I can't believe it myself, but I did it. Tonight at the kids' dropoff I actually walked up to the truck and told her, "I forgive you for breaking up my marriage. I do not forgive you for being in the kids' lives before the divorce is final, but I forgive you for taking him away from me."
Now, some of you may be spitting fire and shooting smoke out your ears at hearing this. However, forgiveness does NOT mean that I trust her or like her. It sure as hell doesn't mean that I approve of her being in anyone's life. It doesn't mean a lot of the things that so many of you are ranting right now.
It means that I have put down the load. I have put down the load of hatred and anger and resentment. I have put down the load I have been carrying for so long, the load that has weighed ME down and has caused me such pain.
Do not misunderstand this...I do not want her around my children. I still consider her an enabler to his addictions. I consider her an accomplice to his two OVI's, especially the one where our son was in the car last March. What I have done is I have forgiven her for destroying my hopes and dreams.
Now I have new ones in place and I am moving on. It feels strangely calming, having actually said the words to her face. I have reached a new point in my spirituality and in my healing and recovery. Wow! Wasn't sure what to expect, but this is it.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Saturday, January 29, 2011
One Year ago This Month...
I found out that my "soulmate" had been lying to me for 2 years about having quit his affair. He was still in a well-cemented relationship with his concubine (yes, I looked up the definition and that's why I chose this word at the time), and had no intention of ending it. It just took me two more months to realize that he would not put me first in his heart and soul, and that his addiction to her was stronger than any love he claimed for me.
I went through a lot of confusion, turmoil, angst, pain, you name it!, for nearly two months - his claiming that he wanted to "fix the marriage," then turning around and telling her, "She bought it. She thinks I want to fix the marriage." Claims of loving me. Then, I'd find a love letter he compsed to her. Claims of "easing out of" the relationship with her. After all, she was only 20-something and he had "taken advantage of her" and had "ruined her life." He couldn't just dump her and be done with her. However, he had no guilty feelings about how he had been treating me or how he continued to treat me.
I told him several times that if he didn't want to leave her, then just leave me. Go stay with her and leave me alone. We could get a divorce and he could live whatever life with her that he wanted. But that's not what he wanted. He seems to have wanted the image of a wife and kids, nice home, good job and the concubine on the side. "She makes me feel good. She boosts my ego." I would boost your ego, too, if there were anything to boost. However, you're giving me nothing to work with. Lying, cheating, betraying...those are not characteristics and actions to be boasted.
Now, a year later, I am in a much better place, with much goodness in my life. Heck, I even went through the "official" anniversary day and it didn't even cross my mind! Don't get me wrong, this has NOT been an easy road for me. At times, there have been great trials and efforts, but it is all worth it. I have seen what great friends and family I have surrounding me. I see what a strong person I really am. I sought (and continue to seek) spiritual advice, legal advice, I read and read some more, attended his outpatient family program with him ("on the sly" so "she wouldn't know"). I just can't thank everyone who has been there for me in the smallest to the biggest ways. Everyone has touched me in some way and I appreciate you.
I went through a lot of confusion, turmoil, angst, pain, you name it!, for nearly two months - his claiming that he wanted to "fix the marriage," then turning around and telling her, "She bought it. She thinks I want to fix the marriage." Claims of loving me. Then, I'd find a love letter he compsed to her. Claims of "easing out of" the relationship with her. After all, she was only 20-something and he had "taken advantage of her" and had "ruined her life." He couldn't just dump her and be done with her. However, he had no guilty feelings about how he had been treating me or how he continued to treat me.
I told him several times that if he didn't want to leave her, then just leave me. Go stay with her and leave me alone. We could get a divorce and he could live whatever life with her that he wanted. But that's not what he wanted. He seems to have wanted the image of a wife and kids, nice home, good job and the concubine on the side. "She makes me feel good. She boosts my ego." I would boost your ego, too, if there were anything to boost. However, you're giving me nothing to work with. Lying, cheating, betraying...those are not characteristics and actions to be boasted.
