On Sunday, March 14, his "open book" (to "prove" he was telling me the truth) backfired when I found more IM's between him and his concubine. Because he refused to leave the house, I left with our daughter and went to my parents' home. Our son wanted to stay with daddy. Not wanting to upset him anymore than necessary, I allowed him to stay.
Later in the afternoon, I received a call from a police station nearly 2 jurisdictions over, "You need to come get your son (what?! how did he get there?! he doesn't drive; he can't ride his bike that far; he's only 6!...), we have arrested your husband." The tornadic spin really went haywire. I will not post all the details here...suffice it to say that it started with our son's being 2 seconds from being put in the system because Rob wouldn't (couldn't?) give them a number to contact me. It is but by the grace of God that the officers found my parents' number. Once he was arraigned the following morning, he was on house arrest and was not welcome in our house. From that day on, he stayed with his parents, and at one point, with his concubine, all while claiming that he wanted to "fix the marriage."
The kids and I stayed at the house and we were able to keep things relatively "normal." They were at the same school, had their same friends and activities, same schedules and routines. It was as normal as life could be with their daddy on house arrest and unable to drive and see them whenever he or they wanted.
After a business trip to Atlanta just before Easter, he announced to his parents and to me that he wanted to fix the marriage. I do not know what he said to his parents, but on the Thursday before Easter, he said to me, "I will dump her on Sunday and move home on Monday." Pause. Did I really hear him correctly? Yes, I did, so..."No, you will dump her now or it's no deal. Dissolution on the table, divorce if you don't cooperate." Are you kidding me?! You need a few days to let her go when your wife is "so" important to you? Obviously I was not. So, with her he stayed until the beginning of May when I called him, angry, bitter, hurt to the core. I had not really let him hear MY feelings until this day.
I went off - how could you do this?! All you had to do was dump her and we could have worked on whatever the problem was. On and on and on. His reply was, "Come get me. I will pack up and leave now." Like hell I am going to drive to her place! If you want me bad enough, you will get it done. You will find a way just like you found the hundreds of ways to be with her without my finding out. You will do everything in your power to prove to me that I am your one and only, your true soulmate.
Within the next couple of days, there was a lot of "sneaking" - he had her drop him off at work one day when he asked me to take him to his parents', allegedly with the intent of not returning to her place. "She will destroy everything I own if she knows I am leaving." What a bunch of bull, as I suspected then, and I now know for sure. She is just as cowardly as he, if not more so.
Anyway, he returned and stayed with his parents from the beginning until the end of May, still coniving, lying, pretending to want to fix the marriage. He even attended two couples counseling sessions with me and we had a very "productive" 3rd one in his office parking lot one day. It really seemed a very open, honest, constructive conversation. What bullshit! What manipulation.
All of this turmoil culminated in his choosing to move home, despite my argument that neither he (his alcoholism and drinking triggers) nor we (our relationship) were ready for him to move home. It was not the right time. However, both he and his mother insisted (she was tired of his living with them) and on Friday, May 28, he came to the house after work. Within 3 hours, he was so wasted that he couldn't even walk straight - he had returned to his cave after a wonderful, "Ozzie and Harriet" dinner where we all pitched in, including the kids.
The kids saw him for the first time in all his drunken glory - in the past, he had kept it secret by drinking after the kids and I went to bed. But, this time he couldn't. His sponsor called and asked him to deliver a phone number to their Friday night meeting. He didn't dare tell his sponsor he had been drinking. Instead, he decided to get me to drive him there as he probably thought he could cover his intoxication. I knew something was up the moment he got in the car. His condition only worsened as we crossed the highway. I stopped a few times, asking him to tell me the truth about drinking. He refused. At the last stop we made, where I was ready to turn around and go home, our son announced that he had pooped in his pants, obviously stressed by the conversations in the front seat.
At that point, I decided to drive to our final destination to take the kids to the bathroom. While we were there cleaning up, he was kicked out of the meeting for inappropriate behavior and was stumbling and slurring as the kids had never seen or heard before. What a horrible experience for the kids. After too many details to write, we went home. Our then 8-year-old daughter wanted so badly to help him into the house, but I insisted that he had to do it himself.
The next morning, we again had what seemed like a forward-moving conversation. He implied that he had blacked out and didn't remember a thing. He indicated that he was very remorseful for what he had done at the meeting and that he needed to apologize. He never once mentioned that he needed to apologize to his own family for any wrong-doing. The kids and I left for their counseling appointment. When we returned, I asked for his "open book" and saw that just an hour before, while the kids were with their counselor, he had IM'd his concubine that she needed to "delete this as soon as you read it" and that his life was f'in horrible without her. Her reply was something like, don't know how to answer.
