Holiday Traditions begin their transformation

Well, I survived our first "official" holiday apart.  I don't really count the summer holidays as they don't have much ritual and sentimentality to them.  Heck, he didn't get me anything for Mother's Day when we were "working on the marriage" so I didn't get him anything for Father's Day, either.

However, Thanksgiving is one that is full of ritual, habit and tradition.  This year, the kids decided they wanted to make a "card" like last year, and have everyone sign it.  We are going to put it in a Thanksgiving scrapbook and start collecting these cards each year.  It will be fun to see how our guest list changes and how everyone's handwriting changes, too!

Thursday was actually not bad at all since my sister and her husband hosted this year.  It was kind of nice not having to be in charge and telling everyone where to sit, where to put the potluck they brought, or any of the other obligations hosting puts upon you.  While I did have some thoughts of the past, they did not invade my day.  It was nice just to enjoy and help out where I could.  There was also a lot less stress this year, being with just my family.  It was a MUCH smaller group which made just moving around a lot simpler.  No one had to leave to go anywhere else.  We also had a LOT of food leftover this year!  So, we went to my sister's on Friday for dinner to help eat the feast, round 2.

All in all, Thanksgiving Divorce-style isn't so bad.  It's not what I had in mind when I married over 19 years ago, but then, life does change.  Now, on to the Christmas changes.  Because we are living with my parents, we do not have a place of our own to get out our beloved decorations.  However, they have a little 3' tree on which we are going to put some of the kids' most cherished ornaments.  They are also going to go through their ornament boxes soon to decide which ornaments they want to have at daddy's house and which stay with us.

This will be the hardest adjustment, I believe, but again, we will all survive the changes and even thrive in the new traditions we begin.  We did keep one tradition going - the kids helped put up the tree.  This one was MUCH easier, though!  It's only about 7' tall, prelit and a lot skinnier so there was less work involved.  They have also joined in the general decorating - they love the nutcracker collection!

I will post periodically and let you know about the changes the Advent/Christmas and New Year seasons bring!

May His light shine upon you all in this series of most thankful seasons!

GRATITUDE

G rateful for the many folks who have passed through my life, for from you I have
R eceived opportunities that have helped me to become the person I am today.
A lways searching for the good, the positive in life.
T hough difficult to do sometimes,
 I try my best to see the possibilities.
T ruth and honesty are of
U tmost importance.  Without them, there can be no true
D edication of the heart to those around us.
E ver grateful for all that life has to offer, given by Him.

I was on my way home from school the other day, trying to pull myself out of my emotional/mental funk.  Yep, I hear these funks can last for the next 5 years before they rarely rear their heads.  Anyway, a "random" message came across the radio, a reading of a quote by Melodie Beatty, someone who has written several books about letting go and letting God; about how to change our perspective of a situation to a more positive outlook.

I was introduced to her work at the outpatient program, family component, back in April/May.  It is amazing how possible it IS to see things in a more positive light if we only let go of what we cannot control or change.  Focus on myself and what I am able to do, not on anyone else and what they are or are not doing, right, wrong or indifferent.  Sometimes I wonder if I've gone too far in not responding at all to good, bad or indifferent, but I figure the same goes for others as it does for me...I cannot make anyone do or say anything, or feel a particular way by what I say to them. 

While I try to be civil with and show dignity towards most people, those who have hurt me are not getting anything beyond civility and minimum energy from me at this time.  I cannot afford to expend anymore energy trying to help anyone who doesn't want the help.  I cannot afford to waste energy showing and telling someone how to improve their life when they don't see it as I do.  I cannot afford to waste energy on anyone whose sole purpose in life (according to their actions) is to ruin the kids' or mine.  I cannot afford to be someone's cheerleader when they are only half-hearted in their efforts.  I will let them make their free will choices to destroy their own lives, but will not allow them to take me down with them.

I am GRATEFUL that I have the free will to choose to do better, to follow a better way of life for me and the kids, and with those with whom I choose to remain close.

Love is...

Remember those cute little cartoons titled "Love Is..."?  They were around a lot when I was younger.  Haven't seen them in a long time.  Some were whimsical, others were serious, but they always put a smile on your face.  They were cute.

I was told I was loved, but it didn't look anything like those little cartoons.  This is why I question whether he ever loved me at all.  This is why I believe that I was a means to an end of some sort.  I didn't pay attention back in the day...I believed all his lies and manipulations.  I believed he loved me then.  When you love someone, you do NOT do these things to her.

