Once someone hears my story, they often ask, "Why did you stay for so long?" I used to answer that it was because I loved him, but I now realize it was more than that. I saw this quote in a recent email from one of my healing sources. It sums it all up in this one sentence:
"Reconciliation was something I had wanted more than anything in my life, and until I realized I was the only person who wanted this reconciliation, I still held on to it."
Yes, I wrote about reconciliation about a week ago and mentioned that it doesn't mean that we have to get back together. However, when it comes to my marriage, that is exactly what I wanted at the time. I believed in my deepest of hearts that he could dump his sexual/emotional/feel good addiction and really want to be with me alone.
I believed in him. I knew that anything was possible, if only he would choose to follow the right path. Instead, he tried to continue his double life. He even told me to stay at the house with him and the kids while the divorce was in process. NOT! I am done with your double life.
Once a full reconciliation was no longer an option, I still wanted the kind of reconciliation I mentioned before - that we can actually get along and parent together. But, once again, I held onto that notion until I realized that this, too, is not what he wants. He is making no attempts whatsoever to resolve the issues that pulled us apart or to become a true partner in parenting.
It is amazing how much lighter my heart and soul feel now that I am now weighed down by the worry of whether or not/when/how the reconciliation will occur. It will happen if and when it is supposed to. I cannot hold on when there is no hope of its happening. He is not in a place where this is truly what he desires out of life and he might never reach that point. I have accepted that.
So, I am finished holding on and staying. I have finally realized and accepted that he does not want the same things I do, at any level - not just between us, but also where the kids are concerned. He appears to be using them just as he used (and still tries to use) me. I pray that he realizes what he is doing before they do. He is heading down the same path with them as he did with me and may end up losing everything if/when they realize where they stand in his life...when they realize how used they have been in his life...when they realize that their importance in his life is based on what he wants or needs from them.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
It's interesting...
It's interesting how certain individuals switch loyalties (and morals & values) as easily as one changes their clothing. The journey that was thrust upon me has really opened my eyes to the reality of some of the people who were once in my life. I didn't realize how "expendable" I was to them.
The journey that I am now embracing is showing me the reality of those who are still in my life, too. I hadn't realized just how blessed I was (and still am) by the many sincere people He put in my life. It is thanks to the hell (yes, hell) I was put through that I ended up on this path and am now able to appreciate the gifts He has given me.
It is interesting how life's difficulties can bring about positive change, if only we are open to it. Our eyes must be open to see the possibilities; our ears must be open to hear the message; our hearts must be open to embrace the serenity, courage and wisdom that He has prepared for us.
It is interesting how the truth comes out in the end. I used to worry, plan, worry some more and then obsess about things over which I had not control. I used to be so frustrated that no one understood my plight; that his family didn't care about what he was and is doing to the kids. The heck with me - I can take care of myself. But, the kids?! The truth will be seen one day, if not by them then by the kids. And I do not have to worry or obsess or even shout from the rooftops what I see.
I was recently told by a fellow recovering anon'er that I don't have to tell everyone (i.e., his family) how horrible he has made the kids' lives. I don't have to tell them the depth of difficulty, sadness and hurt that he inflicted upon me. Anyone with their eyes and ears open will readily see and hear and know. I do not have to worry and obsess that they don't get it. They may never get it, and that is their loss. They may never want to regain what they once had - sanity, confidence, calm, serenity, and a solid relationship with me and/or the kids.
It is interesting how we learn to hold onto what is truly important when push comes to shove. I have accomplished things in the past 11 months that I never dreamed possible. I have matured in ways that I never imagined. My hopes and dreams are not what they once were. Yes, I still lament the old ones sometimes - it's natural and normal. However, my new hopes and dreams gleam just as brightly as any hopes and dreams of my past life. They are just different. They include people who truly love me and don't use me, my love, my care, my everything as long as it suits them.
It is interesting how hind sight can change your perception of your old perceptions. The vision is so clear now without the fog hanging over me. I was so blinded by my love for him and my false beliefs of him. He truly ended up not being who and what I thought he was. The person to whom he introduced me those many years ago is not the person he ended up being. Was it all a facade? Was it all an act? I do not know. I find it hard to believe that I have ever known the real him. It's hard to tell. I know that I loved who I thought he was. I know that I believed he had good deep down, even when he was being his most ass-holean (as one counselor put it).
