Christmas, Round 4, success!

It's the morn' after Christmas and all through the house,
activity's occurring, for human and mouse.
My dad is still sleeping in his warm recliner;
The kids in the basement, they play, no whiner.
Mom is preparing for church on this day
While I, on computer, record, type away.

The day was a blast as I laughed 'til it hurt.
Oh the discussions, the phrases they'd blurt.
From Edward to chickens to long hair, short legs...
At least this day there were no long-time lost eggs.

For those who are wond'ring, "What's all this about?"
Just know that this story is real' full of clout.
Yes, this is how we celebrate all the year
With aunts, uncles, cousins - we laugh til we tear.

Survive this, we did, both the kids and oh me.
I'm sad, though, because this is all due to he
Who spent years betraying and lying full tilt
To make me the one he would blame for this filth.

"Protect" me he claimed as he lied, screwed and drank
because face his demons, hell no, he would tank!
I know now the damage his choices did sow
however, for me, there is no longer whoa.

The new year is coming and fast on its heels
are doors op'ning wide to reveal many deals.
New jobs, new adventures, and much growth galore.
Proceed on this journey, we open each door.

A smile, a welcome, a bright shiny heart
is waiting for us with each step that we start.
Bumpless it won't, but steady it may
I thank You, dear Lord, for this new living day!

Christmas, Rounds 2 & 3

This past Sunday was my grandma's Christmas.  My uncle came into town from Maryland like he does every year.  As always, it was a good time.  I was surprised, however, that no one really conversed with me like they usually do.  I guess it was because no one knew what to talk about and didn't really want to talk about the divorce.  It seems like that is the topic du jour around me.  Many want to know when it will be final, but the process has hardly begun.

So, the Pinnochle cards came out as is the annual tradition and we ate.  Both good things.  Grandma did ask what my ex-to-be is getting me for Christmas and, in my best "5 golden rings" voice, I sang, "a lower credit score."  She laughed, which many people are not doing these days when the topic comes up.

Round 2 - no major changes.  Looking forward to next year's gathering.

Round 3 occurs today.  Christmas Eve!  In year's past, we celebrated with my husband's family.  The kids will do just that again this year.  I, however, am eager to start my own new tradition, but am being hampered by family who are worried about me.  They do not want me spending Christmas Eve alone.  What they don't seem to understand is that I am not alone.  The good Lord and my guardian angels are with me all the time.  (Yes, I believe I have more than one.)  The love of my family is with me always.  I carry each and every one of them in my heart on a daily basis.  And I have a great friend who hosts a Christmas Eve brunch every year.  Keep me on the invites list, please!

However, I know this is not an easy journey for them, either, so I am doing as they ask.  I will start my own traditions next year. 

For now, the kids and I are beginning our new tradition of my giving them 3 gifts of the Magi...Thanks a million K for the idea!
1.  Something that inspires.
2.  Something to treasure.
3.  Something to comfort (warmth, security, the comfort need of the moment).

I am very excited to begin this new tradition.  Each of these gifts holds a special meaning for each of them (I think!) and we will exchange them this morning before they leave for his family's celebration.  We already bought our Christmas pyjamas, also a new tradition.   Each of us picked out what we wanted and we'll wear them tonight as we slumber and await Santa's arrival.  Hopefully, everyone will be slumbering!

So, as Round 3 awakens and begins its day, I wish each and every one of you, even the demon, a very Merry Christmas and Joyous New Year.  Everyone deserves to have the joy of the season in their hearts.

I'm Sorry...it's worthless without meaningful change

Such a simple phrase, but so difficult to use when you have deeply hurt someone.  Even more difficult when you truly believe you did nothing wrong, that you were trying to "protect" the other person.

What does "I'm sorry" mean, though?  Very little or even nothing if the behaviors are not changed.  When one asks for forgiveness or apologizes (and REALLY means it), they change their actions so they do not repeat the hurt that warranted the apology in the first place.

Yesterday, I received a letter (and today it was read at mass) from my church.  One of the pastors had "an inappropriate relationship" with an adult female and it was mutual.  He is on a leave of absence, effective immediately.  No other details were given, but the entire scenario, along with the apology that was read in mass this morning, caused an ambush of emotions that I have been fighting off in this season of giving.

First of all, let me say that I am one of many, many Catholics who believe that priests should be allowed to marry.  I do not know the details of the "inappropriateness," but if it were just between the two of them, no harm no foul, given the apology that was presented.  However, it did bring to mind the question of whether or not it was adulterous in nature...and that's when the ambush started.

My betrayer contends to this day that he was not honest with me because he wanted to "protect" me.  However, that argument flew out the door once I found out in September, 2007, that he was, in fact, pursuing his conquest (at least that's what I believed at the time).  Any lying, betraying, smoke & mirrors after that were all purposeful and ONLY to cover his own ass.  Whether he realizes it or not, whether he "meant" it or not, it was all a choice to hurt me.  How could he even think that I wouldn't find out?  If I found out once, you better believe I'd find out again!  And I did, numerous times.

