I recently celebrated my two year anniversary in the anon program. I have come so far in this short time, but like any other recovering co-dependent, I know I have far to go. I chaired a recent meeting and had another a-ha moment...it's time to forgive again. So much has happened since the last time I "officially" forgave that I began composing emails to send to those I need to forgive most at this point.
I have found that I am pretty good at forgiving myself, but I tend to hold on to hurts caused by others' actions and/or words. I begin resenting and hating and hurting. Of course, the person who has caused the harm usually thinks the hurt is for something that it is not. At least, that is my experience.
So, in addition to the a-ha moment, this past week has marked a new chapter in my journey in that I have made the conscious decision to make changes in my life. I need to eat better, exercise and refocus my energies on myself, not those who continue to invade my life and not leave me alone. Someone at the meeting I chaired said, "I wish they would just leave me alone." I echo her sentiment. In my case, though, it is people falsely pretending to be doing good or to be meaning goodness in their actions. Why do they keep knocking on the door when I do not want them there? They are worse than telemarketers!
On the one hand there is the concubine (remember her? she's still in the picture though I have no idea why) who pretends to be nice to me. I tried to work quite some time ago with her but no longer communicate with her since uncovering her lies to me and the kids. Furthermore, it is not her responsibility to be the parent nor has she shown any semblance of putting the kids before the addiction so I have no more reason to engage in her manipulations and lies.
On the other hand, there is the parent who can't seem to remember what his responsibilities are. "What time are we meeting?" Did you not read the email YOU sent ME? "You need to send the kids' swimsuits because the ones we have are moldy and stinky." And you claim to be their parent? If you can't do your job, fine, but don't expect me to make up for it. You lost that privilege when you chose your concubine over your family. Have her make up for it now.
So, back to the forgiveness. I began composing the emails. I saved them and re-read them a few times. One of my accomplishments in recovery is that I try not to send anything on the first draft. In fact, I have deleted a few items here and there, and not just those intended for the addict and his enablers. In the end, I did send the emails - one to him, one to his concubine and one to his parents. I did not expect or want any responses, but I received two - from the two females. Of course, according to the one, I am not in recovery. According to the other, there are "explanations" for what has been happening. No replies from me, just let it go - another step forward in the journey of recovery.
Oh, train jumping the track...early on in the divorce process, I strongly believed the infidelity and the alcoholism were two separate issues. However, I came to accept that, on whatever level it may be, they are intertwined. I do not know which came first, the alcohol or the infidelity, but I beleve that they have fed off each other over the years. It's really sad, too, this whole alcoholism deal. He seemed to be such a good, caring, compassionate guy, despite what I thought were quirks. Now, the man I thought I knew is all but gone. His addiction has taken him so far down the dark path, I no longer expect him to become the man I believed he was meant to be. If it happens, whether sooner or later, it will be a welcome surprise.
If you are in a similar-sounding situation, keep the hope and keep the faith. Good can come out of your situation even if for YOU and not for the person who is enveloped in the addiction (of whatever kind) and/or infidelity. You can make your life whatever you want if you have the strength and courage to do what is right. It doesn't matter what your age, either. I was a 40 year old stay-at-home mother when I left my husband. I pray a lot and have an incredible support system - do NOT be afraid to turn to those who love you for support. Do not be afraid to ask for help from professionals. Do not be afraid to trust yourself. Your gut may be the one who understands the best.
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