that I don't have to tell everyone (i.e., his family) how horrible he has made the kids' lives.  I don't have to tell them the depth of difficulty, sadness and hurt that he inflicted upon me.  Anyone with their eyes and ears open will readily see and hear and know.  I do not have to worry and obsess that they don't get it.  They may never get it, and that is their loss.  They may never want to regain what they once had - sanity, confidence, calm, serenity, and a solid relationship with me and/or the kids.

It is interesting how we learn to hold onto what is truly important when push comes to shove.  I have accomplished things in the past 11 months that I never dreamed possible.  I have matured in ways that I never imagined.  My hopes and dreams are not what they once were.  Yes, I still lament the old ones sometimes - it's natural and normal.  However, my new hopes and dreams gleam just as brightly as any hopes and dreams of my past life.  They are just different.  They include people who truly love me and don't use me, my love, my care, my everything as long as it suits them.

It is interesting how hind sight can change your perception of your old perceptions.  The vision is so clear now without the fog hanging over me.  I was so blinded by my love for him and my false beliefs of him.  He truly ended up not being who and what I thought he was.  The person to whom he introduced me those many years ago is not the person he ended up being.  Was it all a facade?  Was it all an act?  I do not know.  I find it hard to believe that I have ever known the real him.  It's hard to tell.  I know that I loved who I thought he was.  I know that I believed he had good deep down, even when he was being his most ass-holean (as one counselor put it).

It is interesting, too, how the mind can send itself into a tailspin or can take the bull by the horns and triumph over the difficulties presented.  Today will be a day of triumph.  Today is good.  Today is what I make of it.

Forgiveness? Reconciliation?

I know full and well that forgiveness does not mean reconciliation.  I do not see the use in forgiving him today when tomorrow there will be something new to forgive.  I know this is not WWJD, but I am not He.  I am human and I was beaten to an emotional and mental pulp over the past several years.  Do I want to continue carrying this heavy load?  It's actually not as heavy as it once was.  I often feel like I have forgiven him in my head and even in my heart - I do not feel weighed down with major burdens, hatred and bitterness anymore. 
However, I still am upset about it all and that is why I haven't completely forgiven him.

I forgave him many, many times from 2007 until last March for what he had done to me.  I have not forgiven him for anything he has done to the kids - I am not the one who ultimately needs to do that anyway.  I have not truly forgiven him for anything he has done starting March 14 - he hasn't stopped!  I was ready to forgive him a couple of times - I even said the words once - but then he had to take out the serated knife, insert and twist...again and again.

Most of my lack of desire is against reconciliation even though I know that reconciliation does not mean getting back together.  It means that we have redefined our relationship and can actually get along or completely go our separate ways.  The latter is not possible since we have kids together.  However, I am not to the point yet where I can get along with someone who continues to choose to be such an ass towards his kids and me. 

When someone continues to call you things like "bitch" and "cunt" when you are doing what's right, there's just no reason to reconcile.  This is not the relationship I want to have - I'd rather haven none at all.  When someone shows up at an event to which he was directly told not to attend, there's no reason to reconcile.  It takes two - I am not giving in so he can continue to take advantage of the kids and me.

If reconciliation is to occur, it will happen with us both, not just with my letting him continue his manipulative, name-calling, badgering and threatening ways.  In the past I never said anything because I believed (and still do) that I could take care of myself.  Now, I have come to the realization that I am worth more than that.  I deserve to be treated, at minimum, with dignity.  He does not have the right to treat me like a worthless piece of shit whose course he determines solely for his benefit or what he "thinks" is mine.

Letting Go...In Your Dreams

No, really.  I have had two great nights of letting go.  It's really hard to explain, but while I'm sleeping, I feel like I am letting go of things that are weighing me down.  I don't remember every detail of what specifically I am letting go, but I know I am letting go.

I know what I need to let go, too.  So, maybe I am doing that in my sleep.  Again, it's like the weight I felt lifted off my shoulders last spring as I took the steps necessary to detach from my ex.  Even then, I could feel the physical lift of the weight and the release of the stress.  It was (and continues to be) a surreal experience.

