It's the morn' after Christmas and all through the house,
activity's occurring, for human and mouse.
My dad is still sleeping in his warm recliner;
The kids in the basement, they play, no whiner.
Mom is preparing for church on this day
While I, on computer, record, type away.
The day was a blast as I laughed 'til it hurt.
Oh the discussions, the phrases they'd blurt.
From Edward to chickens to long hair, short legs...
At least this day there were no long-time lost eggs.
For those who are wond'ring, "What's all this about?"
Just know that this story is real' full of clout.
Yes, this is how we celebrate all the year
With aunts, uncles, cousins - we laugh til we tear.
Survive this, we did, both the kids and oh me.
I'm sad, though, because this is all due to he
Who spent years betraying and lying full tilt
To make me the one he would blame for this filth.
"Protect" me he claimed as he lied, screwed and drank
because face his demons, hell no, he would tank!
I know now the damage his choices did sow
however, for me, there is no longer whoa.
The new year is coming and fast on its heels
are doors op'ning wide to reveal many deals.
New jobs, new adventures, and much growth galore.
Proceed on this journey, we open each door.
A smile, a welcome, a bright shiny heart
is waiting for us with each step that we start.
Bumpless it won't, but steady it may
I thank You, dear Lord, for this new living day!
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Friday, December 24, 2010
Christmas, Rounds 2 & 3
This past Sunday was my grandma's Christmas. My uncle came into town from Maryland like he does every year. As always, it was a good time. I was surprised, however, that no one really conversed with me like they usually do. I guess it was because no one knew what to talk about and didn't really want to talk about the divorce. It seems like that is the topic du jour around me. Many want to know when it will be final, but the process has hardly begun.
So, the Pinnochle cards came out as is the annual tradition and we ate. Both good things. Grandma did ask what my ex-to-be is getting me for Christmas and, in my best "5 golden rings" voice, I sang, "a lower credit score." She laughed, which many people are not doing these days when the topic comes up.
Round 2 - no major changes. Looking forward to next year's gathering.
Round 3 occurs today. Christmas Eve! In year's past, we celebrated with my husband's family. The kids will do just that again this year. I, however, am eager to start my own new tradition, but am being hampered by family who are worried about me. They do not want me spending Christmas Eve alone. What they don't seem to understand is that I am not alone. The good Lord and my guardian angels are with me all the time. (Yes, I believe I have more than one.) The love of my family is with me always. I carry each and every one of them in my heart on a daily basis. And I have a great friend who hosts a Christmas Eve brunch every year. Keep me on the invites list, please!
However, I know this is not an easy journey for them, either, so I am doing as they ask. I will start my own traditions next year.
For now, the kids and I are beginning our new tradition of my giving them 3 gifts of the Magi...Thanks a million K for the idea!
1. Something that inspires.
2. Something to treasure.
3. Something to comfort (warmth, security, the comfort need of the moment).
I am very excited to begin this new tradition. Each of these gifts holds a special meaning for each of them (I think!) and we will exchange them this morning before they leave for his family's celebration. We already bought our Christmas pyjamas, also a new tradition. Each of us picked out what we wanted and we'll wear them tonight as we slumber and await Santa's arrival. Hopefully, everyone will be slumbering!
So, as Round 3 awakens and begins its day, I wish each and every one of you, even the demon, a very Merry Christmas and Joyous New Year. Everyone deserves to have the joy of the season in their hearts.
So, the Pinnochle cards came out as is the annual tradition and we ate. Both good things. Grandma did ask what my ex-to-be is getting me for Christmas and, in my best "5 golden rings" voice, I sang, "a lower credit score." She laughed, which many people are not doing these days when the topic comes up.
Round 2 - no major changes. Looking forward to next year's gathering.
Round 3 occurs today. Christmas Eve! In year's past, we celebrated with my husband's family. The kids will do just that again this year. I, however, am eager to start my own new tradition, but am being hampered by family who are worried about me. They do not want me spending Christmas Eve alone. What they don't seem to understand is that I am not alone. The good Lord and my guardian angels are with me all the time. (Yes, I believe I have more than one.) The love of my family is with me always. I carry each and every one of them in my heart on a daily basis. And I have a great friend who hosts a Christmas Eve brunch every year. Keep me on the invites list, please!
However, I know this is not an easy journey for them, either, so I am doing as they ask. I will start my own traditions next year.
For now, the kids and I are beginning our new tradition of my giving them 3 gifts of the Magi...Thanks a million K for the idea!
1. Something that inspires.
2. Something to treasure.
3. Something to comfort (warmth, security, the comfort need of the moment).
I am very excited to begin this new tradition. Each of these gifts holds a special meaning for each of them (I think!) and we will exchange them this morning before they leave for his family's celebration. We already bought our Christmas pyjamas, also a new tradition. Each of us picked out what we wanted and we'll wear them tonight as we slumber and await Santa's arrival. Hopefully, everyone will be slumbering!