Based on what I know, he wanted to live the image of a happy family, wife, 2 kids, nice house, etc., but wanted (needed, whatever verb he wants to use) to have his toy, his image booster, on the side.  He still offers the option that the kids and I move back "home" while the divorce is in progress.  Are you kidding?!!

Regardless of his reason for having the long-term affair (and continuing the relationship after I left), he has not truly accepted or acknowledged the pain, the hurt, the deep betrayal he forged upon my heart and soul.  He and his family wonder why I don't trust him with anything.  I do not trust his words.  They are all, at best, half-truths.  More likely, they are the image he wants me and others to believe.  At worst,...I can't even imagine the worst.

I never imagined that he would drag me along and torture me if he did decide he wanted someone else, but he did.  He never was man enough to tell me that he needs others sexually more than he needs a committed, loving, caring partner in life.

I never imagined he would drive drunk with one of our children, but he did on March 14, 2010.  He now swears that he wasn't drinking and that it was his glucose out of whack.  He still isn't man enough to go face-to-face with the choices he made there, either.

I never imagined he would drive impaired again with the kids in the car, but he did on July 29 and August 1, 2010.  He swears that he wasn't "impaired."  How could he be?  No police officer thought he was so he mustn't have been.  Again, he isn't man enough to admit that something was wrong with him and make amends.

"I'm sorry" means nothing without the changes in behavior.  In the church, it's called "seeking forgiveness."  In AA and other 12-step programs, it's called "making amends."  Whatever you call it, it is about being truly sorrowful that you hurt someone else and making the changes so you do not do it again.  You do it for yourself as much as for those you hurt.

Yes, we are human and we make mistakes.  However, the willful choice to hurt others in order to satisfy your own lustful needs and desires is wrong.  At least have the balls to admit that you weren't willing to be faithful to the one to whom you devoted yourself in front of God and the world.  Bow out gracefully, don't take your "soulmate" through torture that no one should ever have to endure.  Be honest about your physical and emotional needs that are not being met and that you are not willing to put aside your demon while you work on growing closer to your "soulmate." And, yes, it takes a LOT of time, stupid!  You couldn't fix in a weekend what you had been destroying for years!

All I wanted was for him to be honest and truthful.  Yes, if that meant that he didn't want me and ONLY me, then I wanted him (and I asked several times over the years) to be honest and let me go.  If you've ever watched the Love Dare movie, they give the analogy of how God glues two souls together.  To demonstrate it, they glued salt and pepper shakers together with super glue.  If you tear the two apart, at least one, if not both, are broken, ripped apart.  They do not separate free of damage to either one.

That is exactly what happened to me.  I entered my marriage with the idea that I would be in it forever, no matter what.  I was willing to dance with joy or weather the difficulties.  That's what I was doing when I stayed after September, 2007.  I figured I was weathering the storm.  However, what I got was ripped apart. 

My heart and soul felt like they had been shredded by shrapnel in a war.  Then, after having been through the shredder, they were stomped on in the ashes of the devastation that consumed me.  Finally, there was an open gaping wound where they had been torn out and returned, but the wound was never sewn shut.  It is still open (thus, the emotional ambushes), but it is slowly, ever so slowly healing with lots of prayer, meditation, contemplation and more prayer.  The support of those around me are helping, too.

It would do no good for him to say "I'm sorry" because no changes are there.  He is still blaming, projecting, minimizing and doing his utmost to try and make me feel like I am the insane one; that I am "making up" his conditions.  Maybe one day he will reach the point where he is able to face what he has done; to accept it; to make amends for it.  Some in the recovery field say not to expect it, though, because some people never reach that point.  Some people go on forever unable and/or unwilling to take responsibility for and to make amends for their wrongdoings.

I guess I'll just have to live with that, or not.  I can choose to live without the amends and go on with my life as if he no longer matters in my life.  I hate to do it, but if he were some stranger who had hurt me, I would not have to befriend him in that case.  Our paths would cross only when other circumstances occurred.

Today, I choose not to trust - he has done nothing to earn it back.  Today, I choose not to be a friend - it hurts too much.  Today, I choose not to invite the chaos into my life - it's not worth the pain and suffering.  Today, I choose to leave the door unlocked in case he changes his mind and his ways.

The Season to Celebrate

It's hard to believe that Advent is nearing an end and Christmas is just around the corner.  We are preparing to celebrate round 2, my Grandma's Christmas, this weekend.  Last weekend was difficult because I had to say my final good-byes to "what was" part of my Christmases past.  It was a difficult few days, but I did it and am continuing on my way through my recovery and healing.

I realized through my grieving process this week that I have much to prepare to celebrate in addition to what I can celebrate now:

I have two beautiful kids who are very caring, loving and precious.
I have a job.  It's part-time, but it is a foundation nonetheless.
I have a full-time job prospect for next school year.
I begin my Master's program in January.
I am 12 semester hours away from being a "real" teacher again!
I am pursuing a 2nd endorsement on my teaching license.

