Secrets

Some secrets are good - surprise parties, gifts, etc.

Some secrets are seen as "necessary" - national security issues, for example.

However, most secrets are bad - if you are keeping the secret to "protect" someone from bad things you are doing or because you feel guilty about what you are doing, you probably shouldn't be doing it in the first place.

I finally came to that realization and am trying to lead my life the right way.  Heck, yeah, I have made some BIG mistakes in my life.  I have made some horrific choices.  The difference is that I have realized it and have made changes to myself.  I am not perfect, nor will I ever be.  But I am trying to improve my lot in life and that of the kids, too.

Sad thing is, their dad is not.  He posted on Facebook the other day where he is on vacation.  What an ass -he can't find PTO time to spend with his kids, but he can find PTO time to go on a Disney vacation with his enabling social worker "friend who isn't his girlfriend,"  He can't miss a Monday night conitnuing care meeting to attend a monthly Cub Scout meeting with our son, but he can miss a Monday night meeting for this very same vacation.

While he told the kids he would be "out of town," he still has not told them where he is.  Probably "to protect" them, just as he wanted to "protect me" by not telling me that he had not ended, and did not intend on ending, his long-term affair.  What a man!  No wonder I never had anything positive to tell him about what a great husband and father he was.  But he doesn't see that.  Probably never will.

I realized during my lead the other night that I am a lone soldier in this fight.  So many others are either enablers and co-dependents who don't yet want to stop their insanity or they are people who feel so far removed from the situation, they do not "need" the peace and serenity I have found.  They do not see anything wrong in their personal situation.

So I keep marching on.  I keep marching with my head held high and my heart & soul knowing I am doing the right thing.  Yes, I still have A LOT of healing to do, but my recovery is well underway.  I forgave one person in this turmoil - her - for breaking up my marriage.  I have much more to forgive, to both her and many others, including him.  That will be a long time coming, though.  She means nothing to me.  She is a nobody.

Everyone else meant something to me somewhere along the line.  What they have done hurts and hurts deeply.  I am but human and it will take me some time to arrive at the destination of forgiveness.  The good thing is, though, I no longer keep secrets.  My current life is pretty much an open book to those who know me.  It is probably more open than many want, but it is one of the ways I continue on my path of recovery.  My past life is becoming more and more of any open book as I deal with each of the issues from that period.

Secrets for the sake of "protecting" others from your own bad choices are not good.  They are not useful.  They are nothing but hurtful and they destroy any trust that was there.  They destroy relationships when the secrets are found out.  But, if that's what he wants in life, so be it.  It is his choice.  It is his life.  May he reap what he sows!