It's true...justice really is blind.

I began drafting this post on Wednesday, July 18, 2012, after I lay in bed for quite some time, my mind racing with all the wrongs that had been done in the past few months in the divorce process.  I have decided that the court system is not looking for truth.  It responds positively to the one who can create the illusion of truth.  Because of this, Lady Justice truly is blind.  And she turns a blind eye to the ones who need her the most.

His lies and manipulations of information in his writings, his testimony and his interviews all paved the way for his exoneration.  Not only has he not been held responsible by the court system for his legal wrongs, but this same court system awarded him even more privileges than he had before.

On the stand, he lied about his having lost his job last summer.  We had the paperwork that proved he was fired, but his lawyer found some loophole that prevented it from being entered into evidence.  Furthermore, he lied and said that he was not the only one let go that day.  There were "many" others.  Another lie.  The result of these lies?  Months of alimony and child support not being paid.  I could have fought with objections (but according to my attorney, no "new" evidence could be presented), but decided it wasn't financially worth the fight.  I was willing to let it go, and I did.

And so I sit here at the dawn of July 18, 2012, drafting this post.  I do not understand how so much can go so wrong within the justice system.  It truly is not working in favor of the innocent.  It is working for the one with the most convincing poker face - and I never was any good at bluffing.  I just tell it like it is.

I am also weighing my options with the motion to suspend visitation.  The GAL report, as the ex puts it, is in his favor and, according to my attorney, the court typically accepts the report, even after a trial to argue against it.  My dilemna now is that I do not know exactly what the GAL discussed with or asked the children, the ex or his girlfriend.  Thus, I run the risk of having to put the kids on the stand to testify if certain questions were not asked.  Based on what our daughter shared, the GAL was the "best listener ever.  He didn't interrupt once and I even asked him if he wanted to say or ask anything.  He just kept listening."

So, I am pretty sure he did not talk to the kids about what the other adults have said to them, such as:
"Don't call 9-1-1 if something is wrong with your daddy.  [The girlfriend] will take care of him."
"If you keep telling your mommy things, she will tell the court and you won't see daddy ever again."
"When daddy was taken to the hospital, he just needed some fluid because he was dehydrated.  He was fine."

Nor, did he ask them about situations such as:
The day their daddy physically hit my driver's side window with his fist at his pickup time one Sunday for dinner.
The day their daddy passed out at the pool and they swam "all day."  And "it was so funny.  Daddy fell asleep on the chair and we kept dumping water on him and he still wouldn't wake up."
Or, the day their daddy passed out on the stairs of the apartment and the kids didn't know if he was dead or alive.
Or, how about the night our son puked and his father wouldn't wake up to help clean it?  The girlfriend threw a blanket over it and made the kids sleep there.

Another thing that was supposed to be settled during the motion to suspend visitation were unfiled contempt charges for breaking almost every order in the parenting entry - father will seek individual counseling (not done until nearly 9 months later when the GAL was appointed) and father will refrain from consuming alcohol within 24 hours of parenting time.  Yet, the GAL report found that he deserved even more privileges than he previously had and did not even address these issues.  The safeguards recommended are but token gestures.  He didn't follow the orders the first time around, why will he follow them the second time around?

What about the loopholes and missing consequences?  The recommendations must assume that he will follow through when he hasn't followed through on anything in the past.

So I have to decide between stopping the hemmorhage of money that is being wasted on fighting for the truth and continuing the fight for the truth while destroying my physical, emotional and mental health.  I dropped the objections to the property settlement because I saw no positive outcome in pursuing them although I now wish I would have at least tried.  Now it's a question of the kids' safety.  Am I ready to let go the rest of the way?  Not tonight.  My kids are too precious and deserve better.

A new season begins

It's that time of year again - back to school!  It's amazing how fast the summer goes, and this summer flew by.  I had a long to-do list, but accomplished very little due to my ill-fated ACL recovery.  However, I am finally getting some action from the docs - and just in time to go back to teaching!  So, the summer to-do list will have to wait until next year.

In the meantime, we did some neat things this summer.  We visited my uncle in D.C. and had a great time.  We rocked the Mall with the Girl Scouts' 100th anniversary celebration.  We went geocaching.  We camped out in the backyard.  We went to the movies.  We rescued 4 wild baby birds.  We adopted a retired greyhound racer.  We enjoyed some down time.  We restarted our prayers and positives before bedtime.