So, as Round 3 awakens and begins its day, I wish each and every one of you, even the demon, a very Merry Christmas and Joyous New Year. Everyone deserves to have the joy of the season in their hearts.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
I'm Sorry...it's worthless without meaningful change
Such a simple phrase, but so difficult to use when you have deeply hurt someone. Even more difficult when you truly believe you did nothing wrong, that you were trying to "protect" the other person.
What does "I'm sorry" mean, though? Very little or even nothing if the behaviors are not changed. When one asks for forgiveness or apologizes (and REALLY means it), they change their actions so they do not repeat the hurt that warranted the apology in the first place.
Yesterday, I received a letter (and today it was read at mass) from my church. One of the pastors had "an inappropriate relationship" with an adult female and it was mutual. He is on a leave of absence, effective immediately. No other details were given, but the entire scenario, along with the apology that was read in mass this morning, caused an ambush of emotions that I have been fighting off in this season of giving.
First of all, let me say that I am one of many, many Catholics who believe that priests should be allowed to marry. I do not know the details of the "inappropriateness," but if it were just between the two of them, no harm no foul, given the apology that was presented. However, it did bring to mind the question of whether or not it was adulterous in nature...and that's when the ambush started.
My betrayer contends to this day that he was not honest with me because he wanted to "protect" me. However, that argument flew out the door once I found out in September, 2007, that he was, in fact, pursuing his conquest (at least that's what I believed at the time). Any lying, betraying, smoke & mirrors after that were all purposeful and ONLY to cover his own ass. Whether he realizes it or not, whether he "meant" it or not, it was all a choice to hurt me. How could he even think that I wouldn't find out? If I found out once, you better believe I'd find out again! And I did, numerous times.
Based on what I know, he wanted to live the image of a happy family, wife, 2 kids, nice house, etc., but wanted (needed, whatever verb he wants to use) to have his toy, his image booster, on the side. He still offers the option that the kids and I move back "home" while the divorce is in progress. Are you kidding?!!
Regardless of his reason for having the long-term affair (and continuing the relationship after I left), he has not truly accepted or acknowledged the pain, the hurt, the deep betrayal he forged upon my heart and soul. He and his family wonder why I don't trust him with anything. I do not trust his words. They are all, at best, half-truths. More likely, they are the image he wants me and others to believe. At worst,...I can't even imagine the worst.
I never imagined that he would drag me along and torture me if he did decide he wanted someone else, but he did. He never was man enough to tell me that he needs others sexually more than he needs a committed, loving, caring partner in life.
I never imagined he would drive drunk with one of our children, but he did on March 14, 2010. He now swears that he wasn't drinking and that it was his glucose out of whack. He still isn't man enough to go face-to-face with the choices he made there, either.
I never imagined he would drive impaired again with the kids in the car, but he did on July 29 and August 1, 2010. He swears that he wasn't "impaired." How could he be? No police officer thought he was so he mustn't have been. Again, he isn't man enough to admit that something was wrong with him and make amends.
"I'm sorry" means nothing without the changes in behavior. In the church, it's called "seeking forgiveness." In AA and other 12-step programs, it's called "making amends." Whatever you call it, it is about being truly sorrowful that you hurt someone else and making the changes so you do not do it again. You do it for yourself as much as for those you hurt.
Yes, we are human and we make mistakes. However, the willful choice to hurt others in order to satisfy your own lustful needs and desires is wrong. At least have the balls to admit that you weren't willing to be faithful to the one to whom you devoted yourself in front of God and the world. Bow out gracefully, don't take your "soulmate" through torture that no one should ever have to endure. Be honest about your physical and emotional needs that are not being met and that you are not willing to put aside your demon while you work on growing closer to your "soulmate." And, yes, it takes a LOT of time, stupid! You couldn't fix in a weekend what you had been destroying for years!
All I wanted was for him to be honest and truthful. Yes, if that meant that he didn't want me and ONLY me, then I wanted him (and I asked several times over the years) to be honest and let me go. If you've ever watched the Love Dare movie, they give the analogy of how God glues two souls together. To demonstrate it, they glued salt and pepper shakers together with super glue. If you tear the two apart, at least one, if not both, are broken, ripped apart. They do not separate free of damage to either one.
That is exactly what happened to me. I entered my marriage with the idea that I would be in it forever, no matter what. I was willing to dance with joy or weather the difficulties. That's what I was doing when I stayed after September, 2007. I figured I was weathering the storm. However, what I got was ripped apart.
My heart and soul felt like they had been shredded by shrapnel in a war. Then, after having been through the shredder, they were stomped on in the ashes of the devastation that consumed me. Finally, there was an open gaping wound where they had been torn out and returned, but the wound was never sewn shut. It is still open (thus, the emotional ambushes), but it is slowly, ever so slowly healing with lots of prayer, meditation, contemplation and more prayer. The support of those around me are helping, too.