Game over. I calmly returned his blackberry to him and prepared the kids to leave. That was the end. I was no longer taking this abuse. All he needed to do was dump her. And he couldn't even do that. Maybe he had really dumped her as a sex partner and, thus, her response. But, he was the one who initiated that IM and the one who had been involved in a word game at least the 2 days before that. All the evidence showed that he had no intention of putting me and his family first. No contact is no contact, period.
What turmoil and insanity to have in your life. The details are even worse than the surface information. The hurt, the tearing of the heart and soul. It was a very dark time and place for me. How could someone who claims to love you so much do these kinds of things to you? However, while leaving that day, I felt a great weight lift off my shoulders. Yes, I could physically feel myself become lighter, as I had a couple other times during the past 2-3 months.
That, too, is why I have posted the things I have - to work through the grief. And, it has helped to lift even more weight off my shoulders. By reaching out to my support system, blogging, attending my meetings and working the program, I have come so far in such a short time. In a way, I had detached from him already, telling him that he was the only one who could change the parts of him he didn't like. He was the only one who could stop the drinking. He was the only one who could conquer the demons he claimed he had.
The really sad thing is that he couldn't and still doesn't admit to any wrong-doing. In fact, when I was leaving that day, May 29, he said, "You're making a big mistake." My reply was, "Yes, YOU made a big mistake."
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Monday, March 7, 2011
Thanks Again
It's amazing how God steps in when you really need it. It's amazing how He can even be obvious about it, on occasion. Case in point - last night. I had spoken with a social-worker friend about some divorce-related stuff and the information she gave me was not what I had hoped to hear. I was mulling it over as I lay in bed last night, trying to fall asleep. At almost 9:30 (well past my bedtime), my cell phone buzzed. I couldn't imagine who would be calling me at that hour. It was my sponsor. She needs 2 boxes of Girl Scout cookies!
By that point, I was all stuffy and snot-nosed and I asked if she had a moment. I explained to her the information I had received and she couldn't believe it, either. We talked through different aspects of the situation and were still dumb-struck about how the pieces may fall, but we had talked about ways to make it through.
The good news, though, is that God sent me someone in my moment of need. The other good news is that I was open to his message and asked to talk to her instead of keeping it to myself. I thank Him for putting dear people like her in my life. I thank Him for helping me get through this turmoil that I didn't and don't cause. I thank Him for giving me the courage and strength to continue to do what is in the best interest of the children when few others do. Doing what is best for them is not always the easiest thing to do, but I am doing my best, even when I do not agree with it.
Thanks, Lord, for surrounding me with caring individuals who truly have the best interest of the children and me at heart. Thank you for surrounding me with people who are not just "yes men" in my life, but, rather, thinking individuals who force me to look at all the angles.
Thank you!
By that point, I was all stuffy and snot-nosed and I asked if she had a moment. I explained to her the information I had received and she couldn't believe it, either. We talked through different aspects of the situation and were still dumb-struck about how the pieces may fall, but we had talked about ways to make it through.
The good news, though, is that God sent me someone in my moment of need. The other good news is that I was open to his message and asked to talk to her instead of keeping it to myself. I thank Him for putting dear people like her in my life. I thank Him for helping me get through this turmoil that I didn't and don't cause. I thank Him for giving me the courage and strength to continue to do what is in the best interest of the children when few others do. Doing what is best for them is not always the easiest thing to do, but I am doing my best, even when I do not agree with it.
Thanks, Lord, for surrounding me with caring individuals who truly have the best interest of the children and me at heart. Thank you for surrounding me with people who are not just "yes men" in my life, but, rather, thinking individuals who force me to look at all the angles.
Thank you!
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
More Dreams to work thorugh it all - Asshole or Coward?
It's funny how dreams clarify things for you. Recently, I've been dreaming about the reasons why choosing divorce was a good move for me. The one answer that keeps coming up is that he was either too cowardly to tell me the truth or he was just an ass and wanted to make my life hell. Let me explain:
Coward:
He may or may not have really loved me before, and had found that his relationship with her was what he really wanted. Don't know why, but it was. Or, maybe he was too cowardly to admit that he had screwed her over, I don't know. Either way, he was too much of a coward to take responsibility for what he had done and make up for it. He was, and still is, too weak to truly admit he was/is wrong, make up for it, and to stand up for what is right.
Asshole:
January 17, 2010, I found IM's between him and his then concubine. They had never ended the affair that I had found back in late 2007. In fact, they had been together much longer than he had let on originally ("I was protecting you."...coward, unwilling to tell the truth). When I started clearing out the closet and indicated to him that I would leave if he continued the relationship, his answer was, "Do you really want to put us in bankruptcy? Do you not realize how this will kill us financially?" Really?! You think finances are more important to me? If you really loved me and wanted me, you would have fought to keep me, but you didn't. What an ass!
