There, I said it. Sometimes I wish he would just go away so life would be easier. It would be different if he would truly be a repentant, integrity-filled human being, but he's not. It would be different if I could get us away from him, but I can't. We will always be connected to him because they are his children, too. Two beautiful children whose lives were torn apart because he had to be selfish. He made choices to benefit himself. He chose not to be man enough to get rid of either one of us for the last 4 years. Thus, he tore his family apart, limb by limb.
He still makes choices to benefit himself. He is so narcissistic (as are his demon - we all have 'em! - and other enablers) that he may never come to understand and accept what he has done to those two beautiful children and to the one person "he said" was his soulmate and his "only" supporter all these years.
There was a time when I wanted nothing more than for him to be the best dad he could be. I was so hopeful that at least the kids would get to know an honest and trustworthy man, one who loved them for who they are, not for what he wanted them to be. I was hopeful that they would get a "real" father out of the deal. He never really wanted to spend time with the kids before we left - he was always absent or busy IM'ing while "watching TV with the kids." I have heard how so many parents become "real" parents during a separation or after a divorce. Well, that hasn't happened so far in our situation.
Now, I just want him to go away. Nearly every time we have added a visit, the kids go ballistic. Their emotions go all over the map. Tonight is no exception. He texts this afternoon, "I will be at...."; I tell the kids he will be at tonight's function; one of them does nothing short of inciting WW3 amongst us all at the house. We go to leave the function and the other melts down. Of course, his babies cry when they leave him! Duh!
He should have thought about that before choosing his demon over us. He should have thought about that when I bought the Love Dare for us last Christmas; or he could have thought about it while he was IM'ing word games with his demon - "pine" "for you" - just a day or two before I left for good. Either he didn't take me seriously or he didn't really care if I left. He probably didn't have the balls to end the marriage himself and he still can't admit it. He needed all of this to be someone else's "fault." He is too weak to take responsibility for his own actions and choices.
I want all this to go away and for us to be fast-forwarded to where we will land. I am so sick and tired of being in limbo. I had actually come to accept limbo for a time, but today has been the setting for my being pulled away from that acceptance and back into the torturous stir within the black cauldron.
I am tired of...having to take classes to renew my teaching license; having a part-time job that, even with his garnished wages, isn't enough for us to live on our own. I am tired of having to answer the kids' questions, directly enough to satisfy them, but without giving them too much information. I am tired of saying to the kids, "You'll have to ask your dad." I am tired of the kids' being sad and confused and mad and...! I am tired of his lying to the kids and trying to make them believe that his demon is/was not his girlfriend - too cowardly to be honest? I am tired of his making promises he doesn't keep to both the kids and to me. I am tired, too, because of his family who are enabling him so deeply that they, like his demon, are perpetuating his nasty cycle. He is still spiraling down, but no one wants to see it.
Yeah, I know, she "is keeping him alive." Well, news flash, his soul is dead. He still doesn't care that he has hurt me and the kids - he has NEVER EVEN apologized, not once ("you weren't supposed to find out" doesn't count)! He has no idea the damage he has done to us all. He has no idea how deep the knife has cut. Or, maybe he does and that's why he remains in denial. If he ever comes out, it may be too much for him to handle. That is, if he actually has a soul and realizes the depth and breadth of his betrayal to all three of us, to ALL of those who have tried to help him; to ALL of those who have TRULY loved him.
I have never been so devastated by anyone in my life. I never loved anyone so much. I never waited for someone to "come to his senses" like I waited for him. I never put so much faith into a relationship that never meant anything to the other person to begin with. Of course, I didn't realize that until he continued lying to me from January 17 to May 29. I never trusted anyone other than blood so much, either. And look what it got me.
I have worked so hard to see the positive or at least the neutral in most of what has come from his horrible, terrible choices. I never thought I would give up on him, but I am so tired and worn out. I have no more to give - no patience, no desire to have anything to do with him. I have no more to hope - that he will ever "come to his senses," that he will ever be the father I had always thought him capable of being. I have no more...the gas tank is on empty for today.
Unfortunately, I still care about him (stupid me) and I will revert back to that caring, wanting-to-forgive person. However, the forgiving is going to take a lot more time now after all he has done. I was so open to it just a few months ago, but he refused it. No, he accepted it and then went right back to his terrible, lying ways.
It hurts most to watch the kids hurt. It not only makes me hurt, but it floods in all the anger and hate (that always lingers just beneath the surface) because I know why they hurt. I know who caused that hurt. And, I am nowhere near being able to forgive those people for choosing to hurt. And, yes, they knew they were causing pain and suffering.
Maybe tomorrow will be better. That is what I must believe.
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