Now, for those of you wondering about the "ex" comment...  Yes, even though the divorce is not final, he is my ex-husband, my ex-soulmate, my ex-everything.  I have to interact with him only because of and for the kids, but that is it.  I do not have to interact with him for anything else, if I choose.

He does not engage in our lives for the purpose of doing what's best for the kids so I interact with him as little as possible.  He tries to "make nice" with comments like, "yes, silly," or "I saw so-and-so at such-and-such restaurant."  Really?  Does he really think we are buddies?  That we are friends?  He has a lot of apologizing and amending to do before that can be an option.

Would I like to reconcile to the point where we can be friendly?  Absolutely.  But, he is not there yet.  He has not done what is necessary to even begin reconciliation of any sort.  It used to bother me that he wasn't progressing in the direction or at the speed that I wanted in order to be able to reconcile to some level of friendship.  Now, it no longer bothers me.  I have accepted and let go of that which was weighing me down.

He is no longer my baggage.  He is no longer my responsibility.  He has many others who are enabling him now; others who are helping him not to take responsibility for himself; others who are covering up and minimizing his choices; others who will do anything to make sure he continues on this selfish path.  Perhaps they do not yet understand their role in this as I did not understand mine until I began recovery last spring.  I drew my boundary and he crossed it.  Game over.

On to more letting go!  Now, I let must let God.

Thanks to All

Thanks to everyone who reads this blog, regardless of the reason.  I know I am not alone on this journey.  Hopefully, others will have the courage and strength to pursue their journeys for the right reasons, though road blocks will try to detour them.  I know that from firsthand experience!

May your journey bring you peace and serenity, hope and faith, strength and courage.

God bless.

Secrets

Some secrets are good - surprise parties, gifts, etc.

Some secrets are seen as "necessary" - national security issues, for example.

However, most secrets are bad - if you are keeping the secret to "protect" someone from bad things you are doing or because you feel guilty about what you are doing, you probably shouldn't be doing it in the first place.

I finally came to that realization and am trying to lead my life the right way.  Heck, yeah, I have made some BIG mistakes in my life.  I have made some horrific choices.  The difference is that I have realized it and have made changes to myself.  I am not perfect, nor will I ever be.  But I am trying to improve my lot in life and that of the kids, too.

Sad thing is, their dad is not.  He posted on Facebook the other day where he is on vacation.  What an ass -he can't find PTO time to spend with his kids, but he can find PTO time to go on a Disney vacation with his enabling social worker "friend who isn't his girlfriend,"  He can't miss a Monday night conitnuing care meeting to attend a monthly Cub Scout meeting with our son, but he can miss a Monday night meeting for this very same vacation.

While he told the kids he would be "out of town," he still has not told them where he is.  Probably "to protect" them, just as he wanted to "protect me" by not telling me that he had not ended, and did not intend on ending, his long-term affair.  What a man!  No wonder I never had anything positive to tell him about what a great husband and father he was.  But he doesn't see that.  Probably never will.

I realized during my lead the other night that I am a lone soldier in this fight.  So many others are either enablers and co-dependents who don't yet want to stop their insanity or they are people who feel so far removed from the situation, they do not "need" the peace and serenity I have found.  They do not see anything wrong in their personal situation.

So I keep marching on.  I keep marching with my head held high and my heart & soul knowing I am doing the right thing.  Yes, I still have A LOT of healing to do, but my recovery is well underway.  I forgave one person in this turmoil - her - for breaking up my marriage.  I have much more to forgive, to both her and many others, including him.  That will be a long time coming, though.  She means nothing to me.  She is a nobody.

Everyone else meant something to me somewhere along the line.  What they have done hurts and hurts deeply.  I am but human and it will take me some time to arrive at the destination of forgiveness.  The good thing is, though, I no longer keep secrets.  My current life is pretty much an open book to those who know me.  It is probably more open than many want, but it is one of the ways I continue on my path of recovery.  My past life is becoming more and more of any open book as I deal with each of the issues from that period.