It would do no good for him to say "I'm sorry" because no changes are there. He is still blaming, projecting, minimizing and doing his utmost to try and make me feel like I am the insane one; that I am "making up" his conditions. Maybe one day he will reach the point where he is able to face what he has done; to accept it; to make amends for it. Some in the recovery field say not to expect it, though, because some people never reach that point. Some people go on forever unable and/or unwilling to take responsibility for and to make amends for their wrongdoings.
I guess I'll just have to live with that, or not. I can choose to live without the amends and go on with my life as if he no longer matters in my life. I hate to do it, but if he were some stranger who had hurt me, I would not have to befriend him in that case. Our paths would cross only when other circumstances occurred.
Today, I choose not to trust - he has done nothing to earn it back. Today, I choose not to be a friend - it hurts too much. Today, I choose not to invite the chaos into my life - it's not worth the pain and suffering. Today, I choose to leave the door unlocked in case he changes his mind and his ways.
What does "I'm sorry" mean, though? Very little or even nothing if the behaviors are not changed. When one asks for forgiveness or apologizes (and REALLY means it), they change their actions so they do not repeat the hurt that warranted the apology in the first place.
Yesterday, I received a letter (and today it was read at mass) from my church. One of the pastors had "an inappropriate relationship" with an adult female and it was mutual. He is on a leave of absence, effective immediately. No other details were given, but the entire scenario, along with the apology that was read in mass this morning, caused an ambush of emotions that I have been fighting off in this season of giving.
First of all, let me say that I am one of many, many Catholics who believe that priests should be allowed to marry. I do not know the details of the "inappropriateness," but if it were just between the two of them, no harm no foul, given the apology that was presented. However, it did bring to mind the question of whether or not it was adulterous in nature...and that's when the ambush started.
My betrayer contends to this day that he was not honest with me because he wanted to "protect" me. However, that argument flew out the door once I found out in September, 2007, that he was, in fact, pursuing his conquest (at least that's what I believed at the time). Any lying, betraying, smoke & mirrors after that were all purposeful and ONLY to cover his own ass. Whether he realizes it or not, whether he "meant" it or not, it was all a choice to hurt me. How could he even think that I wouldn't find out? If I found out once, you better believe I'd find out again! And I did, numerous times.
Based on what I know, he wanted to live the image of a happy family, wife, 2 kids, nice house, etc., but wanted (needed, whatever verb he wants to use) to have his toy, his image booster, on the side. He still offers the option that the kids and I move back "home" while the divorce is in progress. Are you kidding?!!
Regardless of his reason for having the long-term affair (and continuing the relationship after I left), he has not truly accepted or acknowledged the pain, the hurt, the deep betrayal he forged upon my heart and soul. He and his family wonder why I don't trust him with anything. I do not trust his words. They are all, at best, half-truths. More likely, they are the image he wants me and others to believe. At worst,...I can't even imagine the worst.
I never imagined that he would drag me along and torture me if he did decide he wanted someone else, but he did. He never was man enough to tell me that he needs others sexually more than he needs a committed, loving, caring partner in life.
I never imagined he would drive drunk with one of our children, but he did on March 14, 2010. He now swears that he wasn't drinking and that it was his glucose out of whack. He still isn't man enough to go face-to-face with the choices he made there, either.
I never imagined he would drive impaired again with the kids in the car, but he did on July 29 and August 1, 2010. He swears that he wasn't "impaired." How could he be? No police officer thought he was so he mustn't have been. Again, he isn't man enough to admit that something was wrong with him and make amends.
"I'm sorry" means nothing without the changes in behavior. In the church, it's called "seeking forgiveness." In AA and other 12-step programs, it's called "making amends." Whatever you call it, it is about being truly sorrowful that you hurt someone else and making the changes so you do not do it again. You do it for yourself as much as for those you hurt.
Yes, we are human and we make mistakes. However, the willful choice to hurt others in order to satisfy your own lustful needs and desires is wrong. At least have the balls to admit that you weren't willing to be faithful to the one to whom you devoted yourself in front of God and the world. Bow out gracefully, don't take your "soulmate" through torture that no one should ever have to endure. Be honest about your physical and emotional needs that are not being met and that you are not willing to put aside your demon while you work on growing closer to your "soulmate." And, yes, it takes a LOT of time, stupid! You couldn't fix in a weekend what you had been destroying for years!
All I wanted was for him to be honest and truthful. Yes, if that meant that he didn't want me and ONLY me, then I wanted him (and I asked several times over the years) to be honest and let me go. If you've ever watched the Love Dare movie, they give the analogy of how God glues two souls together. To demonstrate it, they glued salt and pepper shakers together with super glue. If you tear the two apart, at least one, if not both, are broken, ripped apart. They do not separate free of damage to either one.