It is interesting, too, how the mind can send itself into a tailspin or can take the bull by the horns and triumph over the difficulties presented. Today will be a day of triumph. Today is good. Today is what I make of it.
The journey that I am now embracing is showing me the reality of those who are still in my life, too. I hadn't realized just how blessed I was (and still am) by the many sincere people He put in my life. It is thanks to the hell (yes, hell) I was put through that I ended up on this path and am now able to appreciate the gifts He has given me.
It is interesting how life's difficulties can bring about positive change, if only we are open to it. Our eyes must be open to see the possibilities; our ears must be open to hear the message; our hearts must be open to embrace the serenity, courage and wisdom that He has prepared for us.
It is interesting how the truth comes out in the end. I used to worry, plan, worry some more and then obsess about things over which I had not control. I used to be so frustrated that no one understood my plight; that his family didn't care about what he was and is doing to the kids. The heck with me - I can take care of myself. But, the kids?! The truth will be seen one day, if not by them then by the kids. And I do not have to worry or obsess or even shout from the rooftops what I see.
I was recently told by a fellow recovering anon'er that I don't have to tell everyone (i.e., his family) how horrible he has made the kids' lives. I don't have to tell them the depth of difficulty, sadness and hurt that he inflicted upon me. Anyone with their eyes and ears open will readily see and hear and know. I do not have to worry and obsess that they don't get it. They may never get it, and that is their loss. They may never want to regain what they once had - sanity, confidence, calm, serenity, and a solid relationship with me and/or the kids.
It is interesting how we learn to hold onto what is truly important when push comes to shove. I have accomplished things in the past 11 months that I never dreamed possible. I have matured in ways that I never imagined. My hopes and dreams are not what they once were. Yes, I still lament the old ones sometimes - it's natural and normal. However, my new hopes and dreams gleam just as brightly as any hopes and dreams of my past life. They are just different. They include people who truly love me and don't use me, my love, my care, my everything as long as it suits them.
It is interesting how hind sight can change your perception of your old perceptions. The vision is so clear now without the fog hanging over me. I was so blinded by my love for him and my false beliefs of him. He truly ended up not being who and what I thought he was. The person to whom he introduced me those many years ago is not the person he ended up being. Was it all a facade? Was it all an act? I do not know. I find it hard to believe that I have ever known the real him. It's hard to tell. I know that I loved who I thought he was. I know that I believed he had good deep down, even when he was being his most ass-holean (as one counselor put it).
It is interesting, too, how the mind can send itself into a tailspin or can take the bull by the horns and triumph over the difficulties presented. Today will be a day of triumph. Today is good. Today is what I make of it.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Forgiveness? Reconciliation?
I know full and well that forgiveness does not mean reconciliation. I do not see the use in forgiving him today when tomorrow there will be something new to forgive. I know this is not WWJD, but I am not He. I am human and I was beaten to an emotional and mental pulp over the past several years. Do I want to continue carrying this heavy load? It's actually not as heavy as it once was. I often feel like I have forgiven him in my head and even in my heart - I do not feel weighed down with major burdens, hatred and bitterness anymore.
However, I still am upset about it all and that is why I haven't completely forgiven him.
I forgave him many, many times from 2007 until last March for what he had done to me. I have not forgiven him for anything he has done to the kids - I am not the one who ultimately needs to do that anyway. I have not truly forgiven him for anything he has done starting March 14 - he hasn't stopped! I was ready to forgive him a couple of times - I even said the words once - but then he had to take out the serated knife, insert and twist...again and again.
Most of my lack of desire is against reconciliation even though I know that reconciliation does not mean getting back together. It means that we have redefined our relationship and can actually get along or completely go our separate ways. The latter is not possible since we have kids together. However, I am not to the point yet where I can get along with someone who continues to choose to be such an ass towards his kids and me.
