It's been a rough week, but there is light at the end of the tunnel!

Home, work, ex.  It's been a rough week.  Unfortunately, the worst part is that my children are suffering at the hands of their father.

I was told by the kids again this morning that their father and his wife have repeatedly told my son that I hate him because he reminds me of his dad.  What kind of father does and allows that?  One who is unhappy himself.

The other intelligent thing they have done is to renege on an agreement we made a couple of weeks ago  I agreed he could pick the kids up early on a particular day he requested and I said sure, if I could have our daughter after her Christmas concert.  He agreed.  Now, because he's mad at me about a separate incident (or maybe he's mad that he has to spend an additional 3 hours with our son after the concert?), and he is telling my daughter that she will not go with me and my family for the girls' Christmas outing that was planned.  This is, of course, after he benefited from his end of the deal.  What kind of father does this?  One who is unhappy himself.

You'll notice that I have referred to the children as "mine," not as "ours."  Why would I be so bold?  It is because he is hurting the children with words like these.  A good father (yes, I said it, too!) would not hurt his children because he is mad at his ex, their mother.

I remember the day, when I was still at the house, when he said he didn't want parental rights.  He was terribly drunk and later claimed not to remember having said this.  If only I had had a recording device...

Fortunately for me, at least one of my three problems is resolved - work.  Home is on hold right now, at least for a couple of days.  My son is so hurt and confused, he has been acting out again.  The good news is that he had settled back down before leaving with his other family.

Time to hunker down and cuddle with the pups.  Looking forward to a good night's sleep.

Me.

Sober jackass or drinking again?

Back in 2010-11 when I was attending the family program for addicts, I became very frustrated about my ex's constant swing between active addict and dry drunk.  The counselor alluded to the fact that it was possible that my ex could end up a sober jackass - he very well could be a nasty SOB.  I didn't want to believe that he was truly that evil, but I am again wondering if that is possible.

Over the past 6 years, he has ridden the rollercoaster of addiction, often leaving clues that he might be (was?) drinking again.  He has left little nibblets over the past few months, but he has really started up again.  I can tell because he initiates communications that are completely unnecessary or even nasty.  What's the latest?

He had asked if he could pick up the kids early this afternoon since he is going out of town for work tomorrow.  I replied no because we had tickets to an afternoon play performance.  He commented on my inflexibility (like I really have ESP, can see into the future and planned to attend this particular performance because I knew he would want to adjust his visit time!) and has been throwing a temper tantrum.  How?

He communicated with me this week that tonight he expected me to return some of our son's electronics (which he has had confiscated until he pays restitution for taking a pipe wrench to our lawnmower and for other deliquency).  I did not comply so when he arrived this evening, he told our daughter to tell me I had to go out to his car.  Not her job to be the messenger so I stayed in the house.  He tooted the horn.  I still stayed inside.  He came up ON the front porch (he usually stays down on the sidewalk) and reached out as if he were going to open the screen door so I locked it.

I put the top window down so the screen was there and he went off like a rocket -
"Dr. [Seuss] said you go to the nines ...."  No, that was you who said that, not Dr. [Seuss].
"You have to return the items."  When our son has finished paying restitution, he can have them.
"You can't.... he's a kid and he can't pay back the [hundreds of dollars] that he owes."

What I wanted to say, but was afraid the children would hear since the car door was open was:
And you want him to end up like you?  Everyone enabling him and allowing him to get away with immense wrongdoing with no consequences?!  Oh, yes, that is it.

He really went off - yelling, huffing.  I told him good-bye and shut the upper window on him and he went stomping back to his car.  A few minutes later, I received a text that threatened that if I did not return the items, he would not allow our daughter to go with me after her chorus concert.  Stomp, stomp, 😠 tantrum, tantrum 😡 Some things never change 😝

Now for today's positives, just a few of the many wonderful blessings in life:

• The kids and I enjoyed my school's theatrical performance with a colleague, her mother and daughter, after meeting for lunch and then a quick spin through a local department store.
• We were able help a friend by loaning her family a dog crate to use until their puppy outgrows it (and she will!).
• The kiddos and I finally had a few minutes yesterday to just sit and veg for a bit.  Life has been hectic, but we took the very needed deep breath.
• Our son met with his new counselor and it looks like this may be a very good thing, indeed.
• This weekend's volunteering is Christmas related and will be lots of fun!

