One Year ago This Month...

I found out that my "soulmate" had been lying to me for 2 years about having quit his affair.  He was still in a well-cemented relationship with his concubine (yes, I looked up the definition and that's why I chose this word at the time), and had no intention of ending it.  It just took me two more months to realize that he would not put me first in his heart and soul, and that his addiction to her was stronger than any love he claimed for me.

I went through a lot of confusion, turmoil, angst, pain, you name it!, for nearly two months - his claiming that he wanted to "fix the marriage," then turning around and telling her, "She bought it.  She thinks I want to fix the marriage."  Claims of loving me.  Then, I'd find a love letter he compsed to her.  Claims of "easing out of" the relationship with her.  After all, she was only 20-something and he had "taken advantage of her" and had "ruined her life."  He couldn't just dump her and be done with her.  However, he had no guilty feelings about how he had been treating me or how he continued to treat me.

I told him several times that if he didn't want to leave her, then just leave me.  Go stay with her and leave me alone.  We could get a divorce and he could live whatever life with her that he wanted.  But that's not what he wanted.  He seems to have wanted the image of a wife and kids, nice home, good job and the concubine on the side.  "She makes me feel good.  She boosts my ego."  I would boost your ego, too, if there were anything to boost.  However, you're giving me nothing to work with.  Lying, cheating, betraying...those are not characteristics and actions to be boasted.

Now, a year later, I am in a much better place, with much goodness in my life.  Heck, I even went through the "official" anniversary day and it didn't even cross my mind!  Don't get me wrong, this has NOT been an easy road for me.  At times, there have been great trials and efforts, but it is all worth it.  I have seen what great friends and family I have surrounding me.  I see what a strong person I really am.  I sought (and continue to seek) spiritual advice, legal advice, I read and read some more, attended his outpatient family program with him ("on the sly" so "she wouldn't know").  I just can't thank everyone who has been there for me in the smallest to the biggest ways.  Everyone has touched me in some way and I appreciate you.