When someone continues to call you things like "bitch" and "cunt" when you are doing what's right, there's just no reason to reconcile. This is not the relationship I want to have - I'd rather haven none at all. When someone shows up at an event to which he was directly told not to attend, there's no reason to reconcile. It takes two - I am not giving in so he can continue to take advantage of the kids and me.
If reconciliation is to occur, it will happen with us both, not just with my letting him continue his manipulative, name-calling, badgering and threatening ways. In the past I never said anything because I believed (and still do) that I could take care of myself. Now, I have come to the realization that I am worth more than that. I deserve to be treated, at minimum, with dignity. He does not have the right to treat me like a worthless piece of shit whose course he determines solely for his benefit or what he "thinks" is mine.
However, I still am upset about it all and that is why I haven't completely forgiven him.
I forgave him many, many times from 2007 until last March for what he had done to me. I have not forgiven him for anything he has done to the kids - I am not the one who ultimately needs to do that anyway. I have not truly forgiven him for anything he has done starting March 14 - he hasn't stopped! I was ready to forgive him a couple of times - I even said the words once - but then he had to take out the serated knife, insert and twist...again and again.
Most of my lack of desire is against reconciliation even though I know that reconciliation does not mean getting back together. It means that we have redefined our relationship and can actually get along or completely go our separate ways. The latter is not possible since we have kids together. However, I am not to the point yet where I can get along with someone who continues to choose to be such an ass towards his kids and me.
When someone continues to call you things like "bitch" and "cunt" when you are doing what's right, there's just no reason to reconcile. This is not the relationship I want to have - I'd rather haven none at all. When someone shows up at an event to which he was directly told not to attend, there's no reason to reconcile. It takes two - I am not giving in so he can continue to take advantage of the kids and me.
If reconciliation is to occur, it will happen with us both, not just with my letting him continue his manipulative, name-calling, badgering and threatening ways. In the past I never said anything because I believed (and still do) that I could take care of myself. Now, I have come to the realization that I am worth more than that. I deserve to be treated, at minimum, with dignity. He does not have the right to treat me like a worthless piece of shit whose course he determines solely for his benefit or what he "thinks" is mine.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Letting Go...In Your Dreams
No, really. I have had two great nights of letting go. It's really hard to explain, but while I'm sleeping, I feel like I am letting go of things that are weighing me down. I don't remember every detail of what specifically I am letting go, but I know I am letting go.
I know what I need to let go, too. So, maybe I am doing that in my sleep. Again, it's like the weight I felt lifted off my shoulders last spring as I took the steps necessary to detach from my ex. Even then, I could feel the physical lift of the weight and the release of the stress. It was (and continues to be) a surreal experience.
Now, for those of you wondering about the "ex" comment... Yes, even though the divorce is not final, he is my ex-husband, my ex-soulmate, my ex-everything. I have to interact with him only because of and for the kids, but that is it. I do not have to interact with him for anything else, if I choose.
He does not engage in our lives for the purpose of doing what's best for the kids so I interact with him as little as possible. He tries to "make nice" with comments like, "yes, silly," or "I saw so-and-so at such-and-such restaurant." Really? Does he really think we are buddies? That we are friends? He has a lot of apologizing and amending to do before that can be an option.
Would I like to reconcile to the point where we can be friendly? Absolutely. But, he is not there yet. He has not done what is necessary to even begin reconciliation of any sort. It used to bother me that he wasn't progressing in the direction or at the speed that I wanted in order to be able to reconcile to some level of friendship. Now, it no longer bothers me. I have accepted and let go of that which was weighing me down.
He is no longer my baggage. He is no longer my responsibility. He has many others who are enabling him now; others who are helping him not to take responsibility for himself; others who are covering up and minimizing his choices; others who will do anything to make sure he continues on this selfish path. Perhaps they do not yet understand their role in this as I did not understand mine until I began recovery last spring. I drew my boundary and he crossed it. Game over.
On to more letting go! Now, I let must let God.
I know what I need to let go, too. So, maybe I am doing that in my sleep. Again, it's like the weight I felt lifted off my shoulders last spring as I took the steps necessary to detach from my ex. Even then, I could feel the physical lift of the weight and the release of the stress. It was (and continues to be) a surreal experience.