That is exactly what happened to me. I entered my marriage with the idea that I would be in it forever, no matter what. I was willing to dance with joy or weather the difficulties. That's what I was doing when I stayed after September, 2007. I figured I was weathering the storm. However, what I got was ripped apart.
My heart and soul felt like they had been shredded by shrapnel in a war. Then, after having been through the shredder, they were stomped on in the ashes of the devastation that consumed me. Finally, there was an open gaping wound where they had been torn out and returned, but the wound was never sewn shut. It is still open (thus, the emotional ambushes), but it is slowly, ever so slowly healing with lots of prayer, meditation, contemplation and more prayer. The support of those around me are helping, too.
It would do no good for him to say "I'm sorry" because no changes are there. He is still blaming, projecting, minimizing and doing his utmost to try and make me feel like I am the insane one; that I am "making up" his conditions. Maybe one day he will reach the point where he is able to face what he has done; to accept it; to make amends for it. Some in the recovery field say not to expect it, though, because some people never reach that point. Some people go on forever unable and/or unwilling to take responsibility for and to make amends for their wrongdoings.
I guess I'll just have to live with that, or not. I can choose to live without the amends and go on with my life as if he no longer matters in my life. I hate to do it, but if he were some stranger who had hurt me, I would not have to befriend him in that case. Our paths would cross only when other circumstances occurred.
Today, I choose not to trust - he has done nothing to earn it back. Today, I choose not to be a friend - it hurts too much. Today, I choose not to invite the chaos into my life - it's not worth the pain and suffering. Today, I choose to leave the door unlocked in case he changes his mind and his ways.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
The Season to Celebrate
It's hard to believe that Advent is nearing an end and Christmas is just around the corner. We are preparing to celebrate round 2, my Grandma's Christmas, this weekend. Last weekend was difficult because I had to say my final good-byes to "what was" part of my Christmases past. It was a difficult few days, but I did it and am continuing on my way through my recovery and healing.
I realized through my grieving process this week that I have much to prepare to celebrate in addition to what I can celebrate now:
I have two beautiful kids who are very caring, loving and precious.
I have a job. It's part-time, but it is a foundation nonetheless.
I have a full-time job prospect for next school year.
I begin my Master's program in January.
I am 12 semester hours away from being a "real" teacher again!
I am pursuing a 2nd endorsement on my teaching license.
Eventually the big-time grieving will be over. The bad thing about a divorce is that the death keeps recurring. It's not just a matter of someone dying and you experience your "first" whatever without them. In the case of a divorce, especially one with such betrayal and infidelity, every day can bring on a new death, the death of another component of the relationship. Another death of what was or what could have been. Having the person in your life is like having the dead person come back over and over again, only to throw in your face a big "Ha!" It's all in how you deal with it that makes or breaks your days, weeks, months and years.
I am approaching year one of finding out that he never really ended the affair in the first place, back in 2007. It is also the first anniversary of beginning to unravel the depth to which he lied to and betrayed me. For starters, they were involved with each other much longer than he led me to believe. Then, just the other day he said the lies were to "protect" me. That might have held water up to the point where I found out about the affair back in 2007. After that, it's CYA, nothing more and nothing less. It is cowardly behavior, afraid to take responsbility for one's own choices and not being man enough to tell me the truth and to let me go at the first realization that having zero contact with her was not an option for him.
For today, though, I am celebrating all that I have and the small steps I am taking in accomplishing today. I am celebrating the positive in my life and letting go of the rest. Having made the conscience decision the other day to let go and let God has brought that wave of contentment and peace back into my heart and soul. Now, THAT is something to celebrate!
I realized through my grieving process this week that I have much to prepare to celebrate in addition to what I can celebrate now:
I have two beautiful kids who are very caring, loving and precious.
I have a job. It's part-time, but it is a foundation nonetheless.
I have a full-time job prospect for next school year.
I begin my Master's program in January.
I am 12 semester hours away from being a "real" teacher again!
I am pursuing a 2nd endorsement on my teaching license.
Eventually the big-time grieving will be over. The bad thing about a divorce is that the death keeps recurring. It's not just a matter of someone dying and you experience your "first" whatever without them. In the case of a divorce, especially one with such betrayal and infidelity, every day can bring on a new death, the death of another component of the relationship. Another death of what was or what could have been. Having the person in your life is like having the dead person come back over and over again, only to throw in your face a big "Ha!" It's all in how you deal with it that makes or breaks your days, weeks, months and years.