Eventually the big-time grieving will be over.  The bad thing about a divorce is that the death keeps recurring.  It's not just a matter of someone dying and you experience your "first" whatever without them.  In the case of a divorce, especially one with such betrayal and infidelity, every day can bring on a new death, the death of another component of the relationship.  Another death of what was or what could have been.  Having the person in your life is like having the dead person come back over and over again, only to throw in your face a big "Ha!"  It's all in how you deal with it that makes or breaks your days, weeks, months and years.

I am approaching year one of finding out that he never really ended the affair in the first place, back in 2007.  It is also the first anniversary of beginning to unravel the depth to which he lied to and betrayed me.  For starters, they were involved with each other much longer than he led me to believe.  Then, just the other day he said the lies were to "protect" me.  That might have held water up to the point where I found out about the affair back in 2007.  After that, it's CYA, nothing more and nothing less.  It is cowardly behavior, afraid to take responsbility for one's own choices and not being man enough to tell me the truth and to let me go at the first realization that having zero contact with her was not an option for him.

For today, though, I am celebrating all that I have and the small steps I am taking in accomplishing today.  I am celebrating the positive in my life and letting go of the rest.  Having made the conscience decision the other day to let go and let God has brought that wave of contentment and peace back into my heart and soul.  Now, THAT is something to celebrate!

Christmas 2010, round 1

Today is the day for the big family Christmas celebration on my children's father's side.  It is a huge celebration with my father-in-law's family - his sisters, their kids and their kids.  When everyone shows up, the crowd can easily number 100+.

We used to alternate hosting this fun event with one of my cousins-"in-law" and his family because our houses were the only ones that could accomodate everyone.  While it was some work to get ready for it, it really was no problem.  I actually enjoyed it.  The aunts always helped clean up afterwards so there was never much to do to "recover."  I know I always had a good time!

Some of my fondest (okay, funniest and most laughable) memories include:
*the year S brought the "winning" lottery ticket
*the year S (wth the help of H, P and me) received the candles without wicks as her exchange gift
*the year I bought the Sopranos game and wrapped it like a tuxedo.  REALLY, I bought it for $5!
*the year M had a tissue stuck up his nose and I took a picture of it
*there are many others, but these are the ones that come to mind immediately

Yes, I appreciate the good times had with his family.  They felt like famly to me, treated me like family.  I feel kind of bad about not sending out pictures of the kids this year, but I never went and had them done in the first place.

Looking back, I marvel at how I was able to pull off a 40th birthday celebration and no fewer than 2 family Christmas parties, all hosted at my house, and no one was the wiser.  No one knew that he had a 20-something girlfriend he was banging on the side.  No one knew what I was going through and the emotional torture I was feeling at those moments.  And that's the way I wanted it, just in case he chose to reconcile.  But he didn't and we are where we are.

Have a great time at the party!  Afterall, hat's why you are getting together, right?

May you all have a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!  God bless.

Overcoming the Tempest

It is amazing to me how tumultuous this journey has become yet the good Lord helps me to stay fairly calm through much of what happens.  Here are some thoughts for those of you in a similar situation.  These thoughts have helped me to stay focused and not to get wrapped up in the chaos of the tempest for long periods at a time.  I pray that you, too, find that the pull of the desire to engage in the tempest will diminish little by little and that you will find ways of pulling away from the chaos.

1.  My tempest: "If you would just listen to me...." -  Me: I remember that my tempest's actions are speaking far more loudly than his words.  When one's words contain mostly lies and half-truths, at best, his actions show his true intentions.

2.  My tempest: "You are a f-ing idiot." - Me: Again, this is one of the actions that is speaking much more loudly than his words of cooperation and team-building.  This indicates that he is still in denial and has not, nor is he ready, to accept responsibility for what he has done in the past.  It also indicates that he is not making true sustainable changes for the present and future.  He is still in "image mode," - making people believe what they see even though he is doing elsewise when no one is looking.  The image he wants others to believe is far removed from his internal thoughts and behind the scenes actions.  It's what you do when no one is looking that really matters.

3.  My tempest:  "You are just trying to make my life difficult." - Me: If making his life difficult is what keeps the kids as safe as possible for the moment, then yes, that is what I am doing.  I am not concerned with how easy or difficult his life is right now.  I am concerned with the fact that the children have been put in danger by his choices and actions.  Unfortunately, he has been able to avoid any repercussions for his actions because #1 & especially #2 are in effect.

4.  Our 7-yr-old son: "Mommy, I want to marry [my cousin] and she said no.  She has broken my heart."
Me: I explain that brothers/sisters and cousins do not marry, but they can be the best of friends.
Our 7-yr-old: "Maybe I can have a wife and have [my cousin] as my girlfriend.  If I tell my wife about it ahead of time, maybe she won't be mad at me."
Me:  thoughts in head, "Way to go Ex-Lax!  What a role model you are being for our son!"

5.  My tempest:  says anything that puts me down, is degrading, makes me question my sanity.  Me:  refer to #1 & #2.

6.  Me:  Pray.  I pray a lot, and not just for the kids and me.  Not just for my family who are being ever so gracious in providing us the shelter, the emotional and financial support so necessary at this time in our lives.  They are giving everything, yet asking for nothing in return.

