If only...part 2

I originally drafted "part 1" and "part 2" back in early December.  As always, the cycle continues so that much of what I wrote then is still so true today.  I have found a huge difference, though, and it is that today I am sick and tired of being held accountable for his shortcomings (court made me test him with the breathalyzer, for example; he is not paying his half of out of pocket medical bills for the kids; the kids' school has even indicated that I may have to pay the full bill and seek reimbursement from him); I am the one suffering the ramifications and consequences of his choices and actions.  Even sadder is that the kids, too, are feeling the impact of his choices, if "only" in an indirect way.  They just don't know the full reason behind the things they are experiencing and he doesn't care because in his eyes, it's "my" fault, not his.

The original draft is in black text.  It was written shortly before he was taken to the hospital after having passed out and needed to be revived by EMT's before being transported to the hospital.  But, there's nothing wrong with him.  He is fine.  It's his blood sugar (all according to him and some of those around him).

If only... it sends me down such a crazy path.  There are no useful "if only's" in this world.  Each of us makes choices and I can control only my own.  I cannot control his or yours.  I can only control how I react to each.

If I sat around thinking and feeling the thoughts and emotions exhibited in "part 1," I would drive myself bonkers!  It has taken me a long time to get where I am today and, thankfully, I am not in the throes of beating myself up emotionally.  However, a situation presented itself today and I did take time to reflect this evening on how I used to think and feel these very things; how I would be mad or sad or absolutely crushed for days on end.

I revel in the fact that, for a long time now, I have not punished myself for his choices.  There is nothing I can do or say that will ever change him or his choices.  I accept that.  It saddens me greatly that he is where he is and that most of his family are where they are.  It saddens me not just for them, but mostly for our children.  They love their daddy and they love his family.  They want to be a part of that, but he is just not safe for them to be around right now.

Yes, it would be easier if his family acknowledged and accepted his situation for what it is, but they don't.  And so I continue to be the lone soldier in making the difficult decisions to keep the children safe while praying that he and they eventually find their way.  I continue to be the "bad guy" in his eyes and he often tries to put that vision in the kids' eyes.  From all that I have heard, he has been successful in putting that vision in the eyes of most of his family members.

My job right now is to do everything I can to give our children the love and stability they so desperately need right now.   My concern is that as adults they will end up in front of a counselor, still trying to deal with the emotions that come with having an addicted parent...or worse, they will end up in a very bad place, just like their father is right now.  But, I do not dwell on that.  I live one day at a time and enjoy each moment with my children in the best way possible in that moment.

Thank you, Lord, for walking with me all this time.

Me

If only... part 1

...you accepted his sickness for what it really is.
      Then maybe you would not judge me, especially when I choose to protect the children.
...you acknowledged his lies. 
     Then maybe you would believe me.
...you acknowledged his hatred. 
     Then maybe you would see that he, not I, is the one who is living in anger.
...you acknowledged his wrongdoing. 
     Then maybe I could trust you again.
...you accepted the truth. 
     Then maybe we could all work together for what is best.

...I had not worried about the monetary cost.
      Then maybe I could have stood more firmly for what is right.
...I had stood more strongly for what is right. 
     Then maybe he would not be dragging me back to court again.
...I had not cared and believed that he would eventually do what is right.
     Then maybe I would not be up tonight drafting this post because I am furious at myself
     for having believed in him in the first place.
...I had prayed harder.
     Then maybe he would have followed the path of recovery.
...I had run away.
     Then maybe no one would ever find me.

...he would truly seek sobriety.
     Then maybe we could work together for the sake of the children.
...he would drop the stupidity and chaos.
     Then maybe we could focus on what really matters in life.
...he would stop the frivolous court proceedings.
     Then maybe we could all get on with our lives.
...he would stop the abuse on those around him.
     Then maybe some of the chaos would disappear.
...he would drink when the kids are not with him.
     Then maybe they won't have to see him die before their very eyes.

Me
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