I just don't have time for this ...

It's amazing to me how far I've come in this "journey" yet how things never seem to change.  Here are just a few examples:

Just today, I texted the ex- to let him know that one of our children has an appointment near his new job on daddy visitation day.  I offered to drop off the children a after the appointment and then we could do the end of visit drop off nearby, too.  His reply?  Yes, he would IF I would be flexible in the time he gets to pick up the children this weekend because he is going out of town.  We have tickets to a local school's play at the time he wants to get the children, but I am inflexible.  This is reminiscent of the weekend we had tickets to a Reds baseball game and he wanted to adjust the time - I was inflexible because I wouldn't change.

Then, the request on Wednesday before Thanksgiving to get the kids "early" on Friday after Thanksgiving (his court-ordered time was 7:00 p.m.).  When I offered that he could work our son's shift at the Boy Scout tree sale from 1-5 and then pick up our daughter right afterwards, he replied that he would pick up our daughter at 4:45 and then come get our son.  But I "am the one who repeatedly docks his time with the kids."

Oh, and did I mention that it is MY responsibility to punish our children when they do something wrong at HIS house?  That is his belief.  When I texted him a couple of weeks ago to let him know that our son had taken something from his house, his reply was, "What are you going to do to punish him?"

And the children's school and grades?  It is MY responsibility to make sure all their work is being completed, even when they are with him.  When I refused to respond to his emails and texts telling me what a bad mother (and teacher of one of our children) I am, he texted, "I expect a response or I will be coming to the door to talk to you when I drop the kids off."  Yes, he did walk up to the front porch, but did not come to the door.  He left in an angry huff when I turned the tables back on him reminding him that HE also is a parent to our children and he is responsible for them when they are with him and, YES, he is expected to be a parent to them during those times - even homework!!

I would be perfectly happy if I never had to communicate with him again.  Unfortunately, I have another 5 years to go.  I just keep on doing all the positive work I started years ago.  I remind myself on a daily basis that I am doing a great job (especially under the circumstances) and that no matter what he says, I am a good mom.

Unfortunately, our children are affected by his and his family's insanity.  The children repeatedly report that he and his wife fight every time the children are there.  The adults also bad mouth me both within earshot of the kids and directly to them.  He finds it laughable that he has to "support" me financially (I stayed at home while he earned his Bachelor's and continued to build his career) while my salary is not even in the "living wage" category, based on a study by MIT.  He earns a 6 figure income after recently purchasing a $450k house that he had built and owning an Audi S4 while his wife owns some sort of cheap SUV crossover (that sounds familiar!).  What he has obviously forgotten is that it is addiction and his addictive behaviors that cause him to spend his money til he has none left.

I just don't have time for this!!  If only I did have the power to control things as he thinks I do...

What?!

As you can tell from the time stamps, it's been a little over three years since I last posted.  I had been advised by my attorney that I should stop blogging if, for no other reason, not to give the ex a reason to complain.  Well, let me tell you how well that worked - IT DIDN'T!  For the past three years, he and his wife (yes, he ended up marrying his concubine and they now have a set of twins about a year and a half old) have been sending nasty- and stupid-grams via both email and text, usually without provocation.  Here's today's edition from the ex's phone:

"An email or text with information about what happened the kids doctor's appointments would be appreciated.  Oh and by the way Happy 25th Anniversary!" (transcribed with original typos)

This was at 6:30 p.m., as I was trying to wrap up my long day of:

• children's annual well-checks this morning (had to be rescheduled for this week because their father refuses to take them to their appointments and activities when they are with him which will be all of next week, when the appointment was originally scheduled)
• lunch and school shopping (again, because he refuses to help with that, even when he has the children the week before school begins)
• group counseling appointment for our son (again, something which daddy dearest has never attended or transported our son to)
• helping our daughter finish preparing for the state fair on Friday - yes, she won her division and overall and was invited to represent the county at the state level.  Did daddy dear bother coming to this event or the one where our daughter won 3 2nd place ribbons a couple of weeks ago?  Of course, not.  It's too much driving for him.
• when I received the text, I was at the store picking up prescriptions that had been called in by the doc when we had been there earlier in the day

Bitter, table of one, please!  If you were half the father yours didn't have to be, life would be a hell of a lot better for everyone involved.  No one in your family dares accept the truth about you even though it's not their fault that you are the way you are.  No one in your family dares support and take up for your children - rather, they believe your and your concubine's lies about my role in YOUR negative choices.  YOUR choices not to attend our children's events.  YOUR choices to name call and send negative emails and texts.  YOUR choice to continue poisoning our children's lives with YOUR bitterness.

