Grieving

It's ironic how it all works - it's not lineal...you don't go through the stages of grief to be finished at the end.  Instead, grief is cyclical.  You repeatedly go through the stages, not necessarily in order, over and over and over again.  The trouble with grief over a relationship that was purposefully destroyed by your soulmate is that the one from the relationship being grieved returns again and again.

When someone dies, the pain fades, the fun times stay (at least that's my experience).  Why does it happen this way?  I believe it is because we tend to forget the bad over time when the good outweighs it.  In my case, however, the bad is so fresh and repeated that I can't even say for sure that the good times truly outweigh the bad.  The more I review the hindsight, the more evidence I find that he hasn't loved me for a long, long time.

I have said it before, I was a means to an end for him.  Not sure what that was, but he definitely wasn't in the relationship for me.  But for me, he was my soulmate.  Yes, we had some identifiably horrible times throughout our marriage, but we always (or so I thought) had overcome them.  We could be a good team when the situation was right.  Why couldn't he have the balls to just let me go?  It all would have been easier to deal with.

I am not one to move on immediately into a new relationship b/c my current one has ended.  I have had people ask if I wanted to be set up on blind dates; get on dating sites; attend Pure Romance parties.  "Are you seeing anyone yet?"  Nope, just not there.  I am grieving, and will grieve for some time to come, what I have lost.  It wasn't necessarily reality, but it was the hopes and dreams of what could have and what should have been.

I used to hope for reconciliation - not to get back together with him, but for him to be truly remorseful and make amends for what he did so we could move onto getting along.  However, the more he does and says, the less I even think it a possibility.  All I did was love him and all I wanted was for him to love me (and only me) back.  I pray that he doesn't cause the same pain to any current or future relationship.  At least if he does, his current conquest will be able to make a clean break from him since they have no permanent ties holding them together.

This kind of pain SUCKS and no one can even fathom what it is like unless and until they have experienced it for themselves.  There are days (though WAY less frequently now) where I just want to shut my door and stay locked in my room.  I thank God that He has given me the serenity to continue through life without wreaking total havoc on the kids' lives.  There are days when I wish he would just disappear from the face of the earth so I don't have to deal with him at all.  I thank Him for giving me the wisdom and strength to put the kids first and to put my hurt, anger and resentment aside when dealing with decision-making for them.

All that I thought was going to be is now gone, but I have to relive it from time to time because he is still around.  May God continue to give me the serenity, courage, wisdom and strength to continue doing what is right.  I am not to the point of forgiveness.  I am not to the point where I am forgetting.  I am not to the point where the pain is always blunt.  I pray to be there soon, though, so I can put down the rest of this heavy load I continue to carry.  It is heavy at times, and I put it down for days or even weeks at a time, but I always return to pick it up and carry it a little farther.

I can't wait for the day when I no longer return to that pickup dock.  One day I will drop it off and leave it for good.