Dear Lord,
Thank you for surrounding us with so many caring individuals.  Our family is so supportive in this time when they would rather be waging revenge on those who have put us here.  Please continue to give them serenity, courage and strength as they continue on their journey through these changes.

I continue to pray, too, for my tempest, his demon and his other enablers.  May they find the strength and courage to come to You for help.  May they find the path to those who can support them in this chaotic time in their lives, too.  They know not what they do, Father.  Amen

Raw emotions...Sometimes, I wish he would just Go Away

There, I said it.  Sometimes I wish he would just go away so life would be easier.  It would be different if he would truly be a repentant, integrity-filled human being, but he's not.  It would be different if I could get us away from him, but I can't.  We will always be connected to him because they are his children, too.  Two beautiful children whose lives were torn apart because he had to be selfish.  He made choices to benefit himself.  He chose not to be man enough to get rid of either one of us for the last 4 years.  Thus, he tore his family apart, limb by limb.

He still makes choices to benefit himself.  He is so narcissistic (as are his demon - we all have 'em! - and other enablers) that he may never come to understand and accept what he has done to those two beautiful children and to the one person "he said" was his soulmate and his "only" supporter all these years. 

There was a time when I wanted nothing more than for him to be the best dad he could be.  I was so hopeful that at least the kids would get to know an honest and trustworthy man, one who loved them for who they are, not for what he wanted them to be.  I was hopeful that they would get a "real" father out of the deal.  He never really wanted to spend time with the kids before we left - he was always absent or busy IM'ing while "watching TV with the kids."  I have heard how so many parents become "real" parents during a separation or after a divorce.  Well, that hasn't happened so far in our situation.

Now, I just want him to go away.  Nearly every time we have added a visit, the kids go ballistic.  Their emotions go all over the map.  Tonight is no exception.  He texts this afternoon, "I will be at...."; I tell the kids he will be at tonight's function; one of them does nothing short of inciting WW3 amongst us all at the house.  We go to leave the function and the other melts down.  Of course, his babies cry when they leave him!  Duh! 

He should have thought about that before choosing his demon over us.  He should have thought about that when I bought the Love Dare for us last Christmas; or he could have thought about it while he was IM'ing word games with his demon - "pine" "for you" - just a day or two before I left for good.  Either he didn't take me seriously or he didn't really care if I left.  He probably didn't have the balls to end the marriage himself and he still can't admit it.  He needed all of this to be someone else's "fault."  He is too weak to take responsibility for his own actions and choices.

I want all this to go away and for us to be fast-forwarded to where we will land.  I am so sick and tired of being in limbo.  I had actually come to accept limbo for a time, but today has been the setting for my being pulled away from that acceptance and back into the torturous stir within the black cauldron.

I am tired of...having to take classes to renew my teaching license; having a part-time job that, even with his garnished wages, isn't enough for us to live on our own.  I am tired of having to answer the kids' questions, directly enough to satisfy them, but without giving them too much information.  I am tired of saying to the kids, "You'll have to ask your dad."  I am tired of the kids' being sad and confused and mad and...!  I am tired of his lying to the kids and trying to make them believe that his demon is/was not his girlfriend - too cowardly to be honest?  I am tired of his making promises he doesn't keep to both the kids and to me.  I am tired, too, because of his family who are enabling him so deeply that they, like his demon, are perpetuating his nasty cycle.  He is still spiraling down, but no one wants to see it.

Yeah, I know, she "is keeping him alive."  Well, news flash, his soul is dead.  He still doesn't care that he has hurt me and the kids - he has NEVER EVEN apologized, not once ("you weren't supposed to find out" doesn't count)!  He has no idea the damage he has done to us all.  He has no idea how deep the knife has cut.  Or, maybe he does and that's why he remains in denial.  If he ever comes out, it may be too much for him to handle.  That is, if he actually has a soul and realizes the depth and breadth of his betrayal to all three of us, to ALL of those who have tried to help him; to ALL of those who have TRULY loved him.

I have never been so devastated by anyone in my life.  I never loved anyone so much.  I never waited for someone to "come to his senses" like I waited for him.  I never put so much faith into a relationship that never meant anything to the other person to begin with.  Of course, I didn't realize that until he continued lying to me from January 17 to May 29.  I never trusted anyone other than blood so much, either.  And look what it got me. 

I have worked so hard to see the positive or at least the neutral in most of what has come from his horrible, terrible choices.  I never thought I would give up on him, but I am so tired and worn out.  I have no more to give - no patience, no desire to have anything to do with him.  I have no more to hope - that he will ever "come to his senses," that he will ever be the father I had always thought him capable of being.  I have no more...the gas tank is on empty for today. 

Unfortunately, I still care about him (stupid me) and I will revert back to that caring, wanting-to-forgive person.  However, the forgiving is going to take a lot more time now after all he has done.  I was so open to it just a few months ago, but he refused it.  No, he accepted it and then went right back to his terrible, lying ways.