March 14, 2010, I left after finding continued evidence that not only were they still together, but he was telling her things like, "She bought it. She thinks I want to fix the marriage." Our son wanted to stay with daddy so I let him. Our daughter went with me. That afternoon, I received a call from a police department 2 towns away, "We have your son (6 years old at the time), please come get him....[pause] we've arrested your husband." Obviously, he was driving impaired. Where was he driving, you ask? To her place. Problem was, he was too impaired to get there. Was he begging me to take him back? No. Was he saying how sorry he was for what he did? No. In fact, after the arrest, he called her to get him a lawyer and called me to call his boss. The saddest moment of that phone call - he didn't even ask how our son was doing. What an ass!
May 29, 2010, the kids and I left for the final time. We had been living in the house because his arrest had resulted in his being on house arrest for much of the time so he stayed other places, including his concubine's place. He had "come home" against my wishes the night before and within 3 hours was shitfaced (after nearly 80 days dry). The kids and I had been at their counselor's appointment the morning of the 29th and when we returned, I asked to see his "open" blackberry. He begrudgingly handed it over and I found more evidence that he was lying - an IM while we were at the kids' counselor!!! His life f'ing sucked without her in it. His reply when I said, "Game over"? "You are making a big mistake." What an ass!
All three times (and other smaller moments along the way), he didn't once show remorse or regret for what he did to me. He still hasn't. However, he showed sadness to me for her and "what he did to her." What an ass!
For years, he lived a lie instead of manning up and doing what was right...taking responsibility and letting us go. I told him several times along the way just to let me go. I would rather be told that I am not what he wants. But, for some unknown reason - cowardice, assholeaness, I don't know - he didn't and still doesn't. He even blamed me for an argument that took place the other day at our son's First Communion retreat - he brought girlfriend in with him and I called them both on it and told her to leave. But, of course, it was my fault there was an argument because I opened my mouth. It couldn't possibly have been his fault for bringing her in the first place - duh! The divorce isn't final and you're NOT married to her! This is what you want to teach our children is the right way to live?! And just a reminder, she is not the agreed-upon supervisor, social worker or not.
What really makes me sad is that I not only believed him, I believed IN him. I really thought there was a good person somewhere inside. I believed that the good person had some serious demons to overcome and I knew that I couldn't do it for him. I had backed off to let him face those demons and look what it got me.
He used to accuse me of thinking he was a bad person and all those years, it wasn't true. I believed he could and would overcome whatever was ailing him. Now, however, I no longer look for that. He has shown me that only someone who is truly evil, hateful, super-self-centered, cowardly and assholean can do the things that he has and continues to do. He still doesn't tell the truth, even the smallest truth. According to him, every wrong choice he makes is someone else's fault ("You left me no choice. I had to move in with her." "You are keeping me from seeing my kids" as he leaves for a vacation).
What else is sad is that I no longer want to be with the man whom, for nearly 20 years, I believed to be my soulmate. I used to believe that he would come out of all this and realize the wrong he had done and be remorseful and become the man that I believed he was, the man I thought he was meant to be. I believed that he would bust his ass not only to fix our marriage and our love, but to make it better than it ever had. I believed we would be that couple who conquered this tragedy in life...but no more. I used to tell him - "Let's get divorced and heal. Then, in 5, 10, 15 years, we can try again." After all that he has put me through, I don't wait for that anymore. I used to want a whole family - mom, dad, kids. As much as I used to want it, I am no longer waiting for it, either.
I even used to think he was capable of being an awesome father, regardless of what he had done to me. I busted my ass to make sure the kids saw him while he was out of the house from March to May. Even when he spent his 5 days in jail, I made sure he was able to call them. Of course, that was bad, according to him, because he didn't want the kids to know he was in jail. I would call him to see if he wanted visitors each time we were up on his side of town. Stupid me.
I used to believe that he would be honest with them and put them first, but again, he has not. Of course, he doesn't see it that way. I don't think anyone who is in his inner circle sees it that way. They support him in his new endeavors, regardless of the damage they bring to the kids. And most of the adults do not see it. Rather, they support it, at minimum, by ignoring the consequences to the kids. It is really sad that the kids must endure this kind of treatment. They may not know all the details now, but one day they will figure it out. It was bad enough for me to find out the truth about my soulmate. I can only imagine the depth of the hurt in finding out the truth about your own father and the others who supported his damaging choices.
Conclusion: cowardly asshole. Assholean coward on a good day, maybe.
Coward:
He may or may not have really loved me before, and had found that his relationship with her was what he really wanted. Don't know why, but it was. Or, maybe he was too cowardly to admit that he had screwed her over, I don't know. Either way, he was too much of a coward to take responsibility for what he had done and make up for it. He was, and still is, too weak to truly admit he was/is wrong, make up for it, and to stand up for what is right.