Secrets for the sake of "protecting" others from your own bad choices are not good.  They are not useful.  They are nothing but hurtful and they destroy any trust that was there.  They destroy relationships when the secrets are found out.  But, if that's what he wants in life, so be it.  It is his choice.  It is his life.  May he reap what he sows!

The Feeling is Still Here!

Did I tell you what an incredible experience it was to do a lead the other night?  I woke up yesterday with the most positive attitude I have in months.  Each month, I've noticed a shift to more and more positivity, but yesterday was HUGE!  It was as if I were on cloud nine.

I called my sponsor and told her about it.  I was almost giddy:)  I called one of my really close friends and told her about it.  I called the person who invited me to speak and thanked her again for inviting me.  I just can't explain the feeling.  It is so true...by sharing your own recovery with others, it sooooo helps your own advance.

I always figured it was true just because of the fact that when you teach something, you learn it that much better.  I did, in fact, come to some realizations I hadn't before.  However, it was more than a learning experience for me.  This positive feeling took over my entire core being.  It was as if my entire heart and soul were smiling.  Yesterday went so well!  Today is today and it will be what I make it.

I just got a good morning hug from my little dude.  He has been so excited about building his Cub Scout Derby car.  I just hope it doesn't come in last place!  I had to help him with it this year, which I am thrilled to do, but I hope I am not a detriment to his showing.  I know I have had fun working with him on this.  Hope he has fun tomorrow.  We are going to buy the stickers today to finish it.

My little angel (our daughter) is such a mother hen.  She makes it her mission to help with Mimi's new puppy.  She is so loving and caring.  She is so much so, however, that she worries a lot about everyone, including the adults in this mess.  I just want to hold her and hug her and shelter her from the angst that she so often feels.  She is such a sad little soul when she thinks about the divorce.  I am thankful for the puppy because it gives her something positive on which to concentrate.

So, off to my day!  I hear talking and laughter as everyone plays with the puppy.  It is time to get our day started and to get the sunshine in my heart and soul out into the world.

I gave a Lead tonight!

Wow!  You really know you're doing something right when you are invited to give a lead at a recovery program.  Lord knows I have a loooonngg way to go - heck I still (too regularly for my blood) slip back into enabling/co-dependent territory - but this was solid confirmation that I am at least heading in the right direction.

It was good to be able to share my experience, strength and hope with others.  It all goes back to the Life-Anon concept.  No matter what the situation - addiction (to whatever), affair - it's all about how we deal with the chaos, not just the situation.  How do we choose to live our own lives?  Where are the boundaries and at what point do we hold our ground when they are crossed?

How do we cope day-to-day with the inundation of repeated degradations, lies and self-determined grandiosity of our addicts?  How do we cope with the second-guessing through which we put ourselves?  How do we determine if we are doing what's best for us?  For our children?  Whom should we put first - the kids?  Ourselves?  The other people in our lives whom we feel we should be pleasing?  Wait, we shouldn't be trying to please anyone else.  We have to do what is in both our best interest and that of our children, if we have any.

How do we open up and ask for help from those around us?  What are the resources available to us?  I was so surprised to see the immense outpouring of help I received just a few weeks ago.  It was absolutely AMAZING!  The possibilities, opportunities and support are out there waiting for us to act.  Waiting to be invited.  Waiting to be a part of our journey.

I know I have at least as much thanks for having been invited to speak as anyone could possibly have for my having been there.  It was such an honor to be asked.  I pray that my recovery continues.  I pray that others in recovery find the burden a little less heavy each day.  I pray that I am open to His will, whether it is the same as mine or not.  I pray...I pray a lot.

Grieving

It's ironic how it all works - it's not lineal...you don't go through the stages of grief to be finished at the end.  Instead, grief is cyclical.  You repeatedly go through the stages, not necessarily in order, over and over and over again.  The trouble with grief over a relationship that was purposefully destroyed by your soulmate is that the one from the relationship being grieved returns again and again.

When someone dies, the pain fades, the fun times stay (at least that's my experience).  Why does it happen this way?  I believe it is because we tend to forget the bad over time when the good outweighs it.  In my case, however, the bad is so fresh and repeated that I can't even say for sure that the good times truly outweigh the bad.  The more I review the hindsight, the more evidence I find that he hasn't loved me for a long, long time.

