Yesterday marked another big step in the divorce. I spent a huge part of the day at the house (with many family and friends helping) boxing, trashing, donating stuff in order to declutter and begin the emptying process. I still have to make a couple of trips up to donate stuff out of the boxes - it's pretty difficult to be in multiple rooms at a time telling people what you really want to keep or not.
It was a good, successful day yet it still brought to mind so many thoughts that will probably never be addressed honestly. Yes, I know that I am venting, but I have to vent somewhere. While I wasted energy being mad yesterday, I am in a good place today and this is my way of keeping it all in perspective. I know that I am "letting him know what bothers me" (as one good friend put it), but I don't care that he reads it...let him use it as ammo if he wants. This is MY recovery, not his, and I will survive and thrive.
Stop expecting me to believe that you are sober when your actions and words, and the evidence do not match the image you are trying to portray. It all goes back to making the image and the actions match. Remember, you did the same thing when you were lying about "fixing the marriage" - words were that you wanted to fix the marriage; evidence showed that you were still heavy into the relationship. Heck you even pretended to want to watch the kids, but all the while you were with your feel good (yes, Mr. President, IM's count as "being with") and only present in body with the kids.
Stop housing her dog in a house that is co-owned with your not-yet-ex. You continue to claim that you hate the dog, don't like it and don't want to take care of it. Yet, you continue to allow it to happen. And, when you do keep it at the house, it ends up pooping and peeing because y'all don't let it out. Are you too cowardly to be a man and tell her you don't want it there just like you were too cowardly to own your affairs (I no longer believe that she was the only affair you had) and end our marriage? Or, maybe she has healthy people in her life who are refusing to enable her. If so, way to go all of you!
YOU are making my life hell. You claimed Friday in an email that I am the one making your life difficult, couldn't I just stop putting my emotions into the mix. Are you kidding me?! YOU are the one who paid $0 in child support until the court garnished it; YOU haven't made even one repair to the house to prepare it for sale and YOU have lived there with "nothing to do" (as you have put it at times) for nearly 7 months. YOU continue to lie. YOU continue to push a female and her dog (both of whom YOU claim to me that you want nothing to do with - "I will never buy anything with her" and "no wedding") in both my and the kids' lives. YOU refuse to see the emotional damage YOU are doing to the kids by having her in their lives - THAT is hell to live with! YOU have no idea what Hell is until you see your children going through it. And, no...a homework contract is nothing in comparison.
YOU are dragging out the divorce process. You made your choice...her and any other sex partners you may have waiting in the wings. You knew what the boundary was and you walked all over it as if it didn't matter. Obviously it didn't matter to you. Yet, when I ask why you are dragging all this out, your response is, "Because I don't want the divorce."
What you don't realize is that even though you pushed a few buttons yesterday when I was at the house, I recovered very fast and continue to do so. I am a work in progress and am looking back on 2010 with a lot of gratitude for how far I have come in my recovery. Yesterday also reminded me how much I am loved and supported even though you couldn't find it in your heart to really love me as you promised to do over 19 years ago. My fellow recovering co-dependents keep telling me that the alcoholism has nothing to do with love...that you really "do" love me or you have loved me the best you could. However, the choice to have the affair and to continue to lie about it all is a question of love and that trumps the alcoholism card.
No regrets in closing 2010, but it would have been nice if the divorce were final. It would have been great to start 2011 truly fresh and new, but I know that He has a reason for this path. I do not know or understand it, but I am looking forward to following it and finding what the New Year holds.
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