Your family probably doesn't even know you lost your job, AGAIN and requested that child support be reduced YET AGAIN.  They also probably don't know that you told our children that YOU had to budget because I WON AT COURT - oh, wait, we NEVER WENT TO COURT, dumbass!  YOU messed up and needed someone else to blame because you dare not accept what you see in the mirror.

They probably also believe that I am the reason the children were unable to go to Brookville earlier this week.  What they don't know is that YOU did NOT communicate with me - you never asked.  Rather, you sent half a message through our daughter who did not know times, location, etc., to even be able to broker the deal.  Heck, she thought you were going to Norris or East Fork, neither of which made sense the way she described the request.

I have spent many years trying to focus on moving my life forward and helping the children to move forward, too.  If you happen to know the pitiful narcissistic sociopath who continues to reach out his negativity to those who do not deserve it, please send up a prayer (or two or a million) asking for him to LEAVE ME ALONE!!  I did my part - I left.  I even have a separate email account to where I filter his and his concubine's emails so they do not pop up on my inbox screen.  It is checked once a week, just in case there is something of importance.

So, now that I have vented and have that off my chest, allow me to rejoice a moment in the good of the day:

• My children are healthy and despite being a long day, most of it was pleasant.
• My daughter is excited about her state fair event and has really focused on improving upon what she did earlier in the week.
• My son realizes that he got a little more than out of control this evening and is trying to make amends (to the extent that he understands that concept).
• We have a house to shelter us, clothes to keep us warm and food to keep us healthy.
• I have a job that I actually ENJOY.  Though the school year starts way too early, I am still looking forward to some of the new ideas I have planned for this year.
• My children feel safe with me and are able to talk to me about their hurts; cry to, at and with me; basically, use me as a whipping post.  It's very tiring and after an almost continuous summer of it, I am quite weary.  All the same, I am thankful they feel safe here.
• Tomorrow is a new day and we can start again.

Me

Lies, Lies, Lies

Here is an email I drafted, but did not send.  I composed it the day after a meeting with our son's counselor.  At that meeting, I brought up the topic of the court officer's recommendations to the magistrate about the children's father's visitation time.  Finally, an official court report acknowledged the horrifying degree to which he has an alcoholism problem!

At the meeting yesterday, the false facade continued.  The bold-faced lies continued.  But the counselor was kind and, in my opinion, falling for the manipulation.  He was giving a benefit of the doubt and telling me that he understood the way I felt, but that those behaviors were in the past.  NO THEY ARE NOT.  He is doing it right here in front of you!

Why do so many people believe the liar's words, but not the truth teller's?  The truth teller has to provide evidence in order to be believed.  The liar just has to pass words over his lips.  "The truth will set you free."  Maybe he is trapped in a hell I cannot even imagine.  However, the liar's words mean nothing to me.  He has been telling these same lies for nearly 7 years now, probably more if I go back and really analyze our nearly 20 years together.  It's the same cycle, over and over again.  And the cycle is making its rounds in a shorter amount of time now than 7 years ago.  The lies are building more frequently and more deeply.

So, here's the email that was not sent:

As I said yesterday with [our son's counselor], I wish we could have more open communication.  However, it will not happen as long as you don't respond to emails and you send threatening and harassing emails/texts.  It will not happen as long as you and your family continue to lie and tell half truths.  

Maybe you don't even realize it.  Maybe you don't remember.  Just like when we were together, you think you say/do things when you really haven't.  Your wife suffers from the same affliction.  

I prefer to believe that all this is happening because you are so sick and your brain is so damaged.  The only other option for me is that you are true evil and you do not care - and I don't want to believe that.  I can't believe it for the kids' sake.