Now, for those of you wondering about the "ex" comment... Yes, even though the divorce is not final, he is my ex-husband, my ex-soulmate, my ex-everything. I have to interact with him only because of and for the kids, but that is it. I do not have to interact with him for anything else, if I choose.
He does not engage in our lives for the purpose of doing what's best for the kids so I interact with him as little as possible. He tries to "make nice" with comments like, "yes, silly," or "I saw so-and-so at such-and-such restaurant." Really? Does he really think we are buddies? That we are friends? He has a lot of apologizing and amending to do before that can be an option.
Would I like to reconcile to the point where we can be friendly? Absolutely. But, he is not there yet. He has not done what is necessary to even begin reconciliation of any sort. It used to bother me that he wasn't progressing in the direction or at the speed that I wanted in order to be able to reconcile to some level of friendship. Now, it no longer bothers me. I have accepted and let go of that which was weighing me down.
He is no longer my baggage. He is no longer my responsibility. He has many others who are enabling him now; others who are helping him not to take responsibility for himself; others who are covering up and minimizing his choices; others who will do anything to make sure he continues on this selfish path. Perhaps they do not yet understand their role in this as I did not understand mine until I began recovery last spring. I drew my boundary and he crossed it. Game over.
On to more letting go! Now, I let must let God.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Thanks to All
Thanks to everyone who reads this blog, regardless of the reason. I know I am not alone on this journey. Hopefully, others will have the courage and strength to pursue their journeys for the right reasons, though road blocks will try to detour them. I know that from firsthand experience!
May your journey bring you peace and serenity, hope and faith, strength and courage.
God bless.
May your journey bring you peace and serenity, hope and faith, strength and courage.
God bless.
Secrets
Some secrets are good - surprise parties, gifts, etc.
Some secrets are seen as "necessary" - national security issues, for example.
However, most secrets are bad - if you are keeping the secret to "protect" someone from bad things you are doing or because you feel guilty about what you are doing, you probably shouldn't be doing it in the first place.
I finally came to that realization and am trying to lead my life the right way. Heck, yeah, I have made some BIG mistakes in my life. I have made some horrific choices. The difference is that I have realized it and have made changes to myself. I am not perfect, nor will I ever be. But I am trying to improve my lot in life and that of the kids, too.
Sad thing is, their dad is not. He posted on Facebook the other day where he is on vacation. What an ass -he can't find PTO time to spend with his kids, but he can find PTO time to go on a Disney vacation with his enabling social worker "friend who isn't his girlfriend," He can't miss a Monday night conitnuing care meeting to attend a monthly Cub Scout meeting with our son, but he can miss a Monday night meeting for this very same vacation.
While he told the kids he would be "out of town," he still has not told them where he is. Probably "to protect" them, just as he wanted to "protect me" by not telling me that he had not ended, and did not intend on ending, his long-term affair. What a man! No wonder I never had anything positive to tell him about what a great husband and father he was. But he doesn't see that. Probably never will.
I realized during my lead the other night that I am a lone soldier in this fight. So many others are either enablers and co-dependents who don't yet want to stop their insanity or they are people who feel so far removed from the situation, they do not "need" the peace and serenity I have found. They do not see anything wrong in their personal situation.
So I keep marching on. I keep marching with my head held high and my heart & soul knowing I am doing the right thing. Yes, I still have A LOT of healing to do, but my recovery is well underway. I forgave one person in this turmoil - her - for breaking up my marriage. I have much more to forgive, to both her and many others, including him. That will be a long time coming, though. She means nothing to me. She is a nobody.
Everyone else meant something to me somewhere along the line. What they have done hurts and hurts deeply. I am but human and it will take me some time to arrive at the destination of forgiveness. The good thing is, though, I no longer keep secrets. My current life is pretty much an open book to those who know me. It is probably more open than many want, but it is one of the ways I continue on my path of recovery. My past life is becoming more and more of any open book as I deal with each of the issues from that period.
Secrets for the sake of "protecting" others from your own bad choices are not good. They are not useful. They are nothing but hurtful and they destroy any trust that was there. They destroy relationships when the secrets are found out. But, if that's what he wants in life, so be it. It is his choice. It is his life. May he reap what he sows!
