It's funny how each day brings new hope and new challenges, all in one. I wake up thankful for each day and the possibilities it brings. Then, some nights I go to bed serene and quiet, no worries bothering my heart or soul. Other nights, I go to bed in such turmoil that I hardly get a wink of sleep. The good news is, I thank the Lord every day for what he brings, as it is up to me to make the choices to "have a good day."
It's up to me
to choose to see the positive in each day.
It's up to me
to choose to embrace those positives, whether fleeting moments or long,
enjoyable hours.
It's up to me
to choose actions that are to my benefit, not my detriment.
It's up to me
to choose to accept that I cannot change others.
It's up to me
to realize that change may never happen for those others.
It's up to me
to honor my children and to do what is best for them.
It's up to me
to fight for what is right.
It's up to me
to honor my agreements, even when it may not have been the best, or even
right, agreement in the first place.
It's up to me
to thank God for the serenity, courage and wisdom He bestows upon me day
after day.
It's up to me
to be engaged in the kids' and my life.
It's up to me
to enjoy the moments I can and to restore myself to be able to face
the next moment, hour, or day.
It's up to me
to live the life I am meant to live by following His lead.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Sunday, October 17, 2010
The Ride
Wow!
Another day has start' to shone, its crisp fall air awaits me.
I look through glass to colors full of inspiration gladly.
But wait, I have a ton to do before enjoying outside.
The order of the chaos must be bound and prepped for its ride.
Yes, the coaster speeds its course up hills and into valleys.
The twists and turns are sudden, too...what's that?! Will we hit those trees?
A wreck is not inevit'ble for all who ride this coaster.
However, one who drives the train has become quite a boaster.
His threats, manipulation too, denial make me calmer.
The way that he has treated me, created quite an armor.
I've learned so much along the way, recovery...it's mine!
I take one step, one hour, one day...I know that soon I'll shine!
The me that lost its way so long is coming back to be.
I thank the Lord for all He's doin' to take care of us three.
Another day has start' to shone, its crisp fall air awaits me.
I look through glass to colors full of inspiration gladly.
But wait, I have a ton to do before enjoying outside.
The order of the chaos must be bound and prepped for its ride.
Yes, the coaster speeds its course up hills and into valleys.
The twists and turns are sudden, too...what's that?! Will we hit those trees?
A wreck is not inevit'ble for all who ride this coaster.
However, one who drives the train has become quite a boaster.
His threats, manipulation too, denial make me calmer.
The way that he has treated me, created quite an armor.
I've learned so much along the way, recovery...it's mine!
I take one step, one hour, one day...I know that soon I'll shine!
The me that lost its way so long is coming back to be.
I thank the Lord for all He's doin' to take care of us three.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Man in the Mirror
I want only the best for you but more importantly, our children. As the people I have loved and cared for (for so long), I have to say it without being "up your ass"...
SOMETHING HAS TO CHANGE.
I left again, as I had before but will change really happen? What makes this time different? I want to believe you love them. They have tried to tell you many times they don't like your drinking. You've even told them that nothing good comes from it, but the cycle of denial and excuses repeats itself and keeps getting worse.
Please don't think I'm ragging on you - just listen (not just to me but open your ears to them). Instead of justifying your actions or being defensive, set an example. Having a job and going to work don't define a person, especially a person with the many talents, insight and intelligence you have to offer the world. Your life stagnated because of alcohol-related events, denial and blame... the excuses continue to be a crutch.
I hate the way things have become and when anyone attempts to make you understand, you push them farther away emotionally and physically (i.e., yelling at your daughter when you threw her snowflake to the floor; calling their mother a "stupid bitch," amongst other incidents). You have given me the greatest gift ever by allowing me to love the children you helped bring into this world.
I hope in my absence life will change but only you hold the key to fix it - not your friends (whom you continue to avoid), your girlfriend (who continues to be your #1 enabler), your mom (who is #2 enabler), other relatives or even co-workers. The only person we have to live with for the rest of our lives is the one we see in the mirror. Your children need you to see that person again. He's the reason I'm writing this and I hope for all that really love you and know him, the true changes that need made will happen. This comes from my heart to one of the greatest guys I've ever known - the man you no longer see. The man you no longer are.
I speak for all the others who love you, too, in saying don't be mad because we care.
SOMETHING HAS TO CHANGE.