Now, we are in nearly full swing of the fall season.  Hard to believe, given it's still summertime!  But, football has been going since the end of July and my first day at school is today - freshman orientation.  It's hard to believe that I am returning to the classroom already.  The kids' school starts in a week and a half and dance starts in September.

I am ready for the changes.  I think the kids are, too.  It's nice to have a routine again, albeit a very EARLY in the morning routine.  I believe this change will do us good.

Today I am thankful for me...for continuing to have the strength and courage to continue finding joy in life.  I am thankful for my kiddos...they are incredibly caring, compassionate, loving and forgiving.  I could learn a thing or two from them.

Me

Some things never change...

I found this draft from February of 2011.  While the specific events are different, the behaviors are the same, a year and a half later.  And, I am over his stupidity during the Cub Scout build.  He had nothing to do with this year's derby AT ALL.  Status quo.

I used to hope that he would turn away from his addiction and his enablers and become the best father on earth.  Heck, I loved him for over 20 years.  You can't just strip yourself of wanting the best for someone when the love is true.  However, I no longer hope for that.  He has spent too much time and energy on destroying all the positive energy I had for him, despite all the negative he had wrought upon me.  I am not seeing the long-term, sustained changes in him.  He is not holding or taking responsibility for the actions that brought us all to this point.  I am shown more and more each day that if he did love the kids and me, he most certainly didn't love us more than his selfish wants and desires.  As a fellow anon'er put it, "He loved me the best way he could."

Yes, he had one tiny almost-positive a couple of weeks ago - when I called to see if he was coming to our son's Cub Scout event, he did not make up any excuses.  He stumbled and stammered, but in the end, admitted that he hadn't even thought about it.  Of course, he did have to add that he sees so many of our son's activities but has hardly seen any of our daughter's.  That's where the copout occurred.

So, once again, something else was more important to him than his kids.  If they are such a burden, then just walk away and leave us all alone.  If they are so important, then stop picking and choosing if/when/where you will show up.  Yes, he bullied his way into the Pinewood Derby Car building time.  No, he didn't get physical or verbal or anything at the meeting.  However, I specifically answered him, "No," when he asked if he was invited.  I wasn't about to make a scene in front of our son.  That would not have been right.  The father who believes he is entitled to shared parenting couldn't answer a simple email indicating when he wanted to build the car with our son, but he sure as hell could show up on the night I rearranged my scheduled to step in since the Derby was just over a week away at that point.  Yes, it upsets me.  I wouldn't be human if it didn't.  No, I am not ready to forgive him for this.

Boy, did I get this one wrong...12/10/10

I found this today as I noticed I had some unfinished drafts.  I had typed it back in December of 2010.  While I still stand by the first paragraph, I have commented on the other two paragraphs in contrasting colors as my view on things has changed in the past year and a half.

I do ask that anyone who reads this please pray for him.  Pray that the good Lord puts him where He wants him in life.  Pray that he begin to use his freewill to listen to Him, really listen to Him. 

Pray for her...that she realize her role in all this and how she, too, has been manipulated.  I actually pity her for being used as much as I despise her for her active choices in this affair.
Manipulated?  Not so sure about that one anymore.  She seems more and more to be as much a driving force in the negative events as he is.  I also despise her for her active choices in the treatment of the kids.

I also pray that they have the wisdom to realize and understand that I did nothing wrong.  I was not perfect in the marriage, but I did not go looking for someone else to fill the gaps he was leaving, either.  Am I going to lose sleep if they blame me or look down upon me?  No.  However, I pray that they see things as they really are, not as he may try to make them appear.
I'm over this one, too.  I no longer care what they think.  I have come to the conclusion that they will never see the truth and will continue to create their own version of everything that happens.  It's pretty obvious when you have official records that say one thing and text messages & emails that say another.  They can't see or tell the truth when the evidence is right in front of their faces, so they surely won't see it when it is but a distant memory (or blackout, as the case probably is).

Sad but true.

So my acceptance of what is continues as does his refusal to follow through with his responsibilities. 

I again have evidence that he is still drinking while the kids are with him. 

