How did I choose so wrong?

The more time that passes in this divorce, the more I see the nasty, narcissistic, evil inside him.  I never believed him when he used to say that any child of his would be the devil-incarnate.  Heck, I am finding that he, himself, is it.

I have never known anyone to be so mean, uncaring, selfish and out to get someone as he is.  He is still so incapable of taking responsibility for his actions.  He is incapable of admitting his wrong.  I no longer even hope for amends.  Those will never come.

Nor is he able to just stop.  He "won" in his words, but he still works his assholean magic.  He still wants more - give 'em an inch, they'll take a mile.  I think back often to that day outside my grandmother's apartment when he was telling me about his biological father and we swore that he "would never be that man."  He announced that he would always face his responsibilities and never shirk them, never walk away from them.

It is overwhelmingly sad that he has become that very man.  However, he has done that and more!  One difference is that he claims he wants to be a part of the kids' lives and that he wants to work cooperatively on their behalf.  He just doesn't follow through with his actions.  At least his biological father had the balls to be honest and just leave.

He once sent me an email indicating that he was so tired of the fighting, couldn't we just put aside our differences and work together.  This was directly on the tail of an email he sent saying that we would NOT give me his new address - yes, he moved, didn't tell me and didn't give me the address.  I finally got it in court the day of the final divorce hearing because he had to update it with the court.  His own lawyer didn't even have it until then.

My response to the email went something like this:
"sentence 1 - Your actions are screaming volumes more loudly than your words.
sentence 2 - When your actions and your words match, I will be more than happy to work with you."

I just can't wrap my head around the fact that he is this sick, much less the fact that no one else even sees it.  This level of evil just doesn't exist except in serial murderers, torturers, the brainwashed.  What's even sadder and more enflaming is the fact that he is so good at disguising himself so that those who want to believe, do. 

He long ago quit masquerading around me because I figured him out.  However, he is working harder than ever at wearing the mask seamlessly in the rest of his world.  Every edge is sealed tightly to the real skin so the observer has no reason to doubt what he is seeing.  The hand moves ever so precisely in its choreography that the trick is never even suspected.  The smoke dances around the mirrors in a symphony of deceit.

So, how did I choose so wrong?  I actually believed him when he said he loved me.  I believed him when he said I was his soulmate.  I really thought we were meant for each other.  Even with the manipulation that I suffered for nearly 20 years, I never even imagined that he would stay on the path he chose.  I always believed that he would find his way back.  I always believed that he would realize what he had done and really apologize and make up for it.  I finally came to accept that this is highly unlikely.

The worst thing is - despite what he did and said to me, I never in a million years thought he would stoop to the depths of darkness that he has where the children are concerned.  Sadly, even there, no one sees him for what he is.  No one takes up for the kids - they think they are by insisting that he be around them as much as possible.  No one sees that his getting healthy is what the kids really need. 

A good friend of mine who went through a similar situation said that it is really sad that society, the courts, you name it, seem to think that a bad natural parent is better than no natural parent.  I am agreeing more and more with her.

I invite you, if you have survived a similar situation, please join the group and share how you survived and even thrived.  How did you help your children survive and thrive?

As always, thank you for taking time out of your busy lives and for stopping by!

Me