As I read back through the posts from last year, I came upon one where I was venting and realized that the very same things are transpiring now, even as everything seems to be coming to a close. At the time, I was furious with the legal system for not holding him accountable for his actions. He was on probation for his 2nd OVI, endangering a child and fleeing & eluding. One of the conditions of his probation was that he was not to be drinking. Even with repeated evidence being given to the probation department, NOTHING was done. He didn't lose one driving privilege. He was able to drive anywhere, any time, with the kids in the car. His probation ended this past March and he got away with so many probation violations it made me sick, literally.
Now, in the domestic relations court, the very same thing is happening. He is not being held responsible for his negative actions, one of which includes breaking our parenting entry - no consuming alcohol within 24 hours of or during parenting time. This has repeatedly occurred and we even have hard evidence of it, but it counts for nothing. For those of you screaming the question... yes, we had a guardian ad litem.
He also lied on the stand about having lost his job last summer, but the day the witness was in court to testify, the magistrate cancelled the hearing because he was being transferred to a different division. It became a he-said, she-said dilemna for the magistrate to figure out. He used the false testimony as the basis of his decision on that issue.
For the math geniuses of the world, of our total combined income, it's a 7-10 split (whoa, the bowling analogy!)...for the kids and me, we have 70% of what he has for just himself. That's after child support and alimony are paid and before he takes the deduction on the alimony paid...another way of putting it is that he has about 59% of the total, just for himself while two kids and I are living off of 41%. It doesn't bother me that we live on less than he, but he still complains that he has no money and that if I continue certain actions (i.e., not sending extra stuff with the kids), he will take me back to court.
So, what's the difference between then (December 23) and now? Afterall, I have spent a few paragraphs venting, right? Actually, I want you to see that you are not alone in your struggles and that even though the specifics may be different, we all can survive and thrive after these types of encounters.
I am handling it all much differently from how I did back then. Don't get me wrong - I have felt the frustration and anger at the system and how it seems, in our case, to have favored the one better able to put up a front than the one who tells the truth. I have not lashed out at him like I would have in the past. I engage less and less in the baited emails and texts he sends. It is so much easier now to focus on me and my recovery. Heck, I even sent the forgiveness emails I mentioned in a recent post. I didn't do that back in December!
It's all a matter of baby steps. I can look back and see what the circumstances were. I can look at today and see that the circumstances are very similar. I can look back at my reactions of before and note that my reactions have changed dramatically since that time.
I have let a lot more go in recent months, especially in recent weeks. The exciting news for me is that when I look back and add up all those tiny steps, I have come a long way, baby! I still hit the speed bumps and road blocks along the way, but my strategies are improving from where they were even a few months ago. When I look at the years I have been on this journey, they have improved IMMENSELY.
Today I smiled at the rain. Thanks for reading.
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