Some secrets are seen as "necessary" - national security issues, for example.
However, most secrets are bad - if you are keeping the secret to "protect" someone from bad things you are doing or because you feel guilty about what you are doing, you probably shouldn't be doing it in the first place.
I finally came to that realization and am trying to lead my life the right way. Heck, yeah, I have made some BIG mistakes in my life. I have made some horrific choices. The difference is that I have realized it and have made changes to myself. I am not perfect, nor will I ever be. But I am trying to improve my lot in life and that of the kids, too.
Sad thing is, their dad is not. He posted on Facebook the other day where he is on vacation. What an ass -he can't find PTO time to spend with his kids, but he can find PTO time to go on a Disney vacation with his enabling social worker "friend who isn't his girlfriend," He can't miss a Monday night conitnuing care meeting to attend a monthly Cub Scout meeting with our son, but he can miss a Monday night meeting for this very same vacation.
While he told the kids he would be "out of town," he still has not told them where he is. Probably "to protect" them, just as he wanted to "protect me" by not telling me that he had not ended, and did not intend on ending, his long-term affair. What a man! No wonder I never had anything positive to tell him about what a great husband and father he was. But he doesn't see that. Probably never will.
I realized during my lead the other night that I am a lone soldier in this fight. So many others are either enablers and co-dependents who don't yet want to stop their insanity or they are people who feel so far removed from the situation, they do not "need" the peace and serenity I have found. They do not see anything wrong in their personal situation.
So I keep marching on. I keep marching with my head held high and my heart & soul knowing I am doing the right thing. Yes, I still have A LOT of healing to do, but my recovery is well underway. I forgave one person in this turmoil - her - for breaking up my marriage. I have much more to forgive, to both her and many others, including him. That will be a long time coming, though. She means nothing to me. She is a nobody.
Everyone else meant something to me somewhere along the line. What they have done hurts and hurts deeply. I am but human and it will take me some time to arrive at the destination of forgiveness. The good thing is, though, I no longer keep secrets. My current life is pretty much an open book to those who know me. It is probably more open than many want, but it is one of the ways I continue on my path of recovery. My past life is becoming more and more of any open book as I deal with each of the issues from that period.
Secrets for the sake of "protecting" others from your own bad choices are not good. They are not useful. They are nothing but hurtful and they destroy any trust that was there. They destroy relationships when the secrets are found out. But, if that's what he wants in life, so be it. It is his choice. It is his life. May he reap what he sows!
Saturday, February 12, 2011
The Feeling is Still Here!
Did I tell you what an incredible experience it was to do a lead the other night? I woke up yesterday with the most positive attitude I have in months. Each month, I've noticed a shift to more and more positivity, but yesterday was HUGE! It was as if I were on cloud nine.
I called my sponsor and told her about it. I was almost giddy:) I called one of my really close friends and told her about it. I called the person who invited me to speak and thanked her again for inviting me. I just can't explain the feeling. It is so true...by sharing your own recovery with others, it sooooo helps your own advance.
I always figured it was true just because of the fact that when you teach something, you learn it that much better. I did, in fact, come to some realizations I hadn't before. However, it was more than a learning experience for me. This positive feeling took over my entire core being. It was as if my entire heart and soul were smiling. Yesterday went so well! Today is today and it will be what I make it.
I just got a good morning hug from my little dude. He has been so excited about building his Cub Scout Derby car. I just hope it doesn't come in last place! I had to help him with it this year, which I am thrilled to do, but I hope I am not a detriment to his showing. I know I have had fun working with him on this. Hope he has fun tomorrow. We are going to buy the stickers today to finish it.
My little angel (our daughter) is such a mother hen. She makes it her mission to help with Mimi's new puppy. She is so loving and caring. She is so much so, however, that she worries a lot about everyone, including the adults in this mess. I just want to hold her and hug her and shelter her from the angst that she so often feels. She is such a sad little soul when she thinks about the divorce. I am thankful for the puppy because it gives her something positive on which to concentrate.
So, off to my day! I hear talking and laughter as everyone plays with the puppy. It is time to get our day started and to get the sunshine in my heart and soul out into the world.