He is still refusing to pay his half of the kids' out of pocket medical bills to date.

I continue my journey of knowing that this is the way he is and that he will continue to be until he is, as an addict once said to me, "miserable enough."  I do not believe he will ever be miserable enough to change, but it would be a welcome change, if ever he is.

I don't even think I pity him anymore for he has made these decisions of his own volition.  I still do not trust him and lost all respect for him some time ago - and, yes, it is because of his treatment of me and the kids and the overall situation. 

I feel worst for the kids.  I abhor the fact that they are first hand witnesses to his behaviors and are told half-truths and lies to explain away what they see and hear.  They are in training to become co-dependent enablers.  I can only pray that God will give them the courage and strength to see it all for what it really is and that they grow up to be strong, confident and able to live their own lives without the destruction of co-dependence and enabling.

A spoonful of sugar...

Yes, there is some good out there in our lives.  For those of us dealing with addiction, betrayal and constant uncertainty of people in our lives, it is sometimes difficult to focus on those positives.  Let me just say that, despite the continuing drinking and intoxication that is occurring while the children are in his care, I have still been able to find peace, fun, happiness and good ol' belly laughs.

About a week and a half ago, I celebrated my 25th high school reunion.  And, what a blast it was!  I had seen some people I hadn't seen in a long time; danced one-legged (my acl is still not healed enough to really use that leg); reminisced til the wee hours of the night and laughed until my face and stomach hurt!  Two nights later, three of us went out for dinner and more laughs.  What a great time we had!

Just this past weekend, another positive, though a bit precarious and difficult.  The kids returned from their visit with their dad with 4 baby birds in tow.  Evidently, the next was moved from their dad's porch because there was too much poop.  We called and found some wildlife rehabilitators and after keeping the birds alive for 2 nights, finally got them transported to their new home.  My daughter called today to check on them (their first night away from us) and they are doing fine.  Everyone had eaten and they were napping.

I am so proud of my children for being such caring individuals.  My daughter's concern was that the birds needed to know that someone does love and care about them.  It is such a commentary on what she and her brother are experiencing.  It was difficult to let them go, but both children did the right thing by giving the birds to someone who is equipped to give them their best chance possible.

May you find some good in your life today.  It may be very small so keep your eyes, heart and mind open to any and all possibilities!

Are you feeling crazy? Second guessing yourself?

I have been reaching out to and extending my support system these past couple of weeks, and the timing couldn't be better!  I spent a lot of time during the last 5 or so years of our marriage constantly doubting and second guessing myself.  It ranged from stupid little things (like the time he bought a BMW 335i after he told me he was getting a 325i - he swore that he had told me 335i.) to the really big ones (like the many times he told me he wasn't seeing his concubine).

Maybe something was wrong with me.  Nobody else was saying anything so it had to be me.  Family and friends alike said nothing.  I am not blaming them for anything, but when you feel like you are the only one suspecting things, you start thinking you're losing it.  Surely, if things were as bad as you suspected, somebody would have said something.

However, I am being reminded that this is how the addict operates.  It is their job to accomplish their goals, no matter the consequences.  No matter who is hurt in the process.  In fact, they often do not see that they are hurting those closest to them.  They just see that they are getting what they want, they aren't doing anything wrong, and don't see beyond that.

I have also been reminded that the "functional" alcoholic/addict has mastered the mirage of the "has it all together" person.  They are often well-groomed; have a steady or even good job; can be successful in their work and in projecting the false facade they want the outside world to believe.    Unfortunately, this can be a detriment to an abused spouse or to endangered or neglected children for without physical legal or medical evidence, the well-groomed and well-practiced performer hypnotizes investigators and judges into believing that it can't be as bad as the survivor is saying.

Addiction is addiction is addiction, and abuse is abuse is abuse, no matter the physical presentation of the addict and it is a travesty that the legal system is not equipped to confront the matter head on.  It's much easier when the addict has been caught on video repeatedly beating the victim.  Or, when the addict has been arrested numerous times for wreckless driving.  Or, when the addict looks and smells like he's been indulging.  At least then there is reason for alarm and for having the person tested for use.