I am approaching year one of finding out that he never really ended the affair in the first place, back in 2007. It is also the first anniversary of beginning to unravel the depth to which he lied to and betrayed me. For starters, they were involved with each other much longer than he led me to believe. Then, just the other day he said the lies were to "protect" me. That might have held water up to the point where I found out about the affair back in 2007. After that, it's CYA, nothing more and nothing less. It is cowardly behavior, afraid to take responsbility for one's own choices and not being man enough to tell me the truth and to let me go at the first realization that having zero contact with her was not an option for him.
For today, though, I am celebrating all that I have and the small steps I am taking in accomplishing today. I am celebrating the positive in my life and letting go of the rest. Having made the conscience decision the other day to let go and let God has brought that wave of contentment and peace back into my heart and soul. Now, THAT is something to celebrate!
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Christmas 2010, round 1
Today is the day for the big family Christmas celebration on my children's father's side. It is a huge celebration with my father-in-law's family - his sisters, their kids and their kids. When everyone shows up, the crowd can easily number 100+.
We used to alternate hosting this fun event with one of my cousins-"in-law" and his family because our houses were the only ones that could accomodate everyone. While it was some work to get ready for it, it really was no problem. I actually enjoyed it. The aunts always helped clean up afterwards so there was never much to do to "recover." I know I always had a good time!
Some of my fondest (okay, funniest and most laughable) memories include:
*the year S brought the "winning" lottery ticket
*the year S (wth the help of H, P and me) received the candles without wicks as her exchange gift
*the year I bought the Sopranos game and wrapped it like a tuxedo. REALLY, I bought it for $5!
*the year M had a tissue stuck up his nose and I took a picture of it
*there are many others, but these are the ones that come to mind immediately
Yes, I appreciate the good times had with his family. They felt like famly to me, treated me like family. I feel kind of bad about not sending out pictures of the kids this year, but I never went and had them done in the first place.
Looking back, I marvel at how I was able to pull off a 40th birthday celebration and no fewer than 2 family Christmas parties, all hosted at my house, and no one was the wiser. No one knew that he had a 20-something girlfriend he was banging on the side. No one knew what I was going through and the emotional torture I was feeling at those moments. And that's the way I wanted it, just in case he chose to reconcile. But he didn't and we are where we are.
Have a great time at the party! Afterall, hat's why you are getting together, right?
May you all have a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! God bless.
We used to alternate hosting this fun event with one of my cousins-"in-law" and his family because our houses were the only ones that could accomodate everyone. While it was some work to get ready for it, it really was no problem. I actually enjoyed it. The aunts always helped clean up afterwards so there was never much to do to "recover." I know I always had a good time!
Some of my fondest (okay, funniest and most laughable) memories include:
*the year S brought the "winning" lottery ticket
*the year S (wth the help of H, P and me) received the candles without wicks as her exchange gift
*the year I bought the Sopranos game and wrapped it like a tuxedo. REALLY, I bought it for $5!
*the year M had a tissue stuck up his nose and I took a picture of it
*there are many others, but these are the ones that come to mind immediately
Yes, I appreciate the good times had with his family. They felt like famly to me, treated me like family. I feel kind of bad about not sending out pictures of the kids this year, but I never went and had them done in the first place.
Looking back, I marvel at how I was able to pull off a 40th birthday celebration and no fewer than 2 family Christmas parties, all hosted at my house, and no one was the wiser. No one knew that he had a 20-something girlfriend he was banging on the side. No one knew what I was going through and the emotional torture I was feeling at those moments. And that's the way I wanted it, just in case he chose to reconcile. But he didn't and we are where we are.
Have a great time at the party! Afterall, hat's why you are getting together, right?
May you all have a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! God bless.
Friday, December 10, 2010
Overcoming the Tempest
It is amazing to me how tumultuous this journey has become yet the good Lord helps me to stay fairly calm through much of what happens. Here are some thoughts for those of you in a similar situation. These thoughts have helped me to stay focused and not to get wrapped up in the chaos of the tempest for long periods at a time. I pray that you, too, find that the pull of the desire to engage in the tempest will diminish little by little and that you will find ways of pulling away from the chaos.
1. My tempest: "If you would just listen to me...." - Me: I remember that my tempest's actions are speaking far more loudly than his words. When one's words contain mostly lies and half-truths, at best, his actions show his true intentions.
2. My tempest: "You are a f-ing idiot." - Me: Again, this is one of the actions that is speaking much more loudly than his words of cooperation and team-building. This indicates that he is still in denial and has not, nor is he ready, to accept responsibility for what he has done in the past. It also indicates that he is not making true sustainable changes for the present and future. He is still in "image mode," - making people believe what they see even though he is doing elsewise when no one is looking. The image he wants others to believe is far removed from his internal thoughts and behind the scenes actions. It's what you do when no one is looking that really matters.
3. My tempest: "You are just trying to make my life difficult." - Me: If making his life difficult is what keeps the kids as safe as possible for the moment, then yes, that is what I am doing. I am not concerned with how easy or difficult his life is right now. I am concerned with the fact that the children have been put in danger by his choices and actions. Unfortunately, he has been able to avoid any repercussions for his actions because #1 & especially #2 are in effect.