I called my sponsor and told her about it. I was almost giddy:) I called one of my really close friends and told her about it. I called the person who invited me to speak and thanked her again for inviting me. I just can't explain the feeling. It is so true...by sharing your own recovery with others, it sooooo helps your own advance.
I always figured it was true just because of the fact that when you teach something, you learn it that much better. I did, in fact, come to some realizations I hadn't before. However, it was more than a learning experience for me. This positive feeling took over my entire core being. It was as if my entire heart and soul were smiling. Yesterday went so well! Today is today and it will be what I make it.
I just got a good morning hug from my little dude. He has been so excited about building his Cub Scout Derby car. I just hope it doesn't come in last place! I had to help him with it this year, which I am thrilled to do, but I hope I am not a detriment to his showing. I know I have had fun working with him on this. Hope he has fun tomorrow. We are going to buy the stickers today to finish it.
My little angel (our daughter) is such a mother hen. She makes it her mission to help with Mimi's new puppy. She is so loving and caring. She is so much so, however, that she worries a lot about everyone, including the adults in this mess. I just want to hold her and hug her and shelter her from the angst that she so often feels. She is such a sad little soul when she thinks about the divorce. I am thankful for the puppy because it gives her something positive on which to concentrate.
So, off to my day! I hear talking and laughter as everyone plays with the puppy. It is time to get our day started and to get the sunshine in my heart and soul out into the world.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
I gave a Lead tonight!
Wow! You really know you're doing something right when you are invited to give a lead at a recovery program. Lord knows I have a loooonngg way to go - heck I still (too regularly for my blood) slip back into enabling/co-dependent territory - but this was solid confirmation that I am at least heading in the right direction.
It was good to be able to share my experience, strength and hope with others. It all goes back to the Life-Anon concept. No matter what the situation - addiction (to whatever), affair - it's all about how we deal with the chaos, not just the situation. How do we choose to live our own lives? Where are the boundaries and at what point do we hold our ground when they are crossed?
How do we cope day-to-day with the inundation of repeated degradations, lies and self-determined grandiosity of our addicts? How do we cope with the second-guessing through which we put ourselves? How do we determine if we are doing what's best for us? For our children? Whom should we put first - the kids? Ourselves? The other people in our lives whom we feel we should be pleasing? Wait, we shouldn't be trying to please anyone else. We have to do what is in both our best interest and that of our children, if we have any.
How do we open up and ask for help from those around us? What are the resources available to us? I was so surprised to see the immense outpouring of help I received just a few weeks ago. It was absolutely AMAZING! The possibilities, opportunities and support are out there waiting for us to act. Waiting to be invited. Waiting to be a part of our journey.
I know I have at least as much thanks for having been invited to speak as anyone could possibly have for my having been there. It was such an honor to be asked. I pray that my recovery continues. I pray that others in recovery find the burden a little less heavy each day. I pray that I am open to His will, whether it is the same as mine or not. I pray...I pray a lot.
It was good to be able to share my experience, strength and hope with others. It all goes back to the Life-Anon concept. No matter what the situation - addiction (to whatever), affair - it's all about how we deal with the chaos, not just the situation. How do we choose to live our own lives? Where are the boundaries and at what point do we hold our ground when they are crossed?
How do we cope day-to-day with the inundation of repeated degradations, lies and self-determined grandiosity of our addicts? How do we cope with the second-guessing through which we put ourselves? How do we determine if we are doing what's best for us? For our children? Whom should we put first - the kids? Ourselves? The other people in our lives whom we feel we should be pleasing? Wait, we shouldn't be trying to please anyone else. We have to do what is in both our best interest and that of our children, if we have any.
How do we open up and ask for help from those around us? What are the resources available to us? I was so surprised to see the immense outpouring of help I received just a few weeks ago. It was absolutely AMAZING! The possibilities, opportunities and support are out there waiting for us to act. Waiting to be invited. Waiting to be a part of our journey.