Now, a year later, I am in a much better place, with much goodness in my life. Heck, I even went through the "official" anniversary day and it didn't even cross my mind! Don't get me wrong, this has NOT been an easy road for me. At times, there have been great trials and efforts, but it is all worth it. I have seen what great friends and family I have surrounding me. I see what a strong person I really am. I sought (and continue to seek) spiritual advice, legal advice, I read and read some more, attended his outpatient family program with him ("on the sly" so "she wouldn't know"). I just can't thank everyone who has been there for me in the smallest to the biggest ways. Everyone has touched me in some way and I appreciate you.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
A Tisket, a Tasket....a lot is in my Basket
The freedom (not exactly the right word) I feel now that I am on my path to recovery is such a welcome calm in my life. At my anon meeting last night, I commented on how the tools and strategies I am learning there are so useful and pertinent in all aspects of my life, not just in dealing with the alcoholic who brought such turmoil and chaos upon us. These tools are especially helpful when life includes many, many activities and responsibilities that must be juggled.
So, here is the list of goodness in my life now. It all keeps me busy, but busy is a lot more welcome than insane, or stressed or enabling!
Our 7 year old son's first basketball game is this morning! I have the privilege of being his team's coach.
Our 9 year old daughter has planned a staycation for us this Monday since all three of us are off school. Can't wait!
Both kids have LOTS of homework to do this weekend as they were both terribly sick all week. Not the norm for us.
I have grading to finish for my own students as exam week was this past week.
I began my own classes this past Wednesday night. More reading, LOTS of reading!
I am preparing for a trip to Washington, D.C. with some students. We are attending the Life March, a first for me.
I take the MAT this Friday in order to be an official college student once again!
I have a meeting with the lawyers and my betrayer the last week of the month and then a meeting with the magistrate after that.
So, while the list never ends and is constantly changing, adding and deleting items as they pop up or are completed, I welcome the nature of the majority of the tasks. They are either for the good of the kids and/or me, or they are a means to an end of the insanity I have suffered for the past several years. It will be hard work at times, but well worth it in the end!
So, here is the list of goodness in my life now. It all keeps me busy, but busy is a lot more welcome than insane, or stressed or enabling!
Our 7 year old son's first basketball game is this morning! I have the privilege of being his team's coach.
Our 9 year old daughter has planned a staycation for us this Monday since all three of us are off school. Can't wait!
Both kids have LOTS of homework to do this weekend as they were both terribly sick all week. Not the norm for us.
I have grading to finish for my own students as exam week was this past week.
I began my own classes this past Wednesday night. More reading, LOTS of reading!
I am preparing for a trip to Washington, D.C. with some students. We are attending the Life March, a first for me.
I take the MAT this Friday in order to be an official college student once again!
I have a meeting with the lawyers and my betrayer the last week of the month and then a meeting with the magistrate after that.
So, while the list never ends and is constantly changing, adding and deleting items as they pop up or are completed, I welcome the nature of the majority of the tasks. They are either for the good of the kids and/or me, or they are a means to an end of the insanity I have suffered for the past several years. It will be hard work at times, but well worth it in the end!
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Live for Today and Plan what you Must
Happy Tuesday morning! I am happy to report that today is another great day. Yes, I am in a much better place since having spoken with so many of my mentors over the weekend. Thank you for helping me return things in perspective.
Today I have the privilege of planning my upcoming week. I begin classes tomorrow - yes, I am returning to college. Not by choice, mind you. I was a teacher in my former life, pre-kids. When our daughter was born, we decided that I would be a stay-at-home mom. Of course, my dream was that I would try something new when it was time to re-enter the workforce - be a writer, a designer, a crafts entrepreneur. But, alas, that is not to be. Instead, I have returned to teaching (1/3 time this year as nothing else was available), and in order to be able to teach full-time and as a "full-fledged" teacher, I must renew my license which lapsed about 7 years ago.
The renewal requires 12 semester hours of work to be completed, and, thus, why I begin classes tomorrow. I am actually looking forward to this path on my journey. It should be interesting to return to the classroom and be on the student side again. In addition to the 12 hours necessary to renew my license, I am going the extra step and pursuing a Master's degree in Education with an endorsement, probably in gifted/talented. That way, I will have 3 teaching areas: French, reading, gifted/talented.