It hurts most to watch the kids hurt.  It not only makes me hurt, but it floods in all the anger and hate (that always lingers just beneath the surface) because I know why they hurt.  I know who caused that hurt.  And, I am nowhere near being able to forgive those people for choosing to hurt.  And, yes, they knew they were causing pain and suffering.

Maybe tomorrow will be better.  That is what I must believe.

My Path

Yesterday I learned of a most timely job opportunity that is opening up for next school year.  On the one hand, I am sooooo excited!  The timing couldn't be better.  However, I also do not want to count my chickens before they hatch.  I have already begun and will continue to pray that the Lord lead me down the path I am meant to follow.  While my gut is tingling with the potential of this opportunity, it is also a bit nervous that this will not be the path I am supposed to follow.

I have begun pursuing it even though it is not yet posted as an official opening.  I am preparing my resume this weekend to send to the h.r. department this week.  I want to get my name in the ring ASAP.  I have so much to offer - experience, excitement, a renewed desire to share with others - and so much to get out of this opportunity - another base of stability for the kids and for our future.  So many new experiences await us!

Despite the possibilities, I also know that the process will be slow.  Even if I land this position, it will be a long time before I am able to rent or purchase.  Not just because the one I trusted inherently for so long is doing his best to take me down financially with him, but mostly because I have no savings.  It will take some time to save enough money to be able to have a down payment for anything.  I will more than overcome the financial destruction being forced upon me.

May the good Lord be by my side during this next phase of the journey.  I pray that His vision be somewhat similar to mine!:)  Great minds think alike, right?

Holiday Traditions begin their transformation

Well, I survived our first "official" holiday apart.  I don't really count the summer holidays as they don't have much ritual and sentimentality to them.  Heck, he didn't get me anything for Mother's Day when we were "working on the marriage" so I didn't get him anything for Father's Day, either.

However, Thanksgiving is one that is full of ritual, habit and tradition.  This year, the kids decided they wanted to make a "card" like last year, and have everyone sign it.  We are going to put it in a Thanksgiving scrapbook and start collecting these cards each year.  It will be fun to see how our guest list changes and how everyone's handwriting changes, too!

Thursday was actually not bad at all since my sister and her husband hosted this year.  It was kind of nice not having to be in charge and telling everyone where to sit, where to put the potluck they brought, or any of the other obligations hosting puts upon you.  While I did have some thoughts of the past, they did not invade my day.  It was nice just to enjoy and help out where I could.  There was also a lot less stress this year, being with just my family.  It was a MUCH smaller group which made just moving around a lot simpler.  No one had to leave to go anywhere else.  We also had a LOT of food leftover this year!  So, we went to my sister's on Friday for dinner to help eat the feast, round 2.

All in all, Thanksgiving Divorce-style isn't so bad.  It's not what I had in mind when I married over 19 years ago, but then, life does change.  Now, on to the Christmas changes.  Because we are living with my parents, we do not have a place of our own to get out our beloved decorations.  However, they have a little 3' tree on which we are going to put some of the kids' most cherished ornaments.  They are also going to go through their ornament boxes soon to decide which ornaments they want to have at daddy's house and which stay with us.

This will be the hardest adjustment, I believe, but again, we will all survive the changes and even thrive in the new traditions we begin.  We did keep one tradition going - the kids helped put up the tree.  This one was MUCH easier, though!  It's only about 7' tall, prelit and a lot skinnier so there was less work involved.  They have also joined in the general decorating - they love the nutcracker collection!

I will post periodically and let you know about the changes the Advent/Christmas and New Year seasons bring!

May His light shine upon you all in this series of most thankful seasons!

GRATITUDE

G rateful for the many folks who have passed through my life, for from you I have
R eceived opportunities that have helped me to become the person I am today.
A lways searching for the good, the positive in life.
T hough difficult to do sometimes,
 I try my best to see the possibilities.
T ruth and honesty are of
U tmost importance.  Without them, there can be no true
D edication of the heart to those around us.
E ver grateful for all that life has to offer, given by Him.

I was on my way home from school the other day, trying to pull myself out of my emotional/mental funk.  Yep, I hear these funks can last for the next 5 years before they rarely rear their heads.  Anyway, a "random" message came across the radio, a reading of a quote by Melodie Beatty, someone who has written several books about letting go and letting God; about how to change our perspective of a situation to a more positive outlook.

I was introduced to her work at the outpatient program, family component, back in April/May.  It is amazing how possible it IS to see things in a more positive light if we only let go of what we cannot control or change.  Focus on myself and what I am able to do, not on anyone else and what they are or are not doing, right, wrong or indifferent.  Sometimes I wonder if I've gone too far in not responding at all to good, bad or indifferent, but I figure the same goes for others as it does for me...I cannot make anyone do or say anything, or feel a particular way by what I say to them. 