I have repeatedly been reminded the past couple of weeks that I AM doing the right thing by our children.  I am NOT crazy in my perceptions of what has happened.  Unfortunately, I AM stuck in a legal system that will probably do nothing to protect the children since the physical evidence is now almost a year old.  My and the kids' testimony as to their father's appearance, actions and odors holds virtually no weight in a court of law.

So I continue on my journey of accepting that he is what he is and he is where he is.  And, it doesn't change.  He continues to tell me I am the one who needs to move on and to get over my feelings for him and her.  Again, he is trying to make me feel bad and like I am in the wrong.  But, I smile as I write this for he has failed again.  Try as he may, I know that I am right.  I know that I have the best interest of the kids at heart.

I know that her job is to protect him at all costs and they both work hard to make me out as the bad guy.  It's all about them.  They can do no wrong.  Anything they do is because of me.  Oh, if only I wielded such power!

I thank the Lord profusely for giving me the strength and courage to open up to and expand my support system for without them I would be a lone soldier in the mental battle.  I am finding that the more the insults are thrown my way, the stronger I become in realizing what they are and why they are there.

If your gut is telling you that something is wrong, believe it.  You may not be able to identify it, but it is there.  Seek out a trusted person to share a conversation about it.  Seek out a local organization who can help.  I found Women Helping Women in my area.  Yet another spoke in my wheel of support. 

As I mentioned in an earlier post, I recently celebrated 2 years in anon.  I continue in the family program of the outpatient program I attended with him over 2 years ago.  I talk regularly to my anon sponsor.  I talk regularly to family and friends as needed.  I seek counseling as needed.  I journal and I blog.

I can only hold on to the fact that I am who I am and I do the best I can with what I have.  No one is perfect, myself included.  I recognize that fact and I keep my eyes open for ways to improve.  I will analyze events and exchanges if I think I could have done something differently.  Not necessarily better, just differently.

I pray that you, too, have the strength and courage to do the right thing because the right thing is often the hardest thing to do.  It is so much easier to take the easy way out, to blame others and to give in because you are just too weary to continue.  I know - you can only take the bullying on the playground for so long before it becomes too much to handle.  It's easier to give in than to get back up, shake yourself off, and walk the other direction...over and over and over and over again.  But it is worth it in the end.  Can you look yourself in the mirror and know that you have done your best?  That you have done the right thing for the right reasons?  Then you're doing ok.  Keep taking those baby steps!  That's what I'm doing.

We'll see..

When I first read this, I wondered, "How patient do I have to be?  I spent so many years being patient for this very reason, believing he would make things right."  What I have realized is that he is someone who ignores what he has done in the past.  Once it's in the past, it's of no consequence.  Everyone else should forget about it, too.

Even that wouldn't have been too bad to handle, if he stopped there, but he doesn't.  He keeps jumping tracks, finding new things to get away with, never making anything right.  How I wish this quote would come to fruition.  But, I cannot live my life waiting for that moment.  I must continue to move on.

What a difference a day makes!

It's amazing the difference a day can make.  And the right counselor.  Yep, I found a counselor who is incredible!  She has experience with everything I am experiencing - the substance abuse, the insanity, the courts, you name it.  I am so glad the good Lord sent her my way.  The kids' counselor is great, but her schedule was just too full to fit me in as a patient, too, so she recommended this person.  A perfect match!

I can't say enough good things about her.  She asks the tough questions and she also sees the situation for what it is (that goodness!) and we are working on strategies that I can use to get through the insanity of what has been happening lately.

In a perfect world, my hope would be that one day the children's father will be healthy enough that he can join me.  Why, you might ask?  Because that could lead to the kids, their father and I all getting counseling together for the benefit of the kids.  Of course, I cannot make that choice for him so I am continuing my healing journey, speed bumps/rollercoasters and all.  If he chooses long-term, sustained health over addiction, narcissism and harassment, I will gladly consider working with him.

Today went very well and I am looking at options for an upcoming situation.  Originally, I thought I had only two choices, give up or prolong the destruction of my health by continuing the stressful battle.  However, it's all about perception...maybe other options are out there and I am already researching them.

If you are in a difficult situation, reach out for help.  If you feel you cannot afford the help, check with your local county.  Many of them have free services.  I recently found one such group in my area.  I meet with them soon.  Yet another tool for my toolbelt.