A good friend of mine commented recently how motivated I've been to further myself and to really get things going in my life. What she didn't realize at the time was that some of this motivation is born of pure need, not desire. Taking these classes began as just that, pure need. However, I have taken the extra step both to make myself more marketable and to move myself up on the salary schedule. Every little bit helps when you're a single parent taking care of two kids.
May today bring a little ray of sunshine to your heart.
May today be the day when you can take that baby step forward in whatever difficulty you face.
May today be the day when you hold your head high and choose right over wrong, especially if it is a difficult choice for you.
May today be the day you appreciate the good in your life and run with it instead of being bogged down by the bad.
May a smile cross your face, the SONshine fill your space.
May you be at peace today.
Today I have the privilege of planning my upcoming week. I begin classes tomorrow - yes, I am returning to college. Not by choice, mind you. I was a teacher in my former life, pre-kids. When our daughter was born, we decided that I would be a stay-at-home mom. Of course, my dream was that I would try something new when it was time to re-enter the workforce - be a writer, a designer, a crafts entrepreneur. But, alas, that is not to be. Instead, I have returned to teaching (1/3 time this year as nothing else was available), and in order to be able to teach full-time and as a "full-fledged" teacher, I must renew my license which lapsed about 7 years ago.
The renewal requires 12 semester hours of work to be completed, and, thus, why I begin classes tomorrow. I am actually looking forward to this path on my journey. It should be interesting to return to the classroom and be on the student side again. In addition to the 12 hours necessary to renew my license, I am going the extra step and pursuing a Master's degree in Education with an endorsement, probably in gifted/talented. That way, I will have 3 teaching areas: French, reading, gifted/talented.
A good friend of mine commented recently how motivated I've been to further myself and to really get things going in my life. What she didn't realize at the time was that some of this motivation is born of pure need, not desire. Taking these classes began as just that, pure need. However, I have taken the extra step both to make myself more marketable and to move myself up on the salary schedule. Every little bit helps when you're a single parent taking care of two kids.
May today bring a little ray of sunshine to your heart.
May today be the day when you can take that baby step forward in whatever difficulty you face.
May today be the day when you hold your head high and choose right over wrong, especially if it is a difficult choice for you.
May today be the day you appreciate the good in your life and run with it instead of being bogged down by the bad.
May a smile cross your face, the SONshine fill your space.
May you be at peace today.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
My Sponsor is GREAT!
For those of you working a 12-step program, you know how powerful an experience having a sponsor can be. I must echo the positive vibes of having a sponsor who has "been there." Even in our very short time as sponsor/sponsee, mine has helped me sooooo much...I cannot even put it into words.
Thank you, dear sponsor, for being there for me. You have given such insight and perspective to a seemingly nutso situation. I appreciate all that you are doing in helping me to work through this part of my journey. It is so comforting to have you in my life. Thanks for helping me acquire even more tools for my toolbelt of life.
Thank you, dear sponsor, for being there for me. You have given such insight and perspective to a seemingly nutso situation. I appreciate all that you are doing in helping me to work through this part of my journey. It is so comforting to have you in my life. Thanks for helping me acquire even more tools for my toolbelt of life.
Remember the Gratitude
Remembering to be thankful for the good is very difficult when your mind, body and soul are being pummelled by emotional turmoil. The ambush seems like too much to handle at times. It seems no one understands what you are truly going through...even my sisters-in-law who were all cheated on by their ex-spouses. I want to shout out, "At least they were honest with you about it all!" My almost-ex is still denying having done anything wrong.
This post comes about a week after having been pummelled by the emotions. I am in a much better place now, but it still hurts. When you love and trust someone so deeply and they just throw it in your face, telling you that you are not good enough; that it's your fault; heck, he even finally admitted in our last counseling session back in May that I'm not good at anything and that I'm not even pretty. Of course, I do not believe his words as I am confident in who I am. However, it does not reduce the raw ripping of the soul that occurs when your soulmate does this to you.