I have said it before, I was a means to an end for him.  Not sure what that was, but he definitely wasn't in the relationship for me.  But for me, he was my soulmate.  Yes, we had some identifiably horrible times throughout our marriage, but we always (or so I thought) had overcome them.  We could be a good team when the situation was right.  Why couldn't he have the balls to just let me go?  It all would have been easier to deal with.

I am not one to move on immediately into a new relationship b/c my current one has ended.  I have had people ask if I wanted to be set up on blind dates; get on dating sites; attend Pure Romance parties.  "Are you seeing anyone yet?"  Nope, just not there.  I am grieving, and will grieve for some time to come, what I have lost.  It wasn't necessarily reality, but it was the hopes and dreams of what could have and what should have been.

I used to hope for reconciliation - not to get back together with him, but for him to be truly remorseful and make amends for what he did so we could move onto getting along.  However, the more he does and says, the less I even think it a possibility.  All I did was love him and all I wanted was for him to love me (and only me) back.  I pray that he doesn't cause the same pain to any current or future relationship.  At least if he does, his current conquest will be able to make a clean break from him since they have no permanent ties holding them together.

This kind of pain SUCKS and no one can even fathom what it is like unless and until they have experienced it for themselves.  There are days (though WAY less frequently now) where I just want to shut my door and stay locked in my room.  I thank God that He has given me the serenity to continue through life without wreaking total havoc on the kids' lives.  There are days when I wish he would just disappear from the face of the earth so I don't have to deal with him at all.  I thank Him for giving me the wisdom and strength to put the kids first and to put my hurt, anger and resentment aside when dealing with decision-making for them.

All that I thought was going to be is now gone, but I have to relive it from time to time because he is still around.  May God continue to give me the serenity, courage, wisdom and strength to continue doing what is right.  I am not to the point of forgiveness.  I am not to the point where I am forgetting.  I am not to the point where the pain is always blunt.  I pray to be there soon, though, so I can put down the rest of this heavy load I continue to carry.  It is heavy at times, and I put it down for days or even weeks at a time, but I always return to pick it up and carry it a little farther.

I can't wait for the day when I no longer return to that pickup dock.  One day I will drop it off and leave it for good.

Some Pondering....

For those who are close to me and worry about me, don't.  Do remember that, statistically speaking, it will take as many as 5 years for me to "get over" him.  Almost one full year down and counting!

As much as I have moved on in this short time, I still look at the ways he has behaved over the past year and just don't understand.  How or why would he do to me what he has when he claimed to have loved me at the time?  And, if he loved me so much and wanted to keep his family together, why.....?  If he loves his kids as much as he claims, why is he not putting them first?

I know, "it's the addiction."  Well, his addiction isn't getting as much legal press as it should, then.  If the addiction is controlling him so much, why isn't the addiction being noticed by the "outside" world?  Why does he still have driving privileges where the kids are concerened?  It all makes no sense to me.

Maybe someone else will eventually start holding him accountable for his actions, or at least detach.  Very few others have to this point.  I understand why...heck, I was in denial for many more years than I would have admitted a year, even 6 months, ago.  Even in April when I began the treatment program with him, I was NOT a codependent, much less an enabler!  How wrong I was!  My physical health suffered at least as much as my mental health.  I realize, too, that the physical distance between us has helped immensely in my recovery.  It's much easier to deal with yourself when you are not being pummelled by the chaos and insanity.

I hope and pray that it will "all work out" in the end.  I am happy to report that I am in a better place, both physically and emotionally/mentally.  I am not yet where I want to be, but I am confident the kids and I will end up in a better place.  It will be a long, hard road to get there, but we will succeed!  My hope lies in the kids and me, though I see how his attitude is affecting them.  I must stay strong in my convictions to do what is right for them by doing what is right for us all.

I did it...