I also saw an incredible quote today,
"Have you prayed about it as much as you have talked about it?" 
Probably the most wonderfully useful and reliable tool in the toolbelt, prayer.  Don't leave home without it!

How did I choose so wrong?

The more time that passes in this divorce, the more I see the nasty, narcissistic, evil inside him.  I never believed him when he used to say that any child of his would be the devil-incarnate.  Heck, I am finding that he, himself, is it.

I have never known anyone to be so mean, uncaring, selfish and out to get someone as he is.  He is still so incapable of taking responsibility for his actions.  He is incapable of admitting his wrong.  I no longer even hope for amends.  Those will never come.

Nor is he able to just stop.  He "won" in his words, but he still works his assholean magic.  He still wants more - give 'em an inch, they'll take a mile.  I think back often to that day outside my grandmother's apartment when he was telling me about his biological father and we swore that he "would never be that man."  He announced that he would always face his responsibilities and never shirk them, never walk away from them.

It is overwhelmingly sad that he has become that very man.  However, he has done that and more!  One difference is that he claims he wants to be a part of the kids' lives and that he wants to work cooperatively on their behalf.  He just doesn't follow through with his actions.  At least his biological father had the balls to be honest and just leave.

He once sent me an email indicating that he was so tired of the fighting, couldn't we just put aside our differences and work together.  This was directly on the tail of an email he sent saying that we would NOT give me his new address - yes, he moved, didn't tell me and didn't give me the address.  I finally got it in court the day of the final divorce hearing because he had to update it with the court.  His own lawyer didn't even have it until then.

My response to the email went something like this:
"sentence 1 - Your actions are screaming volumes more loudly than your words.
sentence 2 - When your actions and your words match, I will be more than happy to work with you."

I just can't wrap my head around the fact that he is this sick, much less the fact that no one else even sees it.  This level of evil just doesn't exist except in serial murderers, torturers, the brainwashed.  What's even sadder and more enflaming is the fact that he is so good at disguising himself so that those who want to believe, do. 

He long ago quit masquerading around me because I figured him out.  However, he is working harder than ever at wearing the mask seamlessly in the rest of his world.  Every edge is sealed tightly to the real skin so the observer has no reason to doubt what he is seeing.  The hand moves ever so precisely in its choreography that the trick is never even suspected.  The smoke dances around the mirrors in a symphony of deceit.

So, how did I choose so wrong?  I actually believed him when he said he loved me.  I believed him when he said I was his soulmate.  I really thought we were meant for each other.  Even with the manipulation that I suffered for nearly 20 years, I never even imagined that he would stay on the path he chose.  I always believed that he would find his way back.  I always believed that he would realize what he had done and really apologize and make up for it.  I finally came to accept that this is highly unlikely.

The worst thing is - despite what he did and said to me, I never in a million years thought he would stoop to the depths of darkness that he has where the children are concerned.  Sadly, even there, no one sees him for what he is.  No one takes up for the kids - they think they are by insisting that he be around them as much as possible.  No one sees that his getting healthy is what the kids really need. 

A good friend of mine who went through a similar situation said that it is really sad that society, the courts, you name it, seem to think that a bad natural parent is better than no natural parent.  I am agreeing more and more with her.

I invite you, if you have survived a similar situation, please join the group and share how you survived and even thrived.  How did you help your children survive and thrive?

As always, thank you for taking time out of your busy lives and for stopping by!

Me

Update from December 23 post...the rollercoaster

As I read back through the posts from last year, I came upon one where I was venting and realized that the very same things are transpiring now, even as everything seems to be coming to a close.  At the time, I was furious with the legal system for not holding him accountable for his actions.  He was on probation for his 2nd OVI, endangering a child and fleeing & eluding.  One of the conditions of his probation was that he was not to be drinking.  Even with repeated evidence being given to the probation department, NOTHING was done.  He didn't lose one driving privilege.  He was able to drive anywhere, any time, with the kids in the car.  His probation ended this past March and he got away with so many probation violations it made me sick, literally.

Now, in the domestic relations court, the very same thing is happening.  He is not being held responsible for his negative actions, one of which includes breaking our parenting entry - no consuming alcohol within 24 hours of or during parenting time.  This has repeatedly occurred and we even have hard evidence of it, but it counts for nothing.  For those of you screaming the question... yes, we had a guardian ad litem.