So, I am going to take this time to be thankful. The list changes as events and situations warrant, but I still have lots for which to be grateful:
Today. The sun is shining. My kids and I shared a bacon and eggs breakfast at the table this morning.
My family - too many reasons to list.
My friends - OMG! The ways you have been there for me are too numerous to mention, too.
All the acquaintances in my life who have touched me in some way...I still think back to the many customers at my "old" Skyline...the anonymous woman who left the hand-written message on a napkin - I saved it; Dave; Seven and "Eight" - yes, the good Lord has more than multiplied by 10-fold; the many others who said or sent positive comments my way. Cindy, who has been so helpful with my moving.
Having a gas gauge and fuel sensor that work!
Beginning my grad classes this week. I am on my way to being a full-fledged teacher again!
Having begun to make amends to my students who have had to suffer the consequences of my lack of focus on them and their work during this first semester.
Having a roof over our heads and food to eat; clothes to wear.
My jobs, employers and colleagues.
Oh, I can't forget my group friends - my monthly family group and anon friends. So many of you have been an inspiration to me and such a support.
And, that's just the beginning. There are many, many more reasons for which I am grateful. But, that will have to wait. My son is beckoning...we need to find Ninja's hat and sword:)
This post comes about a week after having been pummelled by the emotions. I am in a much better place now, but it still hurts. When you love and trust someone so deeply and they just throw it in your face, telling you that you are not good enough; that it's your fault; heck, he even finally admitted in our last counseling session back in May that I'm not good at anything and that I'm not even pretty. Of course, I do not believe his words as I am confident in who I am. However, it does not reduce the raw ripping of the soul that occurs when your soulmate does this to you.
So, I am going to take this time to be thankful. The list changes as events and situations warrant, but I still have lots for which to be grateful:
Today. The sun is shining. My kids and I shared a bacon and eggs breakfast at the table this morning.
My family - too many reasons to list.
My friends - OMG! The ways you have been there for me are too numerous to mention, too.
All the acquaintances in my life who have touched me in some way...I still think back to the many customers at my "old" Skyline...the anonymous woman who left the hand-written message on a napkin - I saved it; Dave; Seven and "Eight" - yes, the good Lord has more than multiplied by 10-fold; the many others who said or sent positive comments my way. Cindy, who has been so helpful with my moving.
Having a gas gauge and fuel sensor that work!
Beginning my grad classes this week. I am on my way to being a full-fledged teacher again!
Having begun to make amends to my students who have had to suffer the consequences of my lack of focus on them and their work during this first semester.
Having a roof over our heads and food to eat; clothes to wear.
My jobs, employers and colleagues.
Oh, I can't forget my group friends - my monthly family group and anon friends. So many of you have been an inspiration to me and such a support.
And, that's just the beginning. There are many, many more reasons for which I am grateful. But, that will have to wait. My son is beckoning...we need to find Ninja's hat and sword:)
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Vent du Jour
It's a shame, really...he is so far in denial that he doesn't see how negative his choices are. He is either truly evil-incarnate or he is still so much sicker than he admits. I know my recovery is not complete. It never will be complete. However, I know how far I've come and how far I have to go.
He asks why I am "bitter and critical". This projection clouds the fact that it was just an observation. It's just a fact - I pulled up to the house to find that not only was he not at the house cleaning as I was lead to believe, but he wasn't at the house at all! In fact, there wasn't a single track in the snow, indicating that he hadn't been there since the day before.
Why was he supposed to be cleaning the house? Because someone wanted to look at it to possibly buy it! Ok, so he didn't clean. I will not use this forum to detail exactly how he managed to embarrass me with the hideous state of the house. Regardless, he is in a sad state.
What's really sad about all this is that he just doesn't get how it all affects the kids. Don't change to prove to me that you are what you claim. I gave up on that expectation long ago. Do it for the kids. Do it for the daughter who still idolizes you. Do it for the son who is trying to figure out what the man of the house is supposed to be. But, no. He's so far in his recovery, he's fine. He is the one who is doing well and everyone else has to catch up with him.