I can't believe it myself, but I did it.  Tonight at the kids' dropoff I actually walked up to the truck and told her, "I forgive you for breaking up my marriage.  I do not forgive you for being in the kids' lives before the divorce is final, but I forgive you for taking him away from me."

Now, some of you may be spitting fire and shooting smoke out your ears at hearing this.  However, forgiveness does NOT mean that I trust her or like her.  It sure as hell doesn't mean that I approve of her being in anyone's life.  It doesn't mean a lot of the things that so many of you are ranting right now.

It means that I have put down the load.  I have put down the load of hatred and anger and resentment.  I have put down the load I have been carrying for so long, the load that has weighed ME down and has caused me such pain.

Do not misunderstand this...I do not want her around my children.  I still consider her an enabler to his addictions.  I consider her an accomplice to his two OVI's, especially the one where our son was in the car last March.  What I have done is I have forgiven her for destroying my hopes and dreams.

Now I have new ones in place and I am moving on.  It feels strangely calming, having actually said the words to her face.  I have reached a new point in my spirituality and in my healing and recovery.  Wow!  Wasn't sure what to expect, but this is it.

One Year ago This Month...

I found out that my "soulmate" had been lying to me for 2 years about having quit his affair.  He was still in a well-cemented relationship with his concubine (yes, I looked up the definition and that's why I chose this word at the time), and had no intention of ending it.  It just took me two more months to realize that he would not put me first in his heart and soul, and that his addiction to her was stronger than any love he claimed for me.

I went through a lot of confusion, turmoil, angst, pain, you name it!, for nearly two months - his claiming that he wanted to "fix the marriage," then turning around and telling her, "She bought it.  She thinks I want to fix the marriage."  Claims of loving me.  Then, I'd find a love letter he compsed to her.  Claims of "easing out of" the relationship with her.  After all, she was only 20-something and he had "taken advantage of her" and had "ruined her life."  He couldn't just dump her and be done with her.  However, he had no guilty feelings about how he had been treating me or how he continued to treat me.

I told him several times that if he didn't want to leave her, then just leave me.  Go stay with her and leave me alone.  We could get a divorce and he could live whatever life with her that he wanted.  But that's not what he wanted.  He seems to have wanted the image of a wife and kids, nice home, good job and the concubine on the side.  "She makes me feel good.  She boosts my ego."  I would boost your ego, too, if there were anything to boost.  However, you're giving me nothing to work with.  Lying, cheating, betraying...those are not characteristics and actions to be boasted.

Now, a year later, I am in a much better place, with much goodness in my life.  Heck, I even went through the "official" anniversary day and it didn't even cross my mind!  Don't get me wrong, this has NOT been an easy road for me.  At times, there have been great trials and efforts, but it is all worth it.  I have seen what great friends and family I have surrounding me.  I see what a strong person I really am.  I sought (and continue to seek) spiritual advice, legal advice, I read and read some more, attended his outpatient family program with him ("on the sly" so "she wouldn't know").  I just can't thank everyone who has been there for me in the smallest to the biggest ways.  Everyone has touched me in some way and I appreciate you.

A Tisket, a Tasket....a lot is in my Basket

The freedom (not exactly the right word) I feel now that I am on my path to recovery is such a welcome calm in my life.  At my anon meeting last night, I commented on how the tools and strategies I am learning there are so useful and pertinent in all aspects of my life, not just in dealing with the alcoholic who brought such turmoil and chaos upon us.  These tools are especially helpful when life includes many, many activities and responsibilities that must be juggled.

So, here is the list of goodness in my life now.  It all keeps me busy, but busy is a lot more welcome than insane, or stressed or enabling!

Our 7 year old son's first basketball game is this morning!  I have the privilege of being his team's coach.

Our 9 year old daughter has planned a staycation for us this Monday since all three of us are off school.  Can't wait!

Both kids have LOTS of homework to do this weekend as they were both terribly sick all week.  Not the norm for us.

I have grading to finish for my own students as exam week was this past week.

I began my own classes this past Wednesday night.  More reading, LOTS of reading!

I am preparing for a trip to Washington, D.C. with some students.  We are attending the Life March, a first for me.