He also lied on the stand about having lost his job last summer, but the day the witness was in court to testify, the magistrate cancelled the hearing because he was being transferred to a different division.  It became a he-said, she-said dilemna for the magistrate to figure out.  He used the false testimony as the basis of his decision on that issue. 

For the math geniuses of the world, of our total combined income, it's a 7-10 split (whoa, the bowling analogy!)...for the kids and me, we have 70% of what he has for just himself.  That's after child support and alimony are paid and before he takes the deduction on the alimony paid...another way of putting it is that he has about 59% of the total, just for himself while two kids and I are living off of 41%.  It doesn't bother me that we live on less than he, but he still complains that he has no money and that if I continue certain actions (i.e., not sending extra stuff with the kids), he will take me back to court.

So, what's the difference between then (December 23) and now?  Afterall, I have spent a few paragraphs venting, right?  Actually, I want you to see that you are not alone in your struggles and that even though the specifics may be different, we all can survive and thrive after these types of encounters.

I am handling it all much differently from how I did back then.  Don't get me wrong - I have felt the frustration and anger at the system and how it seems, in our case, to have favored the one better able to put up a front than the one who tells the truth.  I have not lashed out at him like I would have in the past.  I engage less and less in the baited emails and texts he sends.  It is so much easier now to focus on me and my recovery.  Heck, I even sent the forgiveness emails I mentioned in a recent post.  I didn't do that back in December!

It's all a matter of baby steps.  I can look back and see what the circumstances were.  I can look at today and see that the circumstances are very similar.  I can look back at my reactions of before and note that my reactions have changed dramatically since that time.

I have let a lot more go in recent months, especially in recent weeks.  The exciting news for me is that when I look back and add up all those tiny steps, I have come a long way, baby!  I still hit the speed bumps and road blocks along the way, but my strategies are improving from where they were even a few months ago.  When I look at the years I have been on this journey, they have improved IMMENSELY.

Today I smiled at the rain.  Thanks for reading.

New beginnings

I recently celebrated my two year anniversary in the anon program.  I have come so far in this short time, but like any other recovering co-dependent, I know I have far to go.  I chaired a recent meeting and had another a-ha moment...it's time to forgive again.  So much has happened since the last time I "officially" forgave that I began composing emails to send to those I need to forgive most at this point.

I have found that I am pretty good at forgiving myself, but I tend to hold on to hurts caused by others' actions and/or words.  I begin resenting and hating and hurting.  Of course, the person who has caused the harm usually thinks the hurt is for something that it is not.  At least, that is my experience.

So, in addition to the a-ha moment, this past week has marked a new chapter in my journey in that I have made the conscious decision to make changes in my life.  I need to eat better, exercise and refocus my energies on myself, not those who continue to invade my life and not leave me alone.  Someone at the meeting I chaired said, "I wish they would just leave me alone."  I echo her sentiment.  In my case, though, it is people falsely pretending to be doing good or to be meaning goodness in their actions.  Why do they keep knocking on the door when I do not want them there?  They are worse than telemarketers!

On the one hand there is the concubine (remember her?  she's still in the picture though I have no idea why) who pretends to be nice to me.  I tried to work quite some time ago with her but no longer communicate with her since uncovering her lies to me and the kids.  Furthermore, it is not her responsibility to be the parent nor has she shown any semblance of putting the kids before the addiction so I have no more reason to engage in her manipulations and lies.

On the other hand, there is the parent who can't seem to remember what his responsibilities are.  "What time are we meeting?"  Did you not read the email YOU sent ME?  "You need to send the kids' swimsuits because the ones we have are moldy and stinky."  And you claim to be their parent?  If you can't do your job, fine, but don't expect me to make up for it.  You lost that privilege when you chose your concubine over your family.  Have her make up for it now.

So, back to the forgiveness.  I began composing the emails.  I saved them and re-read them a few times.  One of my accomplishments in recovery is that I try not to send anything on the first draft.  In fact, I have deleted a few items here and there, and not just those intended for the addict and his enablers.  In the end, I did send the emails - one to him, one to his concubine and one to his parents.  I did not expect or want any responses, but I received two - from the two females.  Of course, according to the one, I am not in recovery.  According to the other, there are "explanations" for what has been happening.  No replies from me, just let it go - another step forward in the journey of recovery.