Asshole:
January 17, 2010, I found IM's between him and his then concubine. They had never ended the affair that I had found back in late 2007. In fact, they had been together much longer than he had let on originally ("I was protecting you."...coward, unwilling to tell the truth). When I started clearing out the closet and indicated to him that I would leave if he continued the relationship, his answer was, "Do you really want to put us in bankruptcy? Do you not realize how this will kill us financially?" Really?! You think finances are more important to me? If you really loved me and wanted me, you would have fought to keep me, but you didn't. What an ass!
March 14, 2010, I left after finding continued evidence that not only were they still together, but he was telling her things like, "She bought it. She thinks I want to fix the marriage." Our son wanted to stay with daddy so I let him. Our daughter went with me. That afternoon, I received a call from a police department 2 towns away, "We have your son (6 years old at the time), please come get him....[pause] we've arrested your husband." Obviously, he was driving impaired. Where was he driving, you ask? To her place. Problem was, he was too impaired to get there. Was he begging me to take him back? No. Was he saying how sorry he was for what he did? No. In fact, after the arrest, he called her to get him a lawyer and called me to call his boss. The saddest moment of that phone call - he didn't even ask how our son was doing. What an ass!
May 29, 2010, the kids and I left for the final time. We had been living in the house because his arrest had resulted in his being on house arrest for much of the time so he stayed other places, including his concubine's place. He had "come home" against my wishes the night before and within 3 hours was shitfaced (after nearly 80 days dry). The kids and I had been at their counselor's appointment the morning of the 29th and when we returned, I asked to see his "open" blackberry. He begrudgingly handed it over and I found more evidence that he was lying - an IM while we were at the kids' counselor!!! His life f'ing sucked without her in it. His reply when I said, "Game over"? "You are making a big mistake." What an ass!
All three times (and other smaller moments along the way), he didn't once show remorse or regret for what he did to me. He still hasn't. However, he showed sadness to me for her and "what he did to her." What an ass!
For years, he lived a lie instead of manning up and doing what was right...taking responsibility and letting us go. I told him several times along the way just to let me go. I would rather be told that I am not what he wants. But, for some unknown reason - cowardice, assholeaness, I don't know - he didn't and still doesn't. He even blamed me for an argument that took place the other day at our son's First Communion retreat - he brought girlfriend in with him and I called them both on it and told her to leave. But, of course, it was my fault there was an argument because I opened my mouth. It couldn't possibly have been his fault for bringing her in the first place - duh! The divorce isn't final and you're NOT married to her! This is what you want to teach our children is the right way to live?! And just a reminder, she is not the agreed-upon supervisor, social worker or not.
What really makes me sad is that I not only believed him, I believed IN him. I really thought there was a good person somewhere inside. I believed that the good person had some serious demons to overcome and I knew that I couldn't do it for him. I had backed off to let him face those demons and look what it got me.
He used to accuse me of thinking he was a bad person and all those years, it wasn't true. I believed he could and would overcome whatever was ailing him. Now, however, I no longer look for that. He has shown me that only someone who is truly evil, hateful, super-self-centered, cowardly and assholean can do the things that he has and continues to do. He still doesn't tell the truth, even the smallest truth. According to him, every wrong choice he makes is someone else's fault ("You left me no choice. I had to move in with her." "You are keeping me from seeing my kids" as he leaves for a vacation).
What else is sad is that I no longer want to be with the man whom, for nearly 20 years, I believed to be my soulmate. I used to believe that he would come out of all this and realize the wrong he had done and be remorseful and become the man that I believed he was, the man I thought he was meant to be. I believed that he would bust his ass not only to fix our marriage and our love, but to make it better than it ever had. I believed we would be that couple who conquered this tragedy in life...but no more. I used to tell him - "Let's get divorced and heal. Then, in 5, 10, 15 years, we can try again." After all that he has put me through, I don't wait for that anymore. I used to want a whole family - mom, dad, kids. As much as I used to want it, I am no longer waiting for it, either.
I even used to think he was capable of being an awesome father, regardless of what he had done to me. I busted my ass to make sure the kids saw him while he was out of the house from March to May. Even when he spent his 5 days in jail, I made sure he was able to call them. Of course, that was bad, according to him, because he didn't want the kids to know he was in jail. I would call him to see if he wanted visitors each time we were up on his side of town. Stupid me.
I used to believe that he would be honest with them and put them first, but again, he has not. Of course, he doesn't see it that way. I don't think anyone who is in his inner circle sees it that way. They support him in his new endeavors, regardless of the damage they bring to the kids. And most of the adults do not see it. Rather, they support it, at minimum, by ignoring the consequences to the kids. It is really sad that the kids must endure this kind of treatment. They may not know all the details now, but one day they will figure it out. It was bad enough for me to find out the truth about my soulmate. I can only imagine the depth of the hurt in finding out the truth about your own father and the others who supported his damaging choices.
Conclusion: cowardly asshole. Assholean coward on a good day, maybe.
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