I take the MAT this Friday in order to be an official college student once again!

I have a meeting with the lawyers and my betrayer the last week of the month and then a meeting with the magistrate after that.

So, while the list never ends and is constantly changing, adding and deleting items as they pop up or are completed, I welcome the nature of the majority of the tasks.  They are either for the good of the kids and/or me, or they are a means to an end of the insanity I have suffered for the past several years.  It will be hard work at times, but well worth it in the end!

Live for Today and Plan what you Must

Happy Tuesday morning!  I am happy to report that today is another great day.  Yes, I am in a much better place since having spoken with so many of my mentors over the weekend.  Thank you for helping me return things in perspective.

Today I have the privilege of planning my upcoming week.  I begin classes tomorrow - yes, I am returning to college.  Not by choice, mind you.  I was a teacher in my former life, pre-kids.  When our daughter was born, we decided that I would be a stay-at-home mom.  Of course, my dream was that I would try something new when it was time to re-enter the workforce - be a writer, a designer, a crafts entrepreneur.   But, alas, that is not to be.  Instead, I have returned to teaching (1/3 time this year as nothing else was available), and in order to be able to teach full-time and as a "full-fledged" teacher, I must renew my license which lapsed about 7 years ago.

The renewal requires 12 semester hours of work to be completed, and, thus, why I begin classes tomorrow.  I am actually looking forward to this path on my journey.  It should be interesting to return to the classroom and be on the student side again.  In addition to the 12 hours necessary to renew my license, I am going the extra step and pursuing a Master's degree in Education with an endorsement, probably in gifted/talented.  That way, I will have 3 teaching areas:  French, reading, gifted/talented.

A good friend of mine commented recently how motivated I've been to further myself and to really get things going in my life.  What she didn't realize at the time was that some of this motivation is born of pure need, not desire.  Taking these classes began as just that, pure need.  However, I have taken the extra step both to make myself more marketable and to move myself up on the salary schedule.  Every little bit helps when you're a single parent taking care of two kids.

May today bring a little ray of sunshine to your heart.

May today be the day when you can take that baby step forward in whatever difficulty you face.

May today be the day when you hold your head high and choose right over wrong, especially if it is a difficult choice for you.

May today be the day you appreciate the good in your life and run with it instead of being bogged down by the bad.

May a smile cross your face, the SONshine fill your space.

May you be at peace today.

My Sponsor is GREAT!

For those of you working a 12-step program, you know how powerful an experience having a sponsor can be.  I must echo the positive vibes of having a sponsor who has "been there."  Even in our very short time as sponsor/sponsee, mine has helped me sooooo much...I cannot even put it into words.

Thank you, dear sponsor, for being there for me.  You have given such insight and perspective to a seemingly nutso situation.  I appreciate all that you are doing in helping me to work through this part of my journey.  It is so comforting to have you in my life.  Thanks for helping me acquire even more tools for my toolbelt of life.

Remember the Gratitude

Remembering to be thankful for the good is very difficult when your mind, body and soul are being pummelled by emotional turmoil.  The ambush seems like too much to handle at times.  It seems no one understands what you are truly going through...even my sisters-in-law who were all cheated on by their ex-spouses.  I want to shout out, "At least they were honest with you about it all!"  My almost-ex is still denying having done anything wrong.

This post comes about a week after having been pummelled by the emotions.  I am in a much better place now, but it still hurts.  When you love and trust someone so deeply and they just throw it in your face, telling you that you are not good enough; that it's your fault; heck, he even finally admitted in our last counseling session back in May that I'm not good at anything and that I'm not even pretty.  Of course, I do not believe his words as I am confident in who I am.  However, it does not reduce the raw ripping of the soul that occurs when your soulmate does this to you.

So, I am going to take this time to be thankful.  The list changes as events and situations warrant, but I still have lots for which to be grateful:

Today.  The sun is shining.  My kids and I shared a bacon and eggs breakfast at the table this morning.

My family - too many reasons to list.

My friends - OMG!  The ways you have been there for me are too numerous to mention, too.