While I try to be civil with and show dignity towards most people, those who have hurt me are not getting anything beyond civility and minimum energy from me at this time.  I cannot afford to expend anymore energy trying to help anyone who doesn't want the help.  I cannot afford to waste energy showing and telling someone how to improve their life when they don't see it as I do.  I cannot afford to waste energy on anyone whose sole purpose in life (according to their actions) is to ruin the kids' or mine.  I cannot afford to be someone's cheerleader when they are only half-hearted in their efforts.  I will let them make their free will choices to destroy their own lives, but will not allow them to take me down with them.

I am GRATEFUL that I have the free will to choose to do better, to follow a better way of life for me and the kids, and with those with whom I choose to remain close.

Love is...

Remember those cute little cartoons titled "Love Is..."?  They were around a lot when I was younger.  Haven't seen them in a long time.  Some were whimsical, others were serious, but they always put a smile on your face.  They were cute.

I was told I was loved, but it didn't look anything like those little cartoons.  This is why I question whether he ever loved me at all.  This is why I believe that I was a means to an end of some sort.  I didn't pay attention back in the day...I believed all his lies and manipulations.  I believed he loved me then.  When you love someone, you do NOT do these things to her.

Love is...holding your "soulmate's" hand while ogling everyone else around you.
Love is...showing your "soulmate" that she is not good enough.
Love is...an exception...she is intellectually good enough..
Love is...coercing your "soulmate" into doing things to which she objects.
Love is...manipulating the truth as you want it to be seen, not how it actually is.
Love is...blaming your "soulmate" for your problems.
Love is...calling your "soulmate" a "soulmate" while chasing down another.
Love is...leaving physical evidence (IM's, bills, DUI's) that you love another.
Love is...using your "soulmate's" car to visit your concubine.
Love is...showing up drunk to your parents' anniversary party.
Love is...admitting that it's because you "feel bad" for having hurt your concubine.
Love is...crying on your concubine's birthday and admitting it to your "soulmate."
Love is...inviting your concubine to your home when your "soulmate" is there.
Love is...convincing your "soulmate" about the 3+ year "platonic" relationship.
Love is...telling your "soulmate" that you want to "fix the marriage."
Love is...telling the concubine that "she fell for it."
Love is...tearing out the heart of your "soulmate" again and again and again.
Love is...doing a dance on that heart once it's out on the floor.
Love is...moving in with your concubine when you want to 'fix the marriage."
Love is...justifying your actions - "I had to do it, you left me no choice."
Love is...going to counseling and telling your "soulmate" how awful she is.
Love is...blaming your "soulmate" for the affair in the first place.
Love is...never admitting to your "soulmate" the hurt you caused her.
Love is...admitting to your "soulmate" the hurt you caused your concubine.
Love is...moving back in with a family that you really didn't want.
Love is...blaming your family for your choices, again and again.
Love is...minimizing 2 OVI's.
Love is...putting your family in harm's way, whether intentional or not.
Love is...minimizing 3 accidents, two of which involved your children.
Love is...projecting your issues onto others - "you think I am horrible."
Love is...passive-aggressive.
Love is...not engaging in a dissolution, keeping the legal tie binding.
Love is...blaming the divorce on the "soulmate" you destroyed.
Love is...still passive-aggressive by not engaging in the divorce.
Love is...contesting everything in the divorce.
Love is...denial.

They'll be Comin' 'Round the Mountain...

What a joyous time we are embarking upon - the holidays.  November is a month of gratitude and then into the Advent and Christmas seasons we go!  All are such positive, loving, giving seasons.  I am so happy that we are entering into these seasons at this time in my life.  I have so much for which to be thankful yet  I cannot give enough gratitude to those who deserve it.

This year will be different, indeed.  Not only will the holiday schedule be different from in the past, but new traditions will be born from the ashes of that very past.  I can but pray that my children will embrace the changes over time and will see that the new is not bad.  It's just different.  Maybe one day, they too will be thankful for all the wonderfully caring and loving people who have surrounded us.

As those of you who know me well already know, I am a reader, a learner, an input-er, always searching for answers and new ways of doing things.  I try to think outside of the box when I am stuck.  My latest search is on new traditions for the holidays.  I want to focus on the meaning of the season, not the price tag.  For too long, the price has been the determining factor, whether it was too much, too little or not enough.  Instead, it is time to focus on the meaning of this season of gratitude which extends well into the new year!

These changes are coming fast and will be loud and triumphant...thus, "they'll be comin' 'round the mountain..."  While they may be subtle, quiet changes, they will be changes, nonetheless, and will herald yet another new chapter in our life.  As they say, actions speak louder than words.  May these actions in this season of gratitude shout volumes!

Time to re-Center and re-Focus

I was really saddened last night during my anon meeting.  I kept going back to when I was wishing and hoping that he was telling me the truth.  I kept thinking about the words, “the addiction is not who the person really is.”  However, the way Rob is acting, the addiction is him.  He doesn’t even try to distinguish between the two anymore.  He doesn’t even pretend to be doing the right things.  He is still so much in denial that it is, at minimum, incredibly frustrating.  I pray that (should he decide to continue to contest everything) the courts will see through his smoke and mirrors and understand that he is not in a stable place to be able to have shared parenting at this time.  The longer it takes him just to take the first steps, the farther away he pushes me and the less and less confidence I have that he will ever change.

