I was really saddened last night during my anon meeting. I kept going back to when I was wishing and hoping that he was telling me the truth. I kept thinking about the words, “the addiction is not who the person really is.” However, the way Rob is acting, the addiction is him. He doesn’t even try to distinguish between the two anymore. He doesn’t even pretend to be doing the right things. He is still so much in denial that it is, at minimum, incredibly frustrating. I pray that (should he decide to continue to contest everything) the courts will see through his smoke and mirrors and understand that he is not in a stable place to be able to have shared parenting at this time. The longer it takes him just to take the first steps, the farther away he pushes me and the less and less confidence I have that he will ever change.
I ran into a dear acquaintance whom I haven’t seen in a long time. He stopped by just to see how I was doing. I so appreciated that. It was good to see him, but not so encouraging this time. I am losing hope that Rob will ever change and be the father that he is capable of being. I have already lost all hope that he will ever make amends to me. He has never apologized for any of what he has put me through. He still doesn’t even acknowledge that the divorce is in motion, that there is no hope to stop it.
He continues to offer that he “doesn’t want the divorce to happen.” However, he has done far too much damage (and continues to dish it out) that it makes considering other alternatives a joke. I pray that God grant him the peace and acceptance to end this divorce process IN TODAY’S BEST INTEREST OF THE KIDS, not what we all see as a possible scenario in the future. What is in the best interest of the kids today (full custody for me) will not necessarily be in the kids’ best interest 2 years from now (shared parenting would be a great thing if he is healthy!) and vice versa.
As has often been the case throughout all his emotional torture of me, I am still looking for the positive. Yes, I believe that he is capable of becoming not only a decent, but a great, father with whom I would gladly co-petition the court to grant shared parenting. Do I believe it will happen? Not anymore, but I still leave that door ajar. It is not even closed...just like I kept open the door of our marriage in hopes that he really was telling me the truth all these years. I believed him when he said he wanted to fix the marriage; I believed him when he said she was no longer in his life; I believed him when he said he loved me and no one else; I believed him when he said there were no other women before this chapter. What a crock! Yet, I always looked for evidence that he was telling me the truth.
I recently watched a tv show where an investigator said to the client, “There are two types of people who ask for investigations – those who are looking for evidence of the person doing right and those looking for evidence of the person doing wrong.” I am the one usually looking for evidence of the right thing. While I believe this to be a character strength, it has also caused me much pain and suffering, especially the first half of 2010, as my beliefs and my life were thrust into a terrible cyclone of unraveling lies.
I guess it’s God’s will that the divorce not be final today. I don’t know why, but again, my timeline is not the one He is using. I must be patient and trust in His will. I must continue to pray to follow His lead as only He can take me safely to the other side. I must also accept that His will may not be what I want in the short- or longrun. This is what will keep me centered and focused on what I must do each day, each hour, each minutes.
Amen.
No comments:
Post a Comment