One conclusion I have reached is that he will not necessarily change because he is dry (not that I have any proof of that). Faking it til you make it does not necessarily lead to change. He faked a lot the last several years, in fact, much of our marriage. He never changed, though, to prove the faked statements. Lying has become such a way of life for him - the half truths and manipulations - that (assuming he is not evil-incarnate) he no longer knows where the line is.
Too bad for him! I am now off to study the state of Indiana with our son. He has a project due this week and he can't wait to get online and find the info. I sure with every day were like this! Proactive towards homework...every parent's dream:)
He asks why I am "bitter and critical". This projection clouds the fact that it was just an observation. It's just a fact - I pulled up to the house to find that not only was he not at the house cleaning as I was lead to believe, but he wasn't at the house at all! In fact, there wasn't a single track in the snow, indicating that he hadn't been there since the day before.
Why was he supposed to be cleaning the house? Because someone wanted to look at it to possibly buy it! Ok, so he didn't clean. I will not use this forum to detail exactly how he managed to embarrass me with the hideous state of the house. Regardless, he is in a sad state.
What's really sad about all this is that he just doesn't get how it all affects the kids. Don't change to prove to me that you are what you claim. I gave up on that expectation long ago. Do it for the kids. Do it for the daughter who still idolizes you. Do it for the son who is trying to figure out what the man of the house is supposed to be. But, no. He's so far in his recovery, he's fine. He is the one who is doing well and everyone else has to catch up with him.
One conclusion I have reached is that he will not necessarily change because he is dry (not that I have any proof of that). Faking it til you make it does not necessarily lead to change. He faked a lot the last several years, in fact, much of our marriage. He never changed, though, to prove the faked statements. Lying has become such a way of life for him - the half truths and manipulations - that (assuming he is not evil-incarnate) he no longer knows where the line is.
Too bad for him! I am now off to study the state of Indiana with our son. He has a project due this week and he can't wait to get online and find the info. I sure with every day were like this! Proactive towards homework...every parent's dream:)
Friday, January 7, 2011
It's the Little Things...
Have you heard about the new little gadget they have for cars these days? Yes, it's called a gas gauge. Really. It's an amazing little thing...it keeps track of how much gas you have in your tank so you don't have to track the mileage yourself.
I know, I know...it's been around for quite some time. However, mine (actually, the fuel sensor in the tank) went kaputs a little over a year ago and I have been driving around, watching my trip odometer every day and figuring my miles per gallon at every fill up. Finally, it is to be no more!
Yes, it is a "little thing," to be sure, but I had forgotten how peaceful it is NOT to have to track the mileage; how peaceful it is NOT to worry if something has happened to the gas tank (or the gas itself being syphoned!) and wondering if there really was any gas in the tank to begin with. It's a little thing, but a huge accomplishment. It is one less worry I have on my plate and I can focus just a little more energy on the people who count in this world.
I am grateful for having the ability both to track my mileage manually and to budget my money so that I could save up to get such a long-overdue repair done. Not everyone has those two abilities and I am ever so grateful that I do.
I know, I know...it's been around for quite some time. However, mine (actually, the fuel sensor in the tank) went kaputs a little over a year ago and I have been driving around, watching my trip odometer every day and figuring my miles per gallon at every fill up. Finally, it is to be no more!
Yes, it is a "little thing," to be sure, but I had forgotten how peaceful it is NOT to have to track the mileage; how peaceful it is NOT to worry if something has happened to the gas tank (or the gas itself being syphoned!) and wondering if there really was any gas in the tank to begin with. It's a little thing, but a huge accomplishment. It is one less worry I have on my plate and I can focus just a little more energy on the people who count in this world.
I am grateful for having the ability both to track my mileage manually and to budget my money so that I could save up to get such a long-overdue repair done. Not everyone has those two abilities and I am ever so grateful that I do.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Ringing in the New, 2011
This morning shines a new light through my window.
Thoughts of the opportunities of the new year flood in with it.
A smile crosses my face as our 7-yr-old son announces that he fell asleep 8 minutes before the ball dropped.