Saying that you are an alcoholic and that you cannot drink are first steps, but it is not taking responsibility for your choices, remembered or not.  It is neither taking responsibility for nor changing the continued anti-cooperative behaviors that you continue to perpetuate towards me.

If only...part 2

I originally drafted "part 1" and "part 2" back in early December.  As always, the cycle continues so that much of what I wrote then is still so true today.  I have found a huge difference, though, and it is that today I am sick and tired of being held accountable for his shortcomings (court made me test him with the breathalyzer, for example; he is not paying his half of out of pocket medical bills for the kids; the kids' school has even indicated that I may have to pay the full bill and seek reimbursement from him); I am the one suffering the ramifications and consequences of his choices and actions.  Even sadder is that the kids, too, are feeling the impact of his choices, if "only" in an indirect way.  They just don't know the full reason behind the things they are experiencing and he doesn't care because in his eyes, it's "my" fault, not his.

The original draft is in black text.  It was written shortly before he was taken to the hospital after having passed out and needed to be revived by EMT's before being transported to the hospital.  But, there's nothing wrong with him.  He is fine.  It's his blood sugar (all according to him and some of those around him).

If only... it sends me down such a crazy path.  There are no useful "if only's" in this world.  Each of us makes choices and I can control only my own.  I cannot control his or yours.  I can only control how I react to each.

If I sat around thinking and feeling the thoughts and emotions exhibited in "part 1," I would drive myself bonkers!  It has taken me a long time to get where I am today and, thankfully, I am not in the throes of beating myself up emotionally.  However, a situation presented itself today and I did take time to reflect this evening on how I used to think and feel these very things; how I would be mad or sad or absolutely crushed for days on end.

I revel in the fact that, for a long time now, I have not punished myself for his choices.  There is nothing I can do or say that will ever change him or his choices.  I accept that.  It saddens me greatly that he is where he is and that most of his family are where they are.  It saddens me not just for them, but mostly for our children.  They love their daddy and they love his family.  They want to be a part of that, but he is just not safe for them to be around right now.

Yes, it would be easier if his family acknowledged and accepted his situation for what it is, but they don't.  And so I continue to be the lone soldier in making the difficult decisions to keep the children safe while praying that he and they eventually find their way.  I continue to be the "bad guy" in his eyes and he often tries to put that vision in the kids' eyes.  From all that I have heard, he has been successful in putting that vision in the eyes of most of his family members.

My job right now is to do everything I can to give our children the love and stability they so desperately need right now.   My concern is that as adults they will end up in front of a counselor, still trying to deal with the emotions that come with having an addicted parent...or worse, they will end up in a very bad place, just like their father is right now.  But, I do not dwell on that.  I live one day at a time and enjoy each moment with my children in the best way possible in that moment.

Thank you, Lord, for walking with me all this time.

Me

If only... part 1

...you accepted his sickness for what it really is.
      Then maybe you would not judge me, especially when I choose to protect the children.
...you acknowledged his lies. 
     Then maybe you would believe me.
...you acknowledged his hatred. 
     Then maybe you would see that he, not I, is the one who is living in anger.
...you acknowledged his wrongdoing. 
     Then maybe I could trust you again.
...you accepted the truth. 
     Then maybe we could all work together for what is best.

...I had not worried about the monetary cost.
      Then maybe I could have stood more firmly for what is right.
...I had stood more strongly for what is right. 
     Then maybe he would not be dragging me back to court again.
...I had not cared and believed that he would eventually do what is right.
     Then maybe I would not be up tonight drafting this post because I am furious at myself
     for having believed in him in the first place.
...I had prayed harder.
     Then maybe he would have followed the path of recovery.
...I had run away.
     Then maybe no one would ever find me.

...he would truly seek sobriety.
     Then maybe we could work together for the sake of the children.
...he would drop the stupidity and chaos.
     Then maybe we could focus on what really matters in life.
...he would stop the frivolous court proceedings.
     Then maybe we could all get on with our lives.
...he would stop the abuse on those around him.
     Then maybe some of the chaos would disappear.
...he would drink when the kids are not with him.
     Then maybe they won't have to see him die before their very eyes.

Me
.