I have been reaching out to and extending my support system these past couple of weeks, and the timing couldn't be better! I spent a lot of time during the last 5 or so years of our marriage constantly doubting and second guessing myself. It ranged from stupid little things (like the time he bought a BMW 335i after he told me he was getting a 325i - he swore that he had told me 335i.) to the really big ones (like the many times he told me he wasn't seeing his concubine).
Maybe something was wrong with me. Nobody else was saying anything so it had to be me. Family and friends alike said nothing. I am not blaming them for anything, but when you feel like you are the only one suspecting things, you start thinking you're losing it. Surely, if things were as bad as you suspected, somebody would have said something.
However, I am being reminded that this is how the addict operates. It is their job to accomplish their goals, no matter the consequences. No matter who is hurt in the process. In fact, they often do not see that they are hurting those closest to them. They just see that they are getting what they want, they aren't doing anything wrong, and don't see beyond that.
I have also been reminded that the "functional" alcoholic/addict has mastered the mirage of the "has it all together" person. They are often well-groomed; have a steady or even good job; can be successful in their work and in projecting the false facade they want the outside world to believe. Unfortunately, this can be a detriment to an abused spouse or to endangered or neglected children for without physical legal or medical evidence, the well-groomed and well-practiced performer hypnotizes investigators and judges into believing that it can't be as bad as the survivor is saying.
Addiction is addiction is addiction, and abuse is abuse is abuse, no matter the physical presentation of the addict and it is a travesty that the legal system is not equipped to confront the matter head on. It's much easier when the addict has been caught on video repeatedly beating the victim. Or, when the addict has been arrested numerous times for wreckless driving. Or, when the addict looks and smells like he's been indulging. At least then there is reason for alarm and for having the person tested for use.
I have repeatedly been reminded the past couple of weeks that I AM doing the right thing by our children. I am NOT crazy in my perceptions of what has happened. Unfortunately, I AM stuck in a legal system that will probably do nothing to protect the children since the physical evidence is now almost a year old. My and the kids' testimony as to their father's appearance, actions and odors holds virtually no weight in a court of law.
So I continue on my journey of accepting that he is what he is and he is where he is. And, it doesn't change. He continues to tell me I am the one who needs to move on and to get over my feelings for him and her. Again, he is trying to make me feel bad and like I am in the wrong. But, I smile as I write this for he has failed again. Try as he may, I know that I am right. I know that I have the best interest of the kids at heart.
I know that her job is to protect him at all costs and they both work hard to make me out as the bad guy. It's all about them. They can do no wrong. Anything they do is because of me. Oh, if only I wielded such power!
I thank the Lord profusely for giving me the strength and courage to open up to and expand my support system for without them I would be a lone soldier in the mental battle. I am finding that the more the insults are thrown my way, the stronger I become in realizing what they are and why they are there.
If your gut is telling you that something is wrong, believe it. You may not be able to identify it, but it is there. Seek out a trusted person to share a conversation about it. Seek out a local organization who can help. I found Women Helping Women in my area. Yet another spoke in my wheel of support.
As I mentioned in an earlier post, I recently celebrated 2 years in anon. I continue in the family program of the outpatient program I attended with him over 2 years ago. I talk regularly to my anon sponsor. I talk regularly to family and friends as needed. I seek counseling as needed. I journal and I blog.
I can only hold on to the fact that I am who I am and I do the best I can with what I have. No one is perfect, myself included. I recognize that fact and I keep my eyes open for ways to improve. I will analyze events and exchanges if I think I could have done something differently. Not necessarily better, just differently.
I pray that you, too, have the strength and courage to do the right thing because the right thing is often the hardest thing to do. It is so much easier to take the easy way out, to blame others and to give in because you are just too weary to continue. I know - you can only take the bullying on the playground for so long before it becomes too much to handle. It's easier to give in than to get back up, shake yourself off, and walk the other direction...over and over and over and over again. But it is worth it in the end. Can you look yourself in the mirror and know that you have done your best? That you have done the right thing for the right reasons? Then you're doing ok. Keep taking those baby steps! That's what I'm doing.
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