Our 9-yr-old daughter is sleeping the morning away. She had asked to go home last night because she was so tired.
Today is the day to look at the calendar and prepare this month's activities and begin planning.
While I live today, I still plan some things. One cannot disengage from life and just let it happen.
I am choosing to engage in my and the kids' lives and to make the best out of the opportunities that each day brings.
I am choosing to live life as fully as I can while not overwhelming myself with too much on my plate.
While I know that the year will not be without bumps in the road, I am confident that my recovery and my life will be further advanced in this New Year.
I am confident that the children will continue in their recovery, too, though they know not yet what that is.
I am looking forward to what this New Year will bring!
Thoughts of the opportunities of the new year flood in with it.
A smile crosses my face as our 7-yr-old son announces that he fell asleep 8 minutes before the ball dropped.
Our 9-yr-old daughter is sleeping the morning away. She had asked to go home last night because she was so tired.
Today is the day to look at the calendar and prepare this month's activities and begin planning.
While I live today, I still plan some things. One cannot disengage from life and just let it happen.
I am choosing to engage in my and the kids' lives and to make the best out of the opportunities that each day brings.
I am choosing to live life as fully as I can while not overwhelming myself with too much on my plate.
While I know that the year will not be without bumps in the road, I am confident that my recovery and my life will be further advanced in this New Year.
I am confident that the children will continue in their recovery, too, though they know not yet what that is.
I am looking forward to what this New Year will bring!
Ending the Old, 2010
Yesterday marked another big step in the divorce. I spent a huge part of the day at the house (with many family and friends helping) boxing, trashing, donating stuff in order to declutter and begin the emptying process. I still have to make a couple of trips up to donate stuff out of the boxes - it's pretty difficult to be in multiple rooms at a time telling people what you really want to keep or not.
It was a good, successful day yet it still brought to mind so many thoughts that will probably never be addressed honestly. Yes, I know that I am venting, but I have to vent somewhere. While I wasted energy being mad yesterday, I am in a good place today and this is my way of keeping it all in perspective. I know that I am "letting him know what bothers me" (as one good friend put it), but I don't care that he reads it...let him use it as ammo if he wants. This is MY recovery, not his, and I will survive and thrive.
Stop expecting me to believe that you are sober when your actions and words, and the evidence do not match the image you are trying to portray. It all goes back to making the image and the actions match. Remember, you did the same thing when you were lying about "fixing the marriage" - words were that you wanted to fix the marriage; evidence showed that you were still heavy into the relationship. Heck you even pretended to want to watch the kids, but all the while you were with your feel good (yes, Mr. President, IM's count as "being with") and only present in body with the kids.
Stop housing her dog in a house that is co-owned with your not-yet-ex. You continue to claim that you hate the dog, don't like it and don't want to take care of it. Yet, you continue to allow it to happen. And, when you do keep it at the house, it ends up pooping and peeing because y'all don't let it out. Are you too cowardly to be a man and tell her you don't want it there just like you were too cowardly to own your affairs (I no longer believe that she was the only affair you had) and end our marriage? Or, maybe she has healthy people in her life who are refusing to enable her. If so, way to go all of you!
YOU are making my life hell. You claimed Friday in an email that I am the one making your life difficult, couldn't I just stop putting my emotions into the mix. Are you kidding me?! YOU are the one who paid $0 in child support until the court garnished it; YOU haven't made even one repair to the house to prepare it for sale and YOU have lived there with "nothing to do" (as you have put it at times) for nearly 7 months. YOU continue to lie. YOU continue to push a female and her dog (both of whom YOU claim to me that you want nothing to do with - "I will never buy anything with her" and "no wedding") in both my and the kids' lives. YOU refuse to see the emotional damage YOU are doing to the kids by having her in their lives - THAT is hell to live with! YOU have no idea what Hell is until you see your children going through it. And, no...a homework contract is nothing in comparison.
YOU are dragging out the divorce process. You made your choice...her and any other sex partners you may have waiting in the wings. You knew what the boundary was and you walked all over it as if it didn't matter. Obviously it didn't matter to you. Yet, when I ask why you are dragging all this out, your response is, "Because I don't want the divorce."
