Such a simple phrase, but so difficult to use when you have deeply hurt someone. Even more difficult when you truly believe you did nothing wrong, that you were trying to "protect" the other person.
What does "I'm sorry" mean, though? Very little or even nothing if the behaviors are not changed. When one asks for forgiveness or apologizes (and REALLY means it), they change their actions so they do not repeat the hurt that warranted the apology in the first place.
Yesterday, I received a letter (and today it was read at mass) from my church. One of the pastors had "an inappropriate relationship" with an adult female and it was mutual. He is on a leave of absence, effective immediately. No other details were given, but the entire scenario, along with the apology that was read in mass this morning, caused an ambush of emotions that I have been fighting off in this season of giving.
First of all, let me say that I am one of many, many Catholics who believe that priests should be allowed to marry. I do not know the details of the "inappropriateness," but if it were just between the two of them, no harm no foul, given the apology that was presented. However, it did bring to mind the question of whether or not it was adulterous in nature...and that's when the ambush started.
My betrayer contends to this day that he was not honest with me because he wanted to "protect" me. However, that argument flew out the door once I found out in September, 2007, that he was, in fact, pursuing his conquest (at least that's what I believed at the time). Any lying, betraying, smoke & mirrors after that were all purposeful and ONLY to cover his own ass. Whether he realizes it or not, whether he "meant" it or not, it was all a choice to hurt me. How could he even think that I wouldn't find out? If I found out once, you better believe I'd find out again! And I did, numerous times.
Based on what I know, he wanted to live the image of a happy family, wife, 2 kids, nice house, etc., but wanted (needed, whatever verb he wants to use) to have his toy, his image booster, on the side. He still offers the option that the kids and I move back "home" while the divorce is in progress. Are you kidding?!!
Regardless of his reason for having the long-term affair (and continuing the relationship after I left), he has not truly accepted or acknowledged the pain, the hurt, the deep betrayal he forged upon my heart and soul. He and his family wonder why I don't trust him with anything. I do not trust his words. They are all, at best, half-truths. More likely, they are the image he wants me and others to believe. At worst,...I can't even imagine the worst.
I never imagined that he would drag me along and torture me if he did decide he wanted someone else, but he did. He never was man enough to tell me that he needs others sexually more than he needs a committed, loving, caring partner in life.
I never imagined he would drive drunk with one of our children, but he did on March 14, 2010. He now swears that he wasn't drinking and that it was his glucose out of whack. He still isn't man enough to go face-to-face with the choices he made there, either.
I never imagined he would drive impaired again with the kids in the car, but he did on July 29 and August 1, 2010. He swears that he wasn't "impaired." How could he be? No police officer thought he was so he mustn't have been. Again, he isn't man enough to admit that something was wrong with him and make amends.
"I'm sorry" means nothing without the changes in behavior. In the church, it's called "seeking forgiveness." In AA and other 12-step programs, it's called "making amends." Whatever you call it, it is about being truly sorrowful that you hurt someone else and making the changes so you do not do it again. You do it for yourself as much as for those you hurt.
Yes, we are human and we make mistakes. However, the willful choice to hurt others in order to satisfy your own lustful needs and desires is wrong. At least have the balls to admit that you weren't willing to be faithful to the one to whom you devoted yourself in front of God and the world. Bow out gracefully, don't take your "soulmate" through torture that no one should ever have to endure. Be honest about your physical and emotional needs that are not being met and that you are not willing to put aside your demon while you work on growing closer to your "soulmate." And, yes, it takes a LOT of time, stupid! You couldn't fix in a weekend what you had been destroying for years!
All I wanted was for him to be honest and truthful. Yes, if that meant that he didn't want me and ONLY me, then I wanted him (and I asked several times over the years) to be honest and let me go. If you've ever watched the Love Dare movie, they give the analogy of how God glues two souls together. To demonstrate it, they glued salt and pepper shakers together with super glue. If you tear the two apart, at least one, if not both, are broken, ripped apart. They do not separate free of damage to either one.
That is exactly what happened to me. I entered my marriage with the idea that I would be in it forever, no matter what. I was willing to dance with joy or weather the difficulties. That's what I was doing when I stayed after September, 2007. I figured I was weathering the storm. However, what I got was ripped apart.
My heart and soul felt like they had been shredded by shrapnel in a war. Then, after having been through the shredder, they were stomped on in the ashes of the devastation that consumed me. Finally, there was an open gaping wound where they had been torn out and returned, but the wound was never sewn shut. It is still open (thus, the emotional ambushes), but it is slowly, ever so slowly healing with lots of prayer, meditation, contemplation and more prayer. The support of those around me are helping, too.
It would do no good for him to say "I'm sorry" because no changes are there. He is still blaming, projecting, minimizing and doing his utmost to try and make me feel like I am the insane one; that I am "making up" his conditions. Maybe one day he will reach the point where he is able to face what he has done; to accept it; to make amends for it. Some in the recovery field say not to expect it, though, because some people never reach that point. Some people go on forever unable and/or unwilling to take responsibility for and to make amends for their wrongdoings.
I guess I'll just have to live with that, or not. I can choose to live without the amends and go on with my life as if he no longer matters in my life. I hate to do it, but if he were some stranger who had hurt me, I would not have to befriend him in that case. Our paths would cross only when other circumstances occurred.
Today, I choose not to trust - he has done nothing to earn it back. Today, I choose not to be a friend - it hurts too much. Today, I choose not to invite the chaos into my life - it's not worth the pain and suffering. Today, I choose to leave the door unlocked in case he changes his mind and his ways.
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