I left again, as I had before but will change really happen? What makes this time different? I want to believe you love them. They have tried to tell you many times they don't like your drinking. You've even told them that nothing good comes from it, but the cycle of denial and excuses repeats itself and keeps getting worse.
Please don't think I'm ragging on you - just listen (not just to me but open your ears to them). Instead of justifying your actions or being defensive, set an example. Having a job and going to work don't define a person, especially a person with the many talents, insight and intelligence you have to offer the world. Your life stagnated because of alcohol-related events, denial and blame... the excuses continue to be a crutch.
I hate the way things have become and when anyone attempts to make you understand, you push them farther away emotionally and physically (i.e., yelling at your daughter when you threw her snowflake to the floor; calling their mother a "stupid bitch," amongst other incidents). You have given me the greatest gift ever by allowing me to love the children you helped bring into this world.
I hope in my absence life will change but only you hold the key to fix it - not your friends (whom you continue to avoid), your girlfriend (who continues to be your #1 enabler), your mom (who is #2 enabler), other relatives or even co-workers. The only person we have to live with for the rest of our lives is the one we see in the mirror. Your children need you to see that person again. He's the reason I'm writing this and I hope for all that really love you and know him, the true changes that need made will happen. This comes from my heart to one of the greatest guys I've ever known - the man you no longer see. The man you no longer are.
I speak for all the others who love you, too, in saying don't be mad because we care.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Why?
Just when things seem to be going well, some roadblock jettisons up through the roadway. It doesn't just end up there, it rips through the ground and blocks my path. I can't go over it and I can't get around it. I must go through it, but this is so solid, I can't see any way to do so. I do know that, in this case, the massive blockage will eventually retract into the ground again, but I must wait...
When I first opened this blog, I had told myself to stay away from the legal discussion because I don't want to jeopardize the final outcome for the kids or myself. However, just how can he even fathom that I can live on $13k/year? How can his lawyer even consider suggesting that spousal support be eliminated?! I know...it's a ploy, a defense tactic. Yes, I have already talked myself back down into reality.
I know what should be done, in my opinion. I know what should be done, in the opinion of most rational thinking individuals. However...
I must continue to pray and ask that God's will be done in this entire mess. I didn't create it, I can't control it, I can't change it. I can cope and I can follow God's lead.
When I first opened this blog, I had told myself to stay away from the legal discussion because I don't want to jeopardize the final outcome for the kids or myself. However, just how can he even fathom that I can live on $13k/year? How can his lawyer even consider suggesting that spousal support be eliminated?! I know...it's a ploy, a defense tactic. Yes, I have already talked myself back down into reality.
I know what should be done, in my opinion. I know what should be done, in the opinion of most rational thinking individuals. However...
I must continue to pray and ask that God's will be done in this entire mess. I didn't create it, I can't control it, I can't change it. I can cope and I can follow God's lead.
The Devil & the Duck
There was a little boy visiting his grandparents on their farm. He was given a slingshot to play with out in the woods.
He practiced in the woods; but he could never hit the target. Getting a little discouraged, he headed back for dinner.
As he was walking back he saw Grandma's pet duck..
Just out of impulse, he let the slingshot fly, hit the duck square in the head and killed it. He was shocked and grieved!
In a panic, he hid the dead duck in the wood pile; only to see his sister watching! Sally had seen it all, but she said nothing.
After lunch the next day Grandma said, "Sally, let's wash the dishes," but Sally said, "Grandma, Johnny told me he wanted to help in the kitchen."
Then she whispered to him, "Remember the duck?" So Johnny did the dishes.
Later that day, Grandpa asked if the children wanted to go fishing and Grandma said, "I'm sorry but I need Sally to help make supper."
Sally just smiled and said, "Well that's all right because Johnny told me he wanted to help." She whispered again, "Remember the duck?" So Sally went fishing and Johnny stayed to help.
After several days of Johnny doing both his chores and Sally's, he finally couldn't stand it any longer. He came to Grandma and confessed that he had killed the duck.
Grandma knelt down, gave him a hug and said, "Sweetheart, I know... You see, I was standing at the window and I saw the whole thing, but because I love you, I forgave you. I was just wondering how long you would let Sally make a slave of you."
Thought for the day and every day thereafter:
Whatever is in your past, whatever you have done... And the devil keeps throwing it up in your face (lying, cheating, debt, fear, bad habits, hatred, anger, bitterness, etc.)....whatever it is...