4. Our 7-yr-old son: "Mommy, I want to marry [my cousin] and she said no. She has broken my heart."
Me: I explain that brothers/sisters and cousins do not marry, but they can be the best of friends.
Our 7-yr-old: "Maybe I can have a wife and have [my cousin] as my girlfriend. If I tell my wife about it ahead of time, maybe she won't be mad at me."
Me: thoughts in head, "Way to go Ex-Lax! What a role model you are being for our son!"
5. My tempest: says anything that puts me down, is degrading, makes me question my sanity. Me: refer to #1 & #2.
6. Me: Pray. I pray a lot, and not just for the kids and me. Not just for my family who are being ever so gracious in providing us the shelter, the emotional and financial support so necessary at this time in our lives. They are giving everything, yet asking for nothing in return.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for surrounding us with so many caring individuals. Our family is so supportive in this time when they would rather be waging revenge on those who have put us here. Please continue to give them serenity, courage and strength as they continue on their journey through these changes.
I continue to pray, too, for my tempest, his demon and his other enablers. May they find the strength and courage to come to You for help. May they find the path to those who can support them in this chaotic time in their lives, too. They know not what they do, Father. Amen
1. My tempest: "If you would just listen to me...." - Me: I remember that my tempest's actions are speaking far more loudly than his words. When one's words contain mostly lies and half-truths, at best, his actions show his true intentions.
2. My tempest: "You are a f-ing idiot." - Me: Again, this is one of the actions that is speaking much more loudly than his words of cooperation and team-building. This indicates that he is still in denial and has not, nor is he ready, to accept responsibility for what he has done in the past. It also indicates that he is not making true sustainable changes for the present and future. He is still in "image mode," - making people believe what they see even though he is doing elsewise when no one is looking. The image he wants others to believe is far removed from his internal thoughts and behind the scenes actions. It's what you do when no one is looking that really matters.
3. My tempest: "You are just trying to make my life difficult." - Me: If making his life difficult is what keeps the kids as safe as possible for the moment, then yes, that is what I am doing. I am not concerned with how easy or difficult his life is right now. I am concerned with the fact that the children have been put in danger by his choices and actions. Unfortunately, he has been able to avoid any repercussions for his actions because #1 & especially #2 are in effect.
4. Our 7-yr-old son: "Mommy, I want to marry [my cousin] and she said no. She has broken my heart."
Me: I explain that brothers/sisters and cousins do not marry, but they can be the best of friends.
Our 7-yr-old: "Maybe I can have a wife and have [my cousin] as my girlfriend. If I tell my wife about it ahead of time, maybe she won't be mad at me."
Me: thoughts in head, "Way to go Ex-Lax! What a role model you are being for our son!"
5. My tempest: says anything that puts me down, is degrading, makes me question my sanity. Me: refer to #1 & #2.
6. Me: Pray. I pray a lot, and not just for the kids and me. Not just for my family who are being ever so gracious in providing us the shelter, the emotional and financial support so necessary at this time in our lives. They are giving everything, yet asking for nothing in return.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for surrounding us with so many caring individuals. Our family is so supportive in this time when they would rather be waging revenge on those who have put us here. Please continue to give them serenity, courage and strength as they continue on their journey through these changes.
I continue to pray, too, for my tempest, his demon and his other enablers. May they find the strength and courage to come to You for help. May they find the path to those who can support them in this chaotic time in their lives, too. They know not what they do, Father. Amen
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Raw emotions...Sometimes, I wish he would just Go Away
There, I said it. Sometimes I wish he would just go away so life would be easier. It would be different if he would truly be a repentant, integrity-filled human being, but he's not. It would be different if I could get us away from him, but I can't. We will always be connected to him because they are his children, too. Two beautiful children whose lives were torn apart because he had to be selfish. He made choices to benefit himself. He chose not to be man enough to get rid of either one of us for the last 4 years. Thus, he tore his family apart, limb by limb.
He still makes choices to benefit himself. He is so narcissistic (as are his demon - we all have 'em! - and other enablers) that he may never come to understand and accept what he has done to those two beautiful children and to the one person "he said" was his soulmate and his "only" supporter all these years.
There was a time when I wanted nothing more than for him to be the best dad he could be. I was so hopeful that at least the kids would get to know an honest and trustworthy man, one who loved them for who they are, not for what he wanted them to be. I was hopeful that they would get a "real" father out of the deal. He never really wanted to spend time with the kids before we left - he was always absent or busy IM'ing while "watching TV with the kids." I have heard how so many parents become "real" parents during a separation or after a divorce. Well, that hasn't happened so far in our situation.
