If only... part 1

...you accepted his sickness for what it really is.
      Then maybe you would not judge me, especially when I choose to protect the children.
...you acknowledged his lies. 
     Then maybe you would believe me.
...you acknowledged his hatred. 
     Then maybe you would see that he, not I, is the one who is living in anger.
...you acknowledged his wrongdoing. 
     Then maybe I could trust you again.
...you accepted the truth. 
     Then maybe we could all work together for what is best.

...I had not worried about the monetary cost.
      Then maybe I could have stood more firmly for what is right.
...I had stood more strongly for what is right. 
     Then maybe he would not be dragging me back to court again.
...I had not cared and believed that he would eventually do what is right.
     Then maybe I would not be up tonight drafting this post because I am furious at myself
     for having believed in him in the first place.
...I had prayed harder.
     Then maybe he would have followed the path of recovery.
...I had run away.
     Then maybe no one would ever find me.

...he would truly seek sobriety.
     Then maybe we could work together for the sake of the children.
...he would drop the stupidity and chaos.
     Then maybe we could focus on what really matters in life.
...he would stop the frivolous court proceedings.
     Then maybe we could all get on with our lives.
...he would stop the abuse on those around him.
     Then maybe some of the chaos would disappear.
...he would drink when the kids are not with him.
     Then maybe they won't have to see him die before their very eyes.

Me
.