What you don't realize is that even though you pushed a few buttons yesterday when I was at the house, I recovered very fast and continue to do so. I am a work in progress and am looking back on 2010 with a lot of gratitude for how far I have come in my recovery. Yesterday also reminded me how much I am loved and supported even though you couldn't find it in your heart to really love me as you promised to do over 19 years ago. My fellow recovering co-dependents keep telling me that the alcoholism has nothing to do with love...that you really "do" love me or you have loved me the best you could. However, the choice to have the affair and to continue to lie about it all is a question of love and that trumps the alcoholism card.
No regrets in closing 2010, but it would have been nice if the divorce were final. It would have been great to start 2011 truly fresh and new, but I know that He has a reason for this path. I do not know or understand it, but I am looking forward to following it and finding what the New Year holds.
It was a good, successful day yet it still brought to mind so many thoughts that will probably never be addressed honestly. Yes, I know that I am venting, but I have to vent somewhere. While I wasted energy being mad yesterday, I am in a good place today and this is my way of keeping it all in perspective. I know that I am "letting him know what bothers me" (as one good friend put it), but I don't care that he reads it...let him use it as ammo if he wants. This is MY recovery, not his, and I will survive and thrive.
Stop expecting me to believe that you are sober when your actions and words, and the evidence do not match the image you are trying to portray. It all goes back to making the image and the actions match. Remember, you did the same thing when you were lying about "fixing the marriage" - words were that you wanted to fix the marriage; evidence showed that you were still heavy into the relationship. Heck you even pretended to want to watch the kids, but all the while you were with your feel good (yes, Mr. President, IM's count as "being with") and only present in body with the kids.
Stop housing her dog in a house that is co-owned with your not-yet-ex. You continue to claim that you hate the dog, don't like it and don't want to take care of it. Yet, you continue to allow it to happen. And, when you do keep it at the house, it ends up pooping and peeing because y'all don't let it out. Are you too cowardly to be a man and tell her you don't want it there just like you were too cowardly to own your affairs (I no longer believe that she was the only affair you had) and end our marriage? Or, maybe she has healthy people in her life who are refusing to enable her. If so, way to go all of you!
YOU are making my life hell. You claimed Friday in an email that I am the one making your life difficult, couldn't I just stop putting my emotions into the mix. Are you kidding me?! YOU are the one who paid $0 in child support until the court garnished it; YOU haven't made even one repair to the house to prepare it for sale and YOU have lived there with "nothing to do" (as you have put it at times) for nearly 7 months. YOU continue to lie. YOU continue to push a female and her dog (both of whom YOU claim to me that you want nothing to do with - "I will never buy anything with her" and "no wedding") in both my and the kids' lives. YOU refuse to see the emotional damage YOU are doing to the kids by having her in their lives - THAT is hell to live with! YOU have no idea what Hell is until you see your children going through it. And, no...a homework contract is nothing in comparison.
YOU are dragging out the divorce process. You made your choice...her and any other sex partners you may have waiting in the wings. You knew what the boundary was and you walked all over it as if it didn't matter. Obviously it didn't matter to you. Yet, when I ask why you are dragging all this out, your response is, "Because I don't want the divorce."
What you don't realize is that even though you pushed a few buttons yesterday when I was at the house, I recovered very fast and continue to do so. I am a work in progress and am looking back on 2010 with a lot of gratitude for how far I have come in my recovery. Yesterday also reminded me how much I am loved and supported even though you couldn't find it in your heart to really love me as you promised to do over 19 years ago. My fellow recovering co-dependents keep telling me that the alcoholism has nothing to do with love...that you really "do" love me or you have loved me the best you could. However, the choice to have the affair and to continue to lie about it all is a question of love and that trumps the alcoholism card.
No regrets in closing 2010, but it would have been nice if the divorce were final. It would have been great to start 2011 truly fresh and new, but I know that He has a reason for this path. I do not know or understand it, but I am looking forward to following it and finding what the New Year holds.
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