You need to know that:
God was standing at the window and He saw the whole thing. He has seen your whole life... He wants you to know that He loves you and that you are forgiven. He's just wondering how long you will let the devil make a slave of you.
The great thing about God is that when you ask for forgiveness, He not only forgives you, but He forgets.
It is by God's grace and mercy that we are saved.
Always remember: God is at the window!
When Jesus died on the cross; he was thinking of you!
There was a little boy visiting his grandparents on their farm. He was given a slingshot to play with out in the woods.
He practiced in the woods; but he could never hit the target. Getting a little discouraged, he headed back for dinner.
As he was walking back he saw Grandma's pet duck..
Just out of impulse, he let the slingshot fly, hit the duck square in the head and killed it. He was shocked and grieved!
In a panic, he hid the dead duck in the wood pile; only to see his sister watching! Sally had seen it all, but she said nothing.
After lunch the next day Grandma said, "Sally, let's wash the dishes," but Sally said, "Grandma, Johnny told me he wanted to help in the kitchen."
Then she whispered to him, "Remember the duck?" So Johnny did the dishes.
Later that day, Grandpa asked if the children wanted to go fishing and Grandma said, "I'm sorry but I need Sally to help make supper."
Sally just smiled and said, "Well that's all right because Johnny told me he wanted to help." She whispered again, "Remember the duck?" So Sally went fishing and Johnny stayed to help.
After several days of Johnny doing both his chores and Sally's, he finally couldn't stand it any longer. He came to Grandma and confessed that he had killed the duck.
Grandma knelt down, gave him a hug and said, "Sweetheart, I know... You see, I was standing at the window and I saw the whole thing, but because I love you, I forgave you. I was just wondering how long you would let Sally make a slave of you."
Thought for the day and every day thereafter:
Whatever is in your past, whatever you have done... And the devil keeps throwing it up in your face (lying, cheating, debt, fear, bad habits, hatred, anger, bitterness, etc.)....whatever it is...
You need to know that:
God was standing at the window and He saw the whole thing. He has seen your whole life... He wants you to know that He loves you and that you are forgiven. He's just wondering how long you will let the devil make a slave of you.
The great thing about God is that when you ask for forgiveness, He not only forgives you, but He forgets.
It is by God's grace and mercy that we are saved.
Always remember: God is at the window!
When Jesus died on the cross; he was thinking of you!
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Today
Today is yet another day inspired by the rest.
I take a look around me to see just what is the test.
Today is gloomy outside, it's cold and icky too.
At work I felt quite anxious with all that's new to do.
Sometimes I wonder whether this is really where it's at.
Or, should I back out now before the chili all goes splat?
My mind, it races freely 'round from one thought to the next.
I wish that I could order it and put it into text.
The day is yet another gift from th'good Lord up above.
I thank Him each and every day for giving us His love.
It's thanks to Him that I have made it through to here, today.
It's thanks to Him the kids survive, in their own special way.
I thank you, Lord, for giving us today and every other.
I thank you, Lord, for leading us down paths that do not smother.
Rather, they invite us in to listen, to explore.
"Let go, let God," the forest speaks, to me it does implore.
I try, I try, sometimes succeed with relief all around.
But other times I let it slide, no calm is to be found.
This week, as most have recently, been calm and more stressfree.
I pray tonight that God imparts His peace, serenity.
I take a look around me to see just what is the test.
Today is gloomy outside, it's cold and icky too.
At work I felt quite anxious with all that's new to do.
Sometimes I wonder whether this is really where it's at.
Or, should I back out now before the chili all goes splat?
My mind, it races freely 'round from one thought to the next.
I wish that I could order it and put it into text.
The day is yet another gift from th'good Lord up above.
I thank Him each and every day for giving us His love.
It's thanks to Him that I have made it through to here, today.
It's thanks to Him the kids survive, in their own special way.
I thank you, Lord, for giving us today and every other.
I thank you, Lord, for leading us down paths that do not smother.
Rather, they invite us in to listen, to explore.
"Let go, let God," the forest speaks, to me it does implore.
I try, I try, sometimes succeed with relief all around.
But other times I let it slide, no calm is to be found.
This week, as most have recently, been calm and more stressfree.
I pray tonight that God imparts His peace, serenity.
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