Oh, train jumping the track...early on in the divorce process, I strongly believed the infidelity and the alcoholism were two separate issues.  However, I came to accept that, on whatever level it may be, they are intertwined.  I do not know which came first, the alcohol or the infidelity, but I beleve that they have fed off each other over the years.  It's really sad, too, this whole alcoholism deal.  He seemed to be such a good, caring, compassionate guy, despite what I thought were quirks.  Now, the man I thought I knew is all but gone.  His addiction has taken him so far down the dark path, I no longer expect him to become the man I believed he was meant to be.  If it happens, whether sooner or later, it will be a welcome surprise.

If you are in a similar-sounding situation, keep the hope and keep the faith.  Good can come out of your situation even if for YOU and not for the person who is enveloped in the addiction (of whatever kind) and/or infidelity.  You can make your life whatever you want if you have the strength and courage to do what is right.  It doesn't matter what your age, either.  I was a 40 year old stay-at-home mother when I left my husband.  I pray a lot and have an incredible support system - do NOT be afraid to turn to those who love you for support.  Do not be afraid to ask for help from professionals.  Do not be afraid to trust yourself.  Your gut may be the one who understands the best.

Another step in the journey

This is it.  I officially started a blog.  Didn't think I ever would, but here is yet another step in my journey.  I have been journaling for some time now, mostly in a word processing program so I could save all my deepest inner thoughts without having to share with anyone.  Now, I have decided to share my journey.

I found this in my drafts box as I was updating things in the blog.  I actually drafted it back in September of 2010.  Such a short, simple statement, but it says so much about where I was headed.  Now I can look back and see how far I've come.

I'm back!

Good Friday morning, everyone!  I do not know how soon everyone will begin reading again, but I decided to reopen the blog now that the divorce is final.  I have missed blogging very much.  In the  meantime, I continued journaling and moving my life forward, all in the throes of continued addictive behaviors and enabling on the part of my ex and his entourage.  I have neither the time nor the energy right now to update on all the details, but let me update you on where the kids and I are.  We have made many strides along the way, despite the many speed bumps and road blocks we've encountered.

In December, my parents bought a house that I now rent from them.  Due to my destroyed credit score, I can not get any kind of credit right now.  We did some fixing up and moved in March.  It's a great little place, nothing like what we had before I left the marriage.  Cozy, simple, a huge yard.  I love it.

Also in March, I had ACL replacement surgery.  Yes, I tore my ACL in the fall and had to wait that long to get it repaired.  Red tape.  Anyway, despite the complete tear, I was able to continue working up until surgery.  Recovery was going great for a few weeks, and then kerplooey.  I was set back two weeks as pain set in where it had not been the entire time.  I am now back on track, though physical therapy was denied this last request.

I began working on my Master's in the spring of 2011 and took classes through December of 2011.  The course load became too much with teaching full time and having to split time and energy with the divorce.  I decided to no longer take classes during the school year and to take this summer off so I could spend some quality time with the kiddos.  I will recommence classes next summer and be not too far off from the diploma!

The kids made it through their 2nd year at the new school.  It's starting to feel like home to me, now, as I meet more parents and bond more closely with those I regularly see.  Our daughter had some tough struggles with the academics - she had a terrible time focusing and completing tasks.  She often forgot to turn in work, though she had completed it.  It's been a struggle, but she made it!  Our son, on the other hand, had done quite well academically, but has struggled with consistent, positive friendships.  He gets his feelings hurt very easily and the sadness and hurt from his perception of his dad's ignoring him carried over into his school days.

We also added a family member mid-June.  We adopted a retired Greyhound racer.  He is docile and one big couch potato, but has such a huge personality.  I think he has been good for us, I hope we have been good for him, too.

So, all in all, I am farther along in my journey than when I last blogged.  I still take one step at a time and am still facing adversity, which you would think would have lessened by now.  I continue to overcome it in the best way I know.  As I get a chance, I will upate you on some of the road blocks, speed bumps and milestones I have crossed along the way.  It has been way too long since I shared with you.

May you find serenity and peace in your journey as I continually try to in mine.  Yes, there are days (more often than not now) when serenity calms my days and you, too, can find that same peace.

Thanks for reading.

Me