All the acquaintances in my life who have touched me in some way...I still think back to the many customers at my "old" Skyline...the anonymous woman who left the hand-written message on a napkin - I saved it; Dave; Seven and "Eight" - yes, the good Lord has more than multiplied by 10-fold; the many others who said or sent positive comments my way.  Cindy, who has been so helpful with my moving.

Having a gas gauge and fuel sensor that work!

Beginning my grad classes this week.  I am on my way to being a full-fledged teacher again!

Having begun to make amends to my students who have had to suffer the consequences of my lack of focus on them and their work during this first semester.

Having a roof over our heads and food to eat; clothes to wear.

My jobs, employers and colleagues.

Oh, I can't forget my group friends - my monthly family group and anon friends.  So many of you have been an inspiration to me and such a support.

And, that's just the beginning.  There are many, many more reasons for which I am grateful.  But, that will have to wait.  My son is beckoning...we need to find Ninja's hat and sword:)

Vent du Jour

It's a shame, really...he is so far in denial that he doesn't see how negative his choices are.  He is either truly evil-incarnate or he is still so much sicker than he admits.  I know my recovery is not complete.  It never will be complete.  However, I know how far I've come and how far I have to go.

He asks why I am "bitter and critical".  This projection clouds the fact that it was just an observation.  It's just a fact - I pulled up to the house to find that not only was he not at the house cleaning as I was lead to believe, but he wasn't at the house at all!  In fact, there wasn't a single track in the snow, indicating that he hadn't been there since the day before.

Why was he supposed to be cleaning the house?  Because someone wanted to look at it to possibly buy it!  Ok, so he didn't clean.  I will not use this forum to detail exactly how he managed to embarrass me with the hideous state of the house.  Regardless, he is in a sad state.

What's really sad about all this is that he just doesn't get how it all affects the kids.  Don't change to prove to me that you are what you claim.  I gave up on that expectation long ago.  Do it for the kids.  Do it for the daughter who still idolizes you.  Do it for the son who is trying to figure out what the man of the house is supposed to be.  But, no.  He's so far in his recovery, he's fine.  He is the one who is doing well and everyone else has to catch up with him.

One conclusion I have reached is that he will not necessarily change because he is dry (not that I have any proof of that).  Faking it til you make it does not necessarily lead to change.  He faked a lot the last several years, in fact, much of our marriage.  He never changed, though, to prove the faked statements.  Lying has become such a way of life for him - the half truths and manipulations - that (assuming he is not evil-incarnate) he no longer knows where the line is.

Too bad for him!  I am now off to study the state of Indiana with our son.  He has a project due this week and he can't wait to get online and find the info.  I sure with every day were like this!  Proactive towards homework...every parent's dream:)

It's the Little Things...

Have you heard about the new little gadget they have for cars these days?  Yes, it's called a gas gauge.  Really.  It's an amazing little thing...it keeps track of how much gas you have in your tank so you don't have to track the mileage yourself.

I know, I know...it's been around for quite some time.  However, mine (actually, the fuel sensor in the tank) went kaputs a little over a year ago and I have been driving around, watching my trip odometer every day and figuring my miles per gallon at every fill up.  Finally, it is to be no more!

Yes, it is a "little thing," to be sure, but I had forgotten how peaceful it is NOT to have to track the mileage; how peaceful it is NOT to worry if something has happened to the gas tank (or the gas itself being syphoned!) and wondering if there really was any gas in the tank to begin with.  It's a little thing, but a huge accomplishment.  It is one less worry I have on my plate and I can focus just a little more energy on the people who count in this world.

I am grateful for having the ability both to track my mileage manually and to budget my money so that I could save up to get such a long-overdue repair done.  Not everyone has those two abilities and I am ever so grateful that I do.

Ringing in the New, 2011

This morning shines a new light through my window.

Thoughts of the opportunities of the new year flood in with it.

A smile crosses my face as our 7-yr-old son announces that he fell asleep 8 minutes before the ball dropped.

Our 9-yr-old daughter is sleeping the morning away.  She had asked to go home last night because she was so tired.

Today is the day to look at the calendar and prepare this month's activities and begin planning.