I ran into a dear acquaintance whom I haven’t seen in a long time.  He stopped by just to see how I was doing.  I so appreciated that.  It was good to see him, but not so encouraging this time.  I am losing hope that Rob will ever change and be the father that he is capable of being.  I have already lost all hope that he will ever make amends to me.  He has never apologized for any of what he has put me through.  He still doesn’t even acknowledge that the divorce is in motion, that there is no hope to stop it. 

He continues to offer that he “doesn’t want the divorce to happen.”  However, he has done far too much damage (and continues to dish it out) that it makes considering other alternatives a joke.  I pray that God grant him the peace and acceptance to end this divorce process IN TODAY’S BEST INTEREST OF THE KIDS, not what we all see as a possible scenario in the future.  What is in the best interest of the kids today (full custody for me) will not necessarily be in the kids’ best interest 2 years from now (shared parenting would be a great thing if he is healthy!) and vice versa.

As has often been the case throughout all his emotional torture of me, I am still looking for the positive.  Yes, I believe that he is capable of becoming not only a decent, but a great, father with whom I would gladly co-petition the court to grant shared parenting.  Do I believe it will happen?  Not anymore, but I still leave that door ajar.  It is not even closed...just like I kept open the door of our marriage in hopes that he really was telling me the truth all these years.  I believed him when he said he wanted to fix the marriage; I believed him when he said she was no longer in his life; I believed him when he said he loved me and no one else; I believed him when he said there were no other women before this chapter.  What a crock!  Yet, I always looked for evidence that he was telling me the truth.

I recently watched a tv show where an investigator said to the client, “There are two types of people who ask for investigations – those who are looking for evidence of the person doing right and those looking for evidence of the person doing wrong.”  I am the one usually looking for evidence of the right thing.  While I believe this to be a character strength, it has also caused me much pain and suffering, especially the first half of 2010, as my beliefs and my life were thrust into a terrible cyclone of unraveling lies.

I guess it’s God’s will that the divorce not be final today.   I don’t know why, but again, my timeline is not the one He is using.  I must be patient and trust in His will.  I must continue to pray to follow His lead as only He can take me safely to the other side.  I must also accept that His will may not be what I want in the short- or longrun.  This is what will keep me centered and focused on what I must do each day, each hour, each minutes.

Amen.

It's up to me...

It's funny how each day brings new hope and new challenges, all in one.  I wake up thankful for each day and the possibilities it brings.  Then, some nights I go to bed serene and quiet, no worries bothering my heart or soul.  Other nights, I go to bed in such turmoil that I hardly get a wink of sleep.  The good news is, I thank the Lord every day for what he brings, as it is up to me to make the choices to "have a good day."

It's up to me
      to choose to see the positive in each day.
It's up to me
     to choose to embrace those positives, whether fleeting moments or long,
     enjoyable hours.
It's up to me
     to choose actions that are to my benefit, not my detriment.
It's up to me
     to choose to accept that I cannot change others.
It's up to me
     to realize that change may never happen for those others.
It's up to me
     to honor my children and to do what is best for them.
It's up to me
     to fight for what is right.
It's up to me
     to honor my agreements, even when it may not have been the best, or even
     right, agreement in the first place.
It's up to me
     to thank God for the serenity, courage and wisdom He bestows upon me day
     after day.
It's up to me
     to be engaged in the kids' and my life.
It's up to me
     to enjoy the moments I can and to restore myself to be able to face
     the next moment, hour, or day.
It's up to me
     to live the life I am meant to live by following His lead.

The Ride

Wow! 

Another day has start' to shone, its crisp fall air awaits me.
I look through glass to colors full of inspiration gladly.

But wait, I have a ton to do before enjoying outside.
The order of the chaos must be bound and prepped for its ride.

Yes, the coaster speeds its course up hills and into valleys.
The twists and turns are sudden, too...what's that?! Will we hit those trees?

A wreck is not inevit'ble for all who ride this coaster.
However, one who drives the train has become quite a boaster.

His threats, manipulation too, denial make me calmer.
The way that he has treated me, created quite an armor.

I've learned so much along the way, recovery...it's mine!
I take one step, one hour, one day...I know that soon I'll shine!

The me that lost its way so long is coming back to be.
I thank the Lord for all He's doin' to take care of us three.

Man in the Mirror

I want only the best for you but more importantly, our children. As the people I have loved and cared for (for so long), I have to say it without being "up your ass"...

SOMETHING HAS TO CHANGE.

I left again, as I had before but will change really happen? What makes this time different? I want to believe you love them.  They have tried to tell you many times they don't like your drinking. You've even told them that nothing good comes from it, but the cycle of denial and excuses repeats itself and keeps getting worse.