Love is...holding your "soulmate's" hand while ogling everyone else around you.
Love is...showing your "soulmate" that she is not good enough.
Love is...an exception...she is intellectually good enough..
Love is...coercing your "soulmate" into doing things to which she objects.
Love is...manipulating the truth as you want it to be seen, not how it actually is.
Love is...blaming your "soulmate" for your problems.
Love is...calling your "soulmate" a "soulmate" while chasing down another.
Love is...leaving physical evidence (IM's, bills, DUI's) that you love another.
Love is...using your "soulmate's" car to visit your concubine.
Love is...showing up drunk to your parents' anniversary party.
Love is...admitting that it's because you "feel bad" for having hurt your concubine.
Love is...crying on your concubine's birthday and admitting it to your "soulmate."
Love is...inviting your concubine to your home when your "soulmate" is there.
Love is...convincing your "soulmate" about the 3+ year "platonic" relationship.
Love is...telling your "soulmate" that you want to "fix the marriage."
Love is...telling the concubine that "she fell for it."
Love is...tearing out the heart of your "soulmate" again and again and again.
Love is...doing a dance on that heart once it's out on the floor.
Love is...moving in with your concubine when you want to 'fix the marriage."
Love is...justifying your actions - "I had to do it, you left me no choice."
Love is...going to counseling and telling your "soulmate" how awful she is.
Love is...blaming your "soulmate" for the affair in the first place.
Love is...never admitting to your "soulmate" the hurt you caused her.
Love is...admitting to your "soulmate" the hurt you caused your concubine.
Love is...moving back in with a family that you really didn't want.
Love is...blaming your family for your choices, again and again.
Love is...minimizing 2 OVI's.
Love is...putting your family in harm's way, whether intentional or not.
Love is...minimizing 3 accidents, two of which involved your children.
Love is...projecting your issues onto others - "you think I am horrible."
Love is...passive-aggressive.
Love is...not engaging in a dissolution, keeping the legal tie binding.
Love is...blaming the divorce on the "soulmate" you destroyed.
Love is...still passive-aggressive by not engaging in the divorce.
Love is...contesting everything in the divorce.
Love is...denial.

They'll be Comin' 'Round the Mountain...

What a joyous time we are embarking upon - the holidays.  November is a month of gratitude and then into the Advent and Christmas seasons we go!  All are such positive, loving, giving seasons.  I am so happy that we are entering into these seasons at this time in my life.  I have so much for which to be thankful yet  I cannot give enough gratitude to those who deserve it.

This year will be different, indeed.  Not only will the holiday schedule be different from in the past, but new traditions will be born from the ashes of that very past.  I can but pray that my children will embrace the changes over time and will see that the new is not bad.  It's just different.  Maybe one day, they too will be thankful for all the wonderfully caring and loving people who have surrounded us.

As those of you who know me well already know, I am a reader, a learner, an input-er, always searching for answers and new ways of doing things.  I try to think outside of the box when I am stuck.  My latest search is on new traditions for the holidays.  I want to focus on the meaning of the season, not the price tag.  For too long, the price has been the determining factor, whether it was too much, too little or not enough.  Instead, it is time to focus on the meaning of this season of gratitude which extends well into the new year!

These changes are coming fast and will be loud and triumphant...thus, "they'll be comin' 'round the mountain..."  While they may be subtle, quiet changes, they will be changes, nonetheless, and will herald yet another new chapter in our life.  As they say, actions speak louder than words.  May these actions in this season of gratitude shout volumes!

Time to re-Center and re-Focus

I was really saddened last night during my anon meeting.  I kept going back to when I was wishing and hoping that he was telling me the truth.  I kept thinking about the words, “the addiction is not who the person really is.”  However, the way Rob is acting, the addiction is him.  He doesn’t even try to distinguish between the two anymore.  He doesn’t even pretend to be doing the right things.  He is still so much in denial that it is, at minimum, incredibly frustrating.  I pray that (should he decide to continue to contest everything) the courts will see through his smoke and mirrors and understand that he is not in a stable place to be able to have shared parenting at this time.  The longer it takes him just to take the first steps, the farther away he pushes me and the less and less confidence I have that he will ever change.

I ran into a dear acquaintance whom I haven’t seen in a long time.  He stopped by just to see how I was doing.  I so appreciated that.  It was good to see him, but not so encouraging this time.  I am losing hope that Rob will ever change and be the father that he is capable of being.  I have already lost all hope that he will ever make amends to me.  He has never apologized for any of what he has put me through.  He still doesn’t even acknowledge that the divorce is in motion, that there is no hope to stop it. 

He continues to offer that he “doesn’t want the divorce to happen.”  However, he has done far too much damage (and continues to dish it out) that it makes considering other alternatives a joke.  I pray that God grant him the peace and acceptance to end this divorce process IN TODAY’S BEST INTEREST OF THE KIDS, not what we all see as a possible scenario in the future.  What is in the best interest of the kids today (full custody for me) will not necessarily be in the kids’ best interest 2 years from now (shared parenting would be a great thing if he is healthy!) and vice versa.

As has often been the case throughout all his emotional torture of me, I am still looking for the positive.  Yes, I believe that he is capable of becoming not only a decent, but a great, father with whom I would gladly co-petition the court to grant shared parenting.  Do I believe it will happen?  Not anymore, but I still leave that door ajar.  It is not even closed...just like I kept open the door of our marriage in hopes that he really was telling me the truth all these years.  I believed him when he said he wanted to fix the marriage; I believed him when he said she was no longer in his life; I believed him when he said he loved me and no one else; I believed him when he said there were no other women before this chapter.  What a crock!  Yet, I always looked for evidence that he was telling me the truth.

I recently watched a tv show where an investigator said to the client, “There are two types of people who ask for investigations – those who are looking for evidence of the person doing right and those looking for evidence of the person doing wrong.”  I am the one usually looking for evidence of the right thing.  While I believe this to be a character strength, it has also caused me much pain and suffering, especially the first half of 2010, as my beliefs and my life were thrust into a terrible cyclone of unraveling lies.

I guess it’s God’s will that the divorce not be final today.   I don’t know why, but again, my timeline is not the one He is using.  I must be patient and trust in His will.  I must continue to pray to follow His lead as only He can take me safely to the other side.  I must also accept that His will may not be what I want in the short- or longrun.  This is what will keep me centered and focused on what I must do each day, each hour, each minutes.

Amen.