Why did I Stay so Long?

Once someone hears my story, they often ask, "Why did you stay for so long?"  I used to answer that it was because I loved him, but I now realize it was more than that.  I saw this quote in a recent email from one of my healing sources.  It sums it all up in this one sentence:

"Reconciliation was something I had wanted more than anything in my life, and until I realized I was the only person who wanted this reconciliation, I still held on to it."

Yes, I wrote about reconciliation about a week ago and mentioned that it doesn't mean that we have to get back together.  However, when it comes to my marriage, that is exactly what I wanted at the time.  I believed in my deepest of hearts that he could dump his sexual/emotional/feel good addiction and really want to be with me alone.

I believed in him.  I knew that anything was possible, if only he would choose to follow the right path.  Instead, he tried to continue his double life.  He even told me to stay at the house with him and the kids while the divorce was in process.  NOT!  I am done with your double life.

Once a full reconciliation was no longer an option, I still wanted the kind of reconciliation I mentioned before - that we can actually get along and parent together.  But, once again, I held onto that notion until I realized that this, too, is not what he wants.  He is making no attempts whatsoever to resolve the issues that pulled us apart or to become a true partner in parenting.

It is amazing how much lighter my heart and soul feel now that I am now weighed down by the worry of whether or not/when/how the reconciliation will occur.  It will happen if and when it is supposed to.  I cannot hold on when there is no hope of its happening.  He is not in a place where this is truly what he desires out of life and he might never reach that point.  I have accepted that.

So, I am finished holding on and staying.  I have finally realized and accepted that he does not want the same things I do, at any level - not just between us, but also where the kids are concerned.  He appears to be using them just as he used (and still tries to use) me.  I pray that he realizes what he is doing before they do.  He is heading down the same path with them as he did with me and may end up losing everything if/when they realize where they stand in his life...when they realize how used they have been in his life...when they realize that their importance in his life is based on what he wants or needs from them.