It's funny how dreams clarify things for you. Recently, I've been dreaming about the reasons why choosing divorce was a good move for me. The one answer that keeps coming up is that he was either too cowardly to tell me the truth or he was just an ass and wanted to make my life hell. Let me explain:
Coward:
He may or may not have really loved me before, and had found that his relationship with her was what he really wanted. Don't know why, but it was. Or, maybe he was too cowardly to admit that he had screwed her over, I don't know. Either way, he was too much of a coward to take responsibility for what he had done and make up for it. He was, and still is, too weak to truly admit he was/is wrong, make up for it, and to stand up for what is right.
Asshole:
January 17, 2010, I found IM's between him and his then concubine. They had never ended the affair that I had found back in late 2007. In fact, they had been together much longer than he had let on originally ("I was protecting you."...coward, unwilling to tell the truth). When I started clearing out the closet and indicated to him that I would leave if he continued the relationship, his answer was, "Do you really want to put us in bankruptcy? Do you not realize how this will kill us financially?" Really?! You think finances are more important to me? If you really loved me and wanted me, you would have fought to keep me, but you didn't. What an ass!
March 14, 2010, I left after finding continued evidence that not only were they still together, but he was telling her things like, "She bought it. She thinks I want to fix the marriage." Our son wanted to stay with daddy so I let him. Our daughter went with me. That afternoon, I received a call from a police department 2 towns away, "We have your son (6 years old at the time), please come get him....[pause] we've arrested your husband." Obviously, he was driving impaired. Where was he driving, you ask? To her place. Problem was, he was too impaired to get there. Was he begging me to take him back? No. Was he saying how sorry he was for what he did? No. In fact, after the arrest, he called her to get him a lawyer and called me to call his boss. The saddest moment of that phone call - he didn't even ask how our son was doing. What an ass!
May 29, 2010, the kids and I left for the final time. We had been living in the house because his arrest had resulted in his being on house arrest for much of the time so he stayed other places, including his concubine's place. He had "come home" against my wishes the night before and within 3 hours was shitfaced (after nearly 80 days dry). The kids and I had been at their counselor's appointment the morning of the 29th and when we returned, I asked to see his "open" blackberry. He begrudgingly handed it over and I found more evidence that he was lying - an IM while we were at the kids' counselor!!! His life f'ing sucked without her in it. His reply when I said, "Game over"? "You are making a big mistake." What an ass!
All three times (and other smaller moments along the way), he didn't once show remorse or regret for what he did to me. He still hasn't. However, he showed sadness to me for her and "what he did to her." What an ass!
For years, he lived a lie instead of manning up and doing what was right...taking responsibility and letting us go. I told him several times along the way just to let me go. I would rather be told that I am not what he wants. But, for some unknown reason - cowardice, assholeaness, I don't know - he didn't and still doesn't. He even blamed me for an argument that took place the other day at our son's First Communion retreat - he brought girlfriend in with him and I called them both on it and told her to leave. But, of course, it was my fault there was an argument because I opened my mouth. It couldn't possibly have been his fault for bringing her in the first place - duh! The divorce isn't final and you're NOT married to her! This is what you want to teach our children is the right way to live?! And just a reminder, she is not the agreed-upon supervisor, social worker or not.
What really makes me sad is that I not only believed him, I believed IN him. I really thought there was a good person somewhere inside. I believed that the good person had some serious demons to overcome and I knew that I couldn't do it for him. I had backed off to let him face those demons and look what it got me.
He used to accuse me of thinking he was a bad person and all those years, it wasn't true. I believed he could and would overcome whatever was ailing him. Now, however, I no longer look for that. He has shown me that only someone who is truly evil, hateful, super-self-centered, cowardly and assholean can do the things that he has and continues to do. He still doesn't tell the truth, even the smallest truth. According to him, every wrong choice he makes is someone else's fault ("You left me no choice. I had to move in with her." "You are keeping me from seeing my kids" as he leaves for a vacation).
What else is sad is that I no longer want to be with the man whom, for nearly 20 years, I believed to be my soulmate. I used to believe that he would come out of all this and realize the wrong he had done and be remorseful and become the man that I believed he was, the man I thought he was meant to be. I believed that he would bust his ass not only to fix our marriage and our love, but to make it better than it ever had. I believed we would be that couple who conquered this tragedy in life...but no more. I used to tell him - "Let's get divorced and heal. Then, in 5, 10, 15 years, we can try again." After all that he has put me through, I don't wait for that anymore. I used to want a whole family - mom, dad, kids. As much as I used to want it, I am no longer waiting for it, either.
I even used to think he was capable of being an awesome father, regardless of what he had done to me. I busted my ass to make sure the kids saw him while he was out of the house from March to May. Even when he spent his 5 days in jail, I made sure he was able to call them. Of course, that was bad, according to him, because he didn't want the kids to know he was in jail. I would call him to see if he wanted visitors each time we were up on his side of town. Stupid me.
I used to believe that he would be honest with them and put them first, but again, he has not. Of course, he doesn't see it that way. I don't think anyone who is in his inner circle sees it that way. They support him in his new endeavors, regardless of the damage they bring to the kids. And most of the adults do not see it. Rather, they support it, at minimum, by ignoring the consequences to the kids. It is really sad that the kids must endure this kind of treatment. They may not know all the details now, but one day they will figure it out. It was bad enough for me to find out the truth about my soulmate. I can only imagine the depth of the hurt in finding out the truth about your own father and the others who supported his damaging choices.
Conclusion: cowardly asshole. Assholean coward on a good day, maybe.
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