While I live today, I still plan some things.  One cannot disengage from life and just let it happen.

I am choosing to engage in my and the kids' lives and to make the best out of the opportunities that each day brings.

I am choosing to live life as fully as I can while not overwhelming myself with too much on my plate.

While I know that the year will not be without bumps in the road, I am confident that my recovery and my life will be further advanced in this New Year.

I am confident that the children will continue in their recovery, too, though they know not yet what that is.

I am looking forward to what this New Year will bring!

Ending the Old, 2010

Yesterday marked another big step in the divorce.  I spent a huge part of the day at the house (with many family and friends helping) boxing, trashing, donating stuff in order to declutter and begin the emptying process.  I still have to make a couple of trips up to donate stuff out of the boxes - it's pretty difficult to be in multiple rooms at a time telling people what you really want to keep or not.

It was a good, successful day yet it still brought to mind so many thoughts that will probably never be addressed honestly.  Yes, I know that I am venting, but I have to vent somewhere.  While I wasted energy being mad yesterday, I am in a good place today and this is my way of keeping it all in perspective.  I know that I am "letting him know what bothers me" (as one good friend put it), but I don't care that he reads it...let him use it as ammo if he wants.  This is MY recovery, not his, and I will survive and thrive.

Stop expecting me to believe that you are sober when your actions and words, and the evidence do not match the image you are trying to portray.  It all goes back to making the image and the actions match.  Remember, you did the same thing when you were lying about "fixing the marriage" - words were that you wanted to fix the marriage; evidence showed that you were still heavy into the relationship.  Heck you even pretended to want to watch the kids, but all the while you were with your feel good (yes, Mr. President, IM's count as "being with") and only present in body with the kids.

Stop housing her dog in a house that is co-owned with your not-yet-ex.  You continue to claim that you hate the dog, don't like it and don't want to take care of it.  Yet, you continue to allow it to happen.  And, when you do keep it at the house, it ends up pooping and peeing because y'all don't let it out.  Are you too cowardly to be a man and tell her you don't want it there just like you were too cowardly to own your affairs (I no longer believe that she was the only affair you had) and end our marriage?  Or, maybe she has healthy people in her life who are refusing to enable her.  If so, way to go all of you!

YOU are making my life hell.  You claimed Friday in an email that I am the one making your life difficult, couldn't I just stop putting my emotions into the mix.  Are you kidding me?!  YOU are the one who paid $0 in child support until the court garnished it; YOU haven't made even one repair to the house to prepare it for sale and YOU have lived there with "nothing to do" (as you have put it at times) for nearly 7 months.  YOU continue to lie.  YOU continue to push a female and her dog (both of whom YOU claim to me that you want nothing to do with - "I will never buy anything with her" and "no wedding") in both my and the kids' lives.  YOU refuse to see the emotional damage YOU are doing to the kids by having her in their lives - THAT is hell to live with!  YOU have no idea what Hell is until you see your children going through it.  And, no...a homework contract is nothing in comparison.

YOU are dragging out the divorce process.  You made your choice...her and any other sex partners you may have waiting in the wings.  You knew what the boundary was and you walked all over it as if it didn't matter.  Obviously it didn't matter to you.  Yet, when I ask why you are dragging all this out, your response is, "Because I don't want the divorce."

What you don't realize is that even though you pushed a few buttons yesterday when I was at the house, I recovered very fast and continue to do so.  I am a work in progress and am looking back on 2010 with a lot of gratitude for how far I have come in my recovery.  Yesterday also reminded me how much I am loved and supported even though you couldn't find it in your heart to really love me as you promised to do over 19 years ago.  My fellow recovering co-dependents keep telling me that the alcoholism has nothing to do with love...that you really "do" love me or you have loved me the best you could.  However, the choice to have the affair and to continue to lie about it all is a question of love and that trumps the alcoholism card.

No regrets in closing 2010, but it would have been nice if the divorce were final.  It would have been great to start 2011 truly fresh and new, but I know that He has a reason for this path.  I do not know or understand it, but I am looking forward to following it and finding what the New Year holds.