I know I have at least as much thanks for having been invited to speak as anyone could possibly have for my having been there. It was such an honor to be asked. I pray that my recovery continues. I pray that others in recovery find the burden a little less heavy each day. I pray that I am open to His will, whether it is the same as mine or not. I pray...I pray a lot.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Grieving
It's ironic how it all works - it's not lineal...you don't go through the stages of grief to be finished at the end. Instead, grief is cyclical. You repeatedly go through the stages, not necessarily in order, over and over and over again. The trouble with grief over a relationship that was purposefully destroyed by your soulmate is that the one from the relationship being grieved returns again and again.
When someone dies, the pain fades, the fun times stay (at least that's my experience). Why does it happen this way? I believe it is because we tend to forget the bad over time when the good outweighs it. In my case, however, the bad is so fresh and repeated that I can't even say for sure that the good times truly outweigh the bad. The more I review the hindsight, the more evidence I find that he hasn't loved me for a long, long time.
I have said it before, I was a means to an end for him. Not sure what that was, but he definitely wasn't in the relationship for me. But for me, he was my soulmate. Yes, we had some identifiably horrible times throughout our marriage, but we always (or so I thought) had overcome them. We could be a good team when the situation was right. Why couldn't he have the balls to just let me go? It all would have been easier to deal with.
I am not one to move on immediately into a new relationship b/c my current one has ended. I have had people ask if I wanted to be set up on blind dates; get on dating sites; attend Pure Romance parties. "Are you seeing anyone yet?" Nope, just not there. I am grieving, and will grieve for some time to come, what I have lost. It wasn't necessarily reality, but it was the hopes and dreams of what could have and what should have been.
I used to hope for reconciliation - not to get back together with him, but for him to be truly remorseful and make amends for what he did so we could move onto getting along. However, the more he does and says, the less I even think it a possibility. All I did was love him and all I wanted was for him to love me (and only me) back. I pray that he doesn't cause the same pain to any current or future relationship. At least if he does, his current conquest will be able to make a clean break from him since they have no permanent ties holding them together.
This kind of pain SUCKS and no one can even fathom what it is like unless and until they have experienced it for themselves. There are days (though WAY less frequently now) where I just want to shut my door and stay locked in my room. I thank God that He has given me the serenity to continue through life without wreaking total havoc on the kids' lives. There are days when I wish he would just disappear from the face of the earth so I don't have to deal with him at all. I thank Him for giving me the wisdom and strength to put the kids first and to put my hurt, anger and resentment aside when dealing with decision-making for them.
All that I thought was going to be is now gone, but I have to relive it from time to time because he is still around. May God continue to give me the serenity, courage, wisdom and strength to continue doing what is right. I am not to the point of forgiveness. I am not to the point where I am forgetting. I am not to the point where the pain is always blunt. I pray to be there soon, though, so I can put down the rest of this heavy load I continue to carry. It is heavy at times, and I put it down for days or even weeks at a time, but I always return to pick it up and carry it a little farther.
I can't wait for the day when I no longer return to that pickup dock. One day I will drop it off and leave it for good.
When someone dies, the pain fades, the fun times stay (at least that's my experience). Why does it happen this way? I believe it is because we tend to forget the bad over time when the good outweighs it. In my case, however, the bad is so fresh and repeated that I can't even say for sure that the good times truly outweigh the bad. The more I review the hindsight, the more evidence I find that he hasn't loved me for a long, long time.
I have said it before, I was a means to an end for him. Not sure what that was, but he definitely wasn't in the relationship for me. But for me, he was my soulmate. Yes, we had some identifiably horrible times throughout our marriage, but we always (or so I thought) had overcome them. We could be a good team when the situation was right. Why couldn't he have the balls to just let me go? It all would have been easier to deal with.
I am not one to move on immediately into a new relationship b/c my current one has ended. I have had people ask if I wanted to be set up on blind dates; get on dating sites; attend Pure Romance parties. "Are you seeing anyone yet?" Nope, just not there. I am grieving, and will grieve for some time to come, what I have lost. It wasn't necessarily reality, but it was the hopes and dreams of what could have and what should have been.