Now, I just want him to go away. Nearly every time we have added a visit, the kids go ballistic. Their emotions go all over the map. Tonight is no exception. He texts this afternoon, "I will be at...."; I tell the kids he will be at tonight's function; one of them does nothing short of inciting WW3 amongst us all at the house. We go to leave the function and the other melts down. Of course, his babies cry when they leave him! Duh!
He should have thought about that before choosing his demon over us. He should have thought about that when I bought the Love Dare for us last Christmas; or he could have thought about it while he was IM'ing word games with his demon - "pine" "for you" - just a day or two before I left for good. Either he didn't take me seriously or he didn't really care if I left. He probably didn't have the balls to end the marriage himself and he still can't admit it. He needed all of this to be someone else's "fault." He is too weak to take responsibility for his own actions and choices.
I want all this to go away and for us to be fast-forwarded to where we will land. I am so sick and tired of being in limbo. I had actually come to accept limbo for a time, but today has been the setting for my being pulled away from that acceptance and back into the torturous stir within the black cauldron.
I am tired of...having to take classes to renew my teaching license; having a part-time job that, even with his garnished wages, isn't enough for us to live on our own. I am tired of having to answer the kids' questions, directly enough to satisfy them, but without giving them too much information. I am tired of saying to the kids, "You'll have to ask your dad." I am tired of the kids' being sad and confused and mad and...! I am tired of his lying to the kids and trying to make them believe that his demon is/was not his girlfriend - too cowardly to be honest? I am tired of his making promises he doesn't keep to both the kids and to me. I am tired, too, because of his family who are enabling him so deeply that they, like his demon, are perpetuating his nasty cycle. He is still spiraling down, but no one wants to see it.
Yeah, I know, she "is keeping him alive." Well, news flash, his soul is dead. He still doesn't care that he has hurt me and the kids - he has NEVER EVEN apologized, not once ("you weren't supposed to find out" doesn't count)! He has no idea the damage he has done to us all. He has no idea how deep the knife has cut. Or, maybe he does and that's why he remains in denial. If he ever comes out, it may be too much for him to handle. That is, if he actually has a soul and realizes the depth and breadth of his betrayal to all three of us, to ALL of those who have tried to help him; to ALL of those who have TRULY loved him.
I have never been so devastated by anyone in my life. I never loved anyone so much. I never waited for someone to "come to his senses" like I waited for him. I never put so much faith into a relationship that never meant anything to the other person to begin with. Of course, I didn't realize that until he continued lying to me from January 17 to May 29. I never trusted anyone other than blood so much, either. And look what it got me.
I have worked so hard to see the positive or at least the neutral in most of what has come from his horrible, terrible choices. I never thought I would give up on him, but I am so tired and worn out. I have no more to give - no patience, no desire to have anything to do with him. I have no more to hope - that he will ever "come to his senses," that he will ever be the father I had always thought him capable of being. I have no more...the gas tank is on empty for today.
Unfortunately, I still care about him (stupid me) and I will revert back to that caring, wanting-to-forgive person. However, the forgiving is going to take a lot more time now after all he has done. I was so open to it just a few months ago, but he refused it. No, he accepted it and then went right back to his terrible, lying ways.
It hurts most to watch the kids hurt. It not only makes me hurt, but it floods in all the anger and hate (that always lingers just beneath the surface) because I know why they hurt. I know who caused that hurt. And, I am nowhere near being able to forgive those people for choosing to hurt. And, yes, they knew they were causing pain and suffering.
Maybe tomorrow will be better. That is what I must believe.
He still makes choices to benefit himself. He is so narcissistic (as are his demon - we all have 'em! - and other enablers) that he may never come to understand and accept what he has done to those two beautiful children and to the one person "he said" was his soulmate and his "only" supporter all these years.
There was a time when I wanted nothing more than for him to be the best dad he could be. I was so hopeful that at least the kids would get to know an honest and trustworthy man, one who loved them for who they are, not for what he wanted them to be. I was hopeful that they would get a "real" father out of the deal. He never really wanted to spend time with the kids before we left - he was always absent or busy IM'ing while "watching TV with the kids." I have heard how so many parents become "real" parents during a separation or after a divorce. Well, that hasn't happened so far in our situation.
Now, I just want him to go away. Nearly every time we have added a visit, the kids go ballistic. Their emotions go all over the map. Tonight is no exception. He texts this afternoon, "I will be at...."; I tell the kids he will be at tonight's function; one of them does nothing short of inciting WW3 amongst us all at the house. We go to leave the function and the other melts down. Of course, his babies cry when they leave him! Duh!
He should have thought about that before choosing his demon over us. He should have thought about that when I bought the Love Dare for us last Christmas; or he could have thought about it while he was IM'ing word games with his demon - "pine" "for you" - just a day or two before I left for good. Either he didn't take me seriously or he didn't really care if I left. He probably didn't have the balls to end the marriage himself and he still can't admit it. He needed all of this to be someone else's "fault." He is too weak to take responsibility for his own actions and choices.