Please don't think I'm ragging on you - just listen (not just to me but open your ears to them). Instead of justifying your actions or being defensive, set an example. Having a job and going to work don't define a person, especially a person with the many talents, insight and intelligence you have to offer the world. Your life stagnated because of alcohol-related events, denial and blame... the excuses continue to be a crutch.

I hate the way things have become and when anyone attempts to make you understand, you push them farther away emotionally and physically (i.e., yelling at your daughter when you threw her snowflake to the floor; calling their mother a "stupid bitch," amongst other incidents). You have given me the greatest gift ever by allowing me to love the children you helped bring into this world.

I hope in my absence life will change but only you hold the key to fix it - not your friends (whom you continue to avoid), your girlfriend (who continues to be your #1 enabler), your mom (who is #2 enabler), other relatives or even co-workers. The only person we have to live with for the rest of our lives is the one we see in the mirror. Your children need you to see that person again. He's the reason I'm writing this and I hope for all that really love you and know him, the true changes that need made will happen. This comes from my heart to one of the greatest guys I've ever known - the man you no longer see.  The man you no longer are.

I speak for all the others who love you, too, in saying don't be mad because we care.

Why?

Just when things seem to be going well, some roadblock jettisons up through the roadway.  It doesn't just end up there, it rips through the ground and blocks my path.  I can't go over it and I can't get around it.  I must go through it, but this is so solid, I can't see any way to do so.  I do know that, in this case, the massive blockage will eventually retract into the ground again, but I must wait...

When I first opened this blog, I had told myself to stay away from the legal discussion because I don't want to jeopardize the final outcome for the kids or myself.  However, just how can he even fathom that I can live on $13k/year?  How can his lawyer even consider suggesting that spousal support be eliminated?!  I know...it's a ploy, a defense tactic.  Yes, I have already talked myself back down into reality.

I know what should be done, in my opinion.  I know what should be done, in the opinion of most rational thinking individuals.  However...

I must continue to pray and ask that God's will be done in this entire mess.  I didn't create it, I can't control it, I can't change it.  I can cope and I can follow God's lead. 

The  Devil & the Duck

There was a  little boy visiting his grandparents on their farm.  He  was given a slingshot to play with out in the woods.

He practiced  in the woods; but he could never hit the target.  Getting a  little discouraged, he headed back for dinner.

As he was  walking back he saw Grandma's pet duck..

Just out of  impulse, he let the slingshot fly, hit the duck square in the head  and killed it.  He was shocked and grieved!

In a panic,  he hid the dead duck in the wood pile; only to see his sister  watching! Sally had seen it all, but she said nothing.

 After lunch  the next day Grandma said, "Sally, let's wash the dishes," but Sally  said, "Grandma, Johnny told me he wanted to help in the kitchen."

Then she  whispered to him, "Remember the duck?"  So Johnny  did the dishes.

Later that  day, Grandpa asked if the children wanted to go fishing and  Grandma said, "I'm sorry but I need Sally to help make supper."

Sally just  smiled and said, "Well that's all right because Johnny told me he  wanted to help."  She  whispered again, "Remember the duck?"  So Sally went fishing and Johnny stayed to help.

After several days of Johnny doing both his chores and Sally's, he finally  couldn't stand it any longer.  He came to  Grandma and confessed that he had killed the duck.

Grandma  knelt down, gave him a hug and said, "Sweetheart, I know... You see,  I was standing at the window and I saw the whole thing, but  because I love you, I forgave you.  I was just wondering how long  you would let Sally make a slave of you."

Thought for  the day and every day thereafter:
Whatever is  in your past, whatever you have done... And the devil keeps  throwing it up in your face (lying, cheating, debt, fear, bad habits, hatred, anger, bitterness, etc.)....whatever it is...

You need to know that:

God was  standing at the window and He saw the whole thing.  He has seen  your whole life... He wants you to know that He loves you and that  you are forgiven.  He's just wondering how long you will let the  devil make a slave of you.

The great  thing about God is that when you ask for forgiveness, He not only forgives you, but He  forgets.

It is by  God's grace and mercy that we are saved.

Always remember:  God is at  the window!

When Jesus  died on the cross; he was thinking of you!

Today

Today is yet another day inspired by the rest.
I take a look around me to see just what is the test.
Today is gloomy outside, it's cold and icky too.
At work I felt quite anxious with all that's new to do.

Sometimes I wonder whether this is really where it's at.
Or, should I back out now before the chili all goes splat?
My mind, it races freely 'round from one thought to the next.
I wish that I could order it and put it into text.

The day is yet another gift from th'good Lord up above.
I thank Him each and every day for giving us His love.
It's thanks to Him that I have made it through to here, today.
It's thanks to Him the kids survive, in their own special way.

I thank you, Lord, for giving us today and every other.
I thank you, Lord, for leading us down paths that do not smother.
Rather, they invite us in to listen, to explore.
"Let go, let God," the forest speaks, to me it does implore.

I try, I try, sometimes succeed with relief all around.
But other times I let it slide, no calm is to be found.
This week, as most have recently, been calm and more stressfree.
I pray tonight that God imparts His peace, serenity.