I used to hope for reconciliation - not to get back together with him, but for him to be truly remorseful and make amends for what he did so we could move onto getting along. However, the more he does and says, the less I even think it a possibility. All I did was love him and all I wanted was for him to love me (and only me) back. I pray that he doesn't cause the same pain to any current or future relationship. At least if he does, his current conquest will be able to make a clean break from him since they have no permanent ties holding them together.
This kind of pain SUCKS and no one can even fathom what it is like unless and until they have experienced it for themselves. There are days (though WAY less frequently now) where I just want to shut my door and stay locked in my room. I thank God that He has given me the serenity to continue through life without wreaking total havoc on the kids' lives. There are days when I wish he would just disappear from the face of the earth so I don't have to deal with him at all. I thank Him for giving me the wisdom and strength to put the kids first and to put my hurt, anger and resentment aside when dealing with decision-making for them.
All that I thought was going to be is now gone, but I have to relive it from time to time because he is still around. May God continue to give me the serenity, courage, wisdom and strength to continue doing what is right. I am not to the point of forgiveness. I am not to the point where I am forgetting. I am not to the point where the pain is always blunt. I pray to be there soon, though, so I can put down the rest of this heavy load I continue to carry. It is heavy at times, and I put it down for days or even weeks at a time, but I always return to pick it up and carry it a little farther.
I can't wait for the day when I no longer return to that pickup dock. One day I will drop it off and leave it for good.
Some Pondering....
For those who are close to me and worry about me, don't. Do remember that, statistically speaking, it will take as many as 5 years for me to "get over" him. Almost one full year down and counting!
As much as I have moved on in this short time, I still look at the ways he has behaved over the past year and just don't understand. How or why would he do to me what he has when he claimed to have loved me at the time? And, if he loved me so much and wanted to keep his family together, why.....? If he loves his kids as much as he claims, why is he not putting them first?
I know, "it's the addiction." Well, his addiction isn't getting as much legal press as it should, then. If the addiction is controlling him so much, why isn't the addiction being noticed by the "outside" world? Why does he still have driving privileges where the kids are concerened? It all makes no sense to me.
Maybe someone else will eventually start holding him accountable for his actions, or at least detach. Very few others have to this point. I understand why...heck, I was in denial for many more years than I would have admitted a year, even 6 months, ago. Even in April when I began the treatment program with him, I was NOT a codependent, much less an enabler! How wrong I was! My physical health suffered at least as much as my mental health. I realize, too, that the physical distance between us has helped immensely in my recovery. It's much easier to deal with yourself when you are not being pummelled by the chaos and insanity.
I hope and pray that it will "all work out" in the end. I am happy to report that I am in a better place, both physically and emotionally/mentally. I am not yet where I want to be, but I am confident the kids and I will end up in a better place. It will be a long, hard road to get there, but we will succeed! My hope lies in the kids and me, though I see how his attitude is affecting them. I must stay strong in my convictions to do what is right for them by doing what is right for us all.
As much as I have moved on in this short time, I still look at the ways he has behaved over the past year and just don't understand. How or why would he do to me what he has when he claimed to have loved me at the time? And, if he loved me so much and wanted to keep his family together, why.....? If he loves his kids as much as he claims, why is he not putting them first?
I know, "it's the addiction." Well, his addiction isn't getting as much legal press as it should, then. If the addiction is controlling him so much, why isn't the addiction being noticed by the "outside" world? Why does he still have driving privileges where the kids are concerened? It all makes no sense to me.
Maybe someone else will eventually start holding him accountable for his actions, or at least detach. Very few others have to this point. I understand why...heck, I was in denial for many more years than I would have admitted a year, even 6 months, ago. Even in April when I began the treatment program with him, I was NOT a codependent, much less an enabler! How wrong I was! My physical health suffered at least as much as my mental health. I realize, too, that the physical distance between us has helped immensely in my recovery. It's much easier to deal with yourself when you are not being pummelled by the chaos and insanity.
I hope and pray that it will "all work out" in the end. I am happy to report that I am in a better place, both physically and emotionally/mentally. I am not yet where I want to be, but I am confident the kids and I will end up in a better place. It will be a long, hard road to get there, but we will succeed! My hope lies in the kids and me, though I see how his attitude is affecting them. I must stay strong in my convictions to do what is right for them by doing what is right for us all.
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