I want all this to go away and for us to be fast-forwarded to where we will land. I am so sick and tired of being in limbo. I had actually come to accept limbo for a time, but today has been the setting for my being pulled away from that acceptance and back into the torturous stir within the black cauldron.
I am tired of...having to take classes to renew my teaching license; having a part-time job that, even with his garnished wages, isn't enough for us to live on our own. I am tired of having to answer the kids' questions, directly enough to satisfy them, but without giving them too much information. I am tired of saying to the kids, "You'll have to ask your dad." I am tired of the kids' being sad and confused and mad and...! I am tired of his lying to the kids and trying to make them believe that his demon is/was not his girlfriend - too cowardly to be honest? I am tired of his making promises he doesn't keep to both the kids and to me. I am tired, too, because of his family who are enabling him so deeply that they, like his demon, are perpetuating his nasty cycle. He is still spiraling down, but no one wants to see it.
Yeah, I know, she "is keeping him alive." Well, news flash, his soul is dead. He still doesn't care that he has hurt me and the kids - he has NEVER EVEN apologized, not once ("you weren't supposed to find out" doesn't count)! He has no idea the damage he has done to us all. He has no idea how deep the knife has cut. Or, maybe he does and that's why he remains in denial. If he ever comes out, it may be too much for him to handle. That is, if he actually has a soul and realizes the depth and breadth of his betrayal to all three of us, to ALL of those who have tried to help him; to ALL of those who have TRULY loved him.
I have never been so devastated by anyone in my life. I never loved anyone so much. I never waited for someone to "come to his senses" like I waited for him. I never put so much faith into a relationship that never meant anything to the other person to begin with. Of course, I didn't realize that until he continued lying to me from January 17 to May 29. I never trusted anyone other than blood so much, either. And look what it got me.
I have worked so hard to see the positive or at least the neutral in most of what has come from his horrible, terrible choices. I never thought I would give up on him, but I am so tired and worn out. I have no more to give - no patience, no desire to have anything to do with him. I have no more to hope - that he will ever "come to his senses," that he will ever be the father I had always thought him capable of being. I have no more...the gas tank is on empty for today.
Unfortunately, I still care about him (stupid me) and I will revert back to that caring, wanting-to-forgive person. However, the forgiving is going to take a lot more time now after all he has done. I was so open to it just a few months ago, but he refused it. No, he accepted it and then went right back to his terrible, lying ways.
It hurts most to watch the kids hurt. It not only makes me hurt, but it floods in all the anger and hate (that always lingers just beneath the surface) because I know why they hurt. I know who caused that hurt. And, I am nowhere near being able to forgive those people for choosing to hurt. And, yes, they knew they were causing pain and suffering.
Maybe tomorrow will be better. That is what I must believe.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
My Path
Yesterday I learned of a most timely job opportunity that is opening up for next school year. On the one hand, I am sooooo excited! The timing couldn't be better. However, I also do not want to count my chickens before they hatch. I have already begun and will continue to pray that the Lord lead me down the path I am meant to follow. While my gut is tingling with the potential of this opportunity, it is also a bit nervous that this will not be the path I am supposed to follow.
I have begun pursuing it even though it is not yet posted as an official opening. I am preparing my resume this weekend to send to the h.r. department this week. I want to get my name in the ring ASAP. I have so much to offer - experience, excitement, a renewed desire to share with others - and so much to get out of this opportunity - another base of stability for the kids and for our future. So many new experiences await us!
Despite the possibilities, I also know that the process will be slow. Even if I land this position, it will be a long time before I am able to rent or purchase. Not just because the one I trusted inherently for so long is doing his best to take me down financially with him, but mostly because I have no savings. It will take some time to save enough money to be able to have a down payment for anything. I will more than overcome the financial destruction being forced upon me.
May the good Lord be by my side during this next phase of the journey. I pray that His vision be somewhat similar to mine!:) Great minds think alike, right?
I have begun pursuing it even though it is not yet posted as an official opening. I am preparing my resume this weekend to send to the h.r. department this week. I want to get my name in the ring ASAP. I have so much to offer - experience, excitement, a renewed desire to share with others - and so much to get out of this opportunity - another base of stability for the kids and for our future. So many new experiences await us!
Despite the possibilities, I also know that the process will be slow. Even if I land this position, it will be a long time before I am able to rent or purchase. Not just because the one I trusted inherently for so long is doing his best to take me down financially with him, but mostly because I have no savings. It will take some time to save enough money to be able to have a down payment for anything. I will more than overcome the financial destruction being forced upon me.
May the good Lord be by my side during this next phase of the journey. I pray that His vision be somewhat similar